August 28, 2010

• Celebrity Round Up 8/27

  I didn’t get this posted because last night was so draining.  I went to a cousin’s funeral/wake.  Maybe because I am not human, I don’t get the whole deal with funerals.  You’re there to mourn and commiserate with the survivors and not talk about how many acres of corn you have, how it’s hard to dry hay this year, or how many coons you treed.  It’s also sad that some of these family members we only see at funerals.  I don’t understand why families allow tragedies to bring them together but then as a nation it seemed like we waited for 9/11 to bring us together.  Oh well, I’ll catch flack for that.  Round-up…some images may not be safe for work and some are definitely not safe for life.  If you laugh, you lose.
  
  Sookie Stackhouse married Vampire Bill in real life last weekend.  Actually it was Anna Paquinn marrying Stephen Moyer…I’m just a fan of True Blood, don’t mind me.  The wedding was kept a secret and was a very private affair.  All I have gathered from my insider is that Lafayette was the flower girl and he threw onion blossoms from Merlotte’s at those attending.  Good thing it wasn’t garlic.
  
  Well Tila Tequila is milking her injuries suffered at the hands of Juggalos for all they’re worth.  Maybe she’s just stealing Nelly’s old band-aid under the eye look.  Hmmm Nelly does need to have his career resurrected and become relevant once again.  Hey, Tila, this is the 21st century.  We have this stuff called Neosporin.  Look into getting some.   It’s been about 2 weeks.
  
  Not to ruin the surprise but The Situation from Jersey Shore will be on the next season of Dancing with the Stars.  He’s also supposedly going to earn $5million from Jersey Shore, his endorsements, DWTS, and other appearances.  The Situation is also in the process of trademarking his name.  And all of these are reasons why I need to leave the U.S.  Just a note to the producers of Dancing with the Stars, sticking one shitty character from one show and sticking him on another doesn’t work.  Do you remember Joey?  And a note to whoever is The Situation’s dance partner, when he hands you a drink DON’T DRINK IT!
  
  Taylor Lautner is suing an RV dealership for not delivering an RV on time to the set of his new movie.  He had to suffer in the trailer that the movie studio provided for him.  Part of the lawsuit includes emotional distress.  We shall all weep for you Taylor…you big baby.  Oh and you’re welcome Jenn.
  
  This is a photo of Sean Penn on the set of his new movie This Must be the Place.  He plays a retired rock star who is tracking down a Nazi war criminal.  I think Sean is trying to look like Robert Smith of The Cure but to me he looks like the crazy cat lady on The Simpsons. 
  
  Miley Cyrus broke up with Liam Hemsworth.  I guess that deep love they shared wasn’t deep enough.  That sounds so dirty.  Maybe Miley hasn’t differentiated being in love in a movie from being in love in real life.  Now, I wonder since he moved into her house if she had to kick him out.  Maybe Billy Ray will go full force mullet and show up with a shotgun to kick him out.
  
  Macauly Culkin turned 30 this week.  He still looks like a teenager.  This is also proof that God hates me.  How the hell is Macauly with Mila Kunis? 
  
  Lisa Rinna sure looks like she’s having fun.  WRONG!  Her face is frozen because of all the plastic surgery she has had.  You should see her at funerals…awkward.
  
  Lindsay Lohan is free from the UCLA medical center where she was rehabbing.  I suggest watching the news this weekend.  If there is a story about a 20 inch penis that ejaculates Red Bull and Vodka, assume that Lindsay has more wish for the genie.
  
  This is the most recent photo of Lindsay.  It’s amazing what 3 meals a day and lights out at 10PM can do for a girl.  Not to mention a tight white shirt and short black skirt.
  
  This week’s sign that the Apocalypse is upon us: Lady Gaga is collaborating with KISS.  Now I am off to delete all my KISS files.  I don’t know what Gaga and Paul Stanley are doing in this photo but whatever it was, it left the door with a low t-cell count.
  
  This week Bill O’Reilly made an interesting comment about Justin Bieber and Kim Kardashian.  He said it wasn’t normal for a 16 year old boy to be photographed in a sexually suggestive photos with a 42 year old woman.  Kim is actually 29 but who cares.  He ended by saying, “If a 16-year-old girl was pictured with a 29-year-old man in any of that, he’d be in big trouble.”  I can’t believe I’m going to say this but he’s correct.  But then I have to tell Bill he shouldn’t get his panties in a bunch and he needs to go loofah something because our grandfathers kicked the Nazis asses so older women could frolic on the beach with young boys and then after they were done kicking Nazis asses they went to France and had their way with those lovely French women because the French men were too busy cowering in corners…USA USA USA USA USA USA USA!
  
