February 1, 2012

• Laughgasm

  I'm trying a new title.  I figure that will be offensive enough to drive people away.

  Have you ever wondered if the parents who walk their children on leashes make them piss in shit in the neighbors’ yard?

  On Monday, NBC pulled an episode of Fear Factor that saw contestants drink a glass of donkey semen. Apparently Joe Rogan is taking out all his relationship frustrations on Fear Factor contestants.

  I just met the most interesting girl and I thought the best thing I could do was impress her with my humor. I went up to her and said, “I was going to tell you a dick about my dick but it’s too long.”  She replied, “I was going to tell you a joke about my pussy but you won’t get it.”  At least my bottle of KY Jelly doesn’t talk back.

  All the musicians of the world met for a secret meeting this past weekend to agree to a pact that they won’t make any more music so that Glee will run out of music to bastardize.

  My parents never had “The Talk” with me which is why I send my nude photos to strangers on the internet.

  A recent study found that 83% of 14 year old children in the United States were conceived while “Crash Into Me” by Dave Matthews Band was playing.

  Maury should totally do more out of control teens shows.  Instead of having teens that drink, do drugs, and have sex, he should have teens who are addicted to the computer.  “I’m a Level 90 Paladin and I don’t care, it’s my character and I do what I want.”

  A recent study found that 7 out of 5 Americans suck at math.

  I think you and I need to kiss to break the tension.  Put your lips on your monitor and I can guarantee my lips will be on the other side. Go on do it.  HAHAHAHA…you don’t want to know what you just kissed.

  A recent study conducted by the world’s top scientists found that the funnier a guy is, the larger penis he has.  So I think there should be a law we believe scientists but then I’m not funny so do what you want.

  I got a notification from a church member about how wes hould be on the look out for kids who use the Satanic terms LOL (Lord of Lies), OMG (Onward!  Murder God), LMAO (Lord Mephistopheles Adores Occultism) and BRB (Beezelebub Requires Blood)

  If I had leprosy, I would have sex with a hooker one last time and at the end I’d tell her to keep the tip.

  I listened to the Nicki Minaj song “Stupid Hoe” and I don’t know if I’m a stupid hoe for wasting three minutes of my life or if Nicki Minaj is a stupid hoe for producing that. 

  I like making scantron tests and having the same letter answer over and over again just to mess with the students.

  My mom asked if I wanted her to knit me anything.  How do I tell her I want a jock strap?

  Today I heard someone say, “There’s a dead mouse in the Snapple machine.”  I didn’t know if they were saying that there was a mouse in the Snapple machine or if they were talking about another pop punk MTV forced down your throats band.

  How do I become attractive to at least one member of the opposite sex?  I bet it would involve acid to the eyes.

  I remind myself of Fat Albert except I’m not black, funny,and don’t have mad game.

  The origin of dubstep: “You got your razorblades on my chalkboard.”  “No, you got your chalkboard on my razorblades.”

  I sometimes think that the only reason why I’m still alive is that murder is illegal.

  I think the best compliment I’ve ever received was, “I was pure until I met you.”

  Did you know Dick Van Dyke is the actor’s stage name?  Apparently his birth name, Penis Car Lesbian,wasn’t acceptable by TV’s censors.

  "I have heard a lot about a cinnamon challenge going around the internet.  That’s nothing.  People should try my cocaine challenge." -Charlie Sheen

  And now for your weekly dose of motivation:
  

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  

  Here’s how bad NBC’s TV show “Whitney” is; CBS’s worst show,“2 Broke Girls” was created by Cummings and they wouldn’t even give her her own show.

  When girls go wild, they show off their boobs.  When women go wild, they kill their husbands and drown their children.  I think we need to pass legislation to make it impossible or women to go wild.

  I have an