  Oh, Kim…your attempts to cover that ass and your pedophile ways are futile.  Wait…I know she would never do anything with Justin.  He’s not the type of guy she is into.  Well, we have nothing to worry about.  Next.
  
  This is one of Katy Perry’s old school glamor shots.  Why did no one tell me that she was one of the models in Don’t Tell Mom the Babysitter’s Dead?  People, you let me down.
  
  Kate Gosslein looks like she stepped off the Rock of Love Bus.  Kate, your tour ends here.  Please put the world out of it’s misery and DIE!  Maybe she’s dressed like that because she’s auditioning for The Real Attention Whores of Reality TV.  She could also be auditioning for The Real Roadside Hookers of Wisconsin Dells.  If a lady strikes up a conversation at a gas station…run.
  
  People think that Jessica Simpson may be pregnant because she is getting bigger.  I think she’s bulking up to get in the NFL so she can win the Super Bowl.  She’s going to get a ring on her finger one way or another.
  
  The paparazzi caught Jennifer Love Hewitt picking up a package this week.  And now for the Male Chauvinist Pig comment of the week: I’ve got a package I’d love to give her.
  
  Spencer Pratt is trying to sell his sex videos with Heidi Montag to Vivid Entertainment for $5million.  He claims that the material he has filmed will blow Jenna Jameson’s website out of the water.  He also says it is so wild that it will make Kim Kardasian’s sex tape look tame. 
  
  Supposedly part of the Heidi Montag sex tape is filmed with Karissa Shannon and Karissa admits that she filmed herself having sex with Heidi and that Spencer was not present…THANK GOD!  Karissa claims that Spencer doesn’t own the tape and that Spencer stole it when he and Heidi were separating while Karissa was there comforting Heidi.  Spencer stealing hat tape and camera is pretty much like how a homeless person steals money that is handed to them.  Karissa also says that she wishes she filmed the tape with Lindsay Lohan because no one would want to buy it.  Are you kidding?  That would be a hot seller.  Two things: let’s not feel sorry for Karissa since she probably helped Spencer with the filming and let’s leave sex tapes to the professionals or the actual amateurs.  So…anyone want to help me make a movie?
  
  While all the sex tape hoopla is going on in the states, Heidi flew down to Costa Rica to have her breast implants reduced.  She is going to have them reduced from a size G to a normal sized DD because DD is average.  They must have used brain tissue to make those implants because I’m beginning to think the G in G-cup stands for “Goddamn you are stupid”.
  
  Hayden Panettiere was denied entrance into a night club this week because she isn’t 21.  She turns 21 this weekend but she wanted to party last weekend.  She got pissed and complained that she had went to the night club before.  At least she didn’t play the “Do you know who I am” card.  That would have backfired since her biggest work is dead.  If she wanted to get in all she had to do was ask the bouncer, “Do you want to feel the back of my throat?”
  
  Gary Busey came across a traffic accident this week.  He called 911 and directed traffic until police responded.  He also helped comfort the people who were injured in the accident.  Some people are claiming Gary is a good Samaritan.  I think he just felt guilty because the accident was caused by his teeth.  One of the driver’s were blinded by the glare from those gigantic teeth.  Maybe Gary’s trying to shed his image of being a crazy drunk.  Not likely.  He will always be the craziest guy in Hollywood…sober or drunk.
  
  Fantasia admitted that the other week she was taken to the hospital because she did try to kill herself.  There’s also a rumor floating around that she did it because she is pregnant and can’t reveal it because her guy is involved in divorce hearings.  The reason she says she didn’t die is that she was texting her manager and he told her not to do anything drastic but she texted back and said she took a bunch of pills.  And right after she got done talking about trying to kill herself, Fantasia mentioned that her new album is coming out.  That is a hell of a way to promote it.  Maybe suicide attempts are the new sex tapes.
  
  This is David Yost.  He was the blue ranger on Power Rangers.  This week he came out as gay.  He claims he suffered harassment on the set of Power Rangers because of his sexuality.  There is an interview with him on youtube which you can find on your own if you are a Power Rangers fan.  And to borrow a line from a post I read on Xanga this week, does this change your view of the Power Rangers.
  
  Dave Chappelle turned 37 this week.  He’s rich, bitch.  He’ll never have to work again.  I knew he was the most popular comedian in the world and also I knew his career was likely in it’s downfall when I was sitting in a restaurant and a drunk guy came in and was spouting off all Chappelle’s catch-phrases.  The best was when he called the waitress over to the table.  “Hey, Donna…hey, Donna, come here.”  “What do you need, sir?”  “I’m Rick James, bitch.”  And then Donna walked away.  I miss New Ulm.
  
  Hey, Brian Williams and I have something in common.  In an interview he said that he only wears pleated pants because flat front pants don’t give him enough room.  I have problems like that.  In fact last night I had on a pair of new pants and I popped a few stitches.  I won’t go into detail but I just thought you may like to know that about Brian so that you will never look at him in the same way.
  
  Betty White won an Emmy for her hosting Saturday Night Live and that was it.  That’s a damn shame.  She should have won every Emmy.  Betty wasn’t at the ceremony because she needed a nap.  She’s napping quite a bit lately because people worshipping her in public is tiring. 
  
  So some of you are probably asking yourself, “Why is the Godfather bringing out a photo of Vivien Leigh?”  Well a biography is coming out that reveals some of the shady aspects of Scarlett O’Hara.  The gist of the book is that Vivien was a bi-polar bisexual nymphomaniac.  So how many of us are the reincarnated Vivien?  The book also claims that she was into rough sex and may have loved the erotic asphyxiation.  She also liked to get down and party with her co-stars.  The book also makes a claim that she would go cruising with directors of her movies and they would pick up sex partners for the night and she made them sign waivers of sorts that they wouldn’t blab to the world that they “serviced” her.  She was also kicked out of many hotels because of her “partying”.  I’m surprised they aren’t claiming she needed a bukkake to get to sleep.  You know this really doesn’t shock me.  I mean we’ve heard how Elvis and James Dean shared Nick Adams, Lucille Ball sucked her way to the top, Cary Grant had a sexual relationship with his stepson, and Bettie Davis probably killed one of her husbands.  Nothing really shocks me from that time.  How awesome would it be just to go pick some one up and not worry about getting busted by the cops?  Oh and if you need a prostitute, don’t ask for sex.  Ask to take nude photos.  That’s not illegal and undercover cops won’t waste their time….knowing is half the battle.
  
  What could be wrong with Amy Winehouse in this photo?  I know.  Paging Dr. Bobby Brown to pop a doody bubble (that will never go away).  Amy looks like she is passing gas or is posing for Playboy’s new Constipated Beauties of London magazine.  I know!  She’s trying to start a new internet meme…LOLWino…I can haz BM?
  
  Adrianne Curry dressed as Princess Leia again but this time with a friend and they frolicked on a bed and then she posted the photo on Twitter.  It’s good to see she is recovering well from her attempted molestation.  You know, she’s been dressing as slave Leia for a month and posting the photos on Twitter.  I’m not complaining.  Hell, I wish I could be a slug-like alien with a bounty on a smuggler who dumped illegal cargo on my land.  God…I am such a nerd….a lonely nerd…anyone want to help?
  
  Britney Spears is in Hawaii on vacation.  She is looking pretty good and let the rumors begin that Britney is coming back.  I’ve been hearing that for years.  Where is she coming back from?  The Keebler Elves’ tree?  That would be fitting since lately all she serves is cookies.  Once again, Britney is looking good…man, it’s like now when you have sex with her, you wouldn’t want to go out and get a restraining order the next day.  Also, it must be really cold in Hawaii.
  
  I know I already gave away one cast member but these are the other rumored contestants on Dancing with the Has-Beens Stars.  The top row (l to r) The Situation, Brandy, David Hasselhoff.  Middle row (l to r) Florence Henderson, Troy Aikman, Bristol Palin.  Bottom row (l to r) Jennifer Grey, Audrina Partridge, Michael Bolton.  Damn…that is a…cast.  I would love to see if they use Michael Bolton for more than dancing.  You know at some point on that show he’s going to sing.  Bristol Palin…ugh…I hope her dancing is better than her acting.  So this cast includes America’s most famous teen mom, the largest supplier of crotch crabs on the East Coast, and David Hasselhoff.  They really are scraping the bottom of the barrel.  Tune in to ABC on August 30th to see if my insider was correct.

  I hope everyone is having a great weekend.

  • 2:07 PM
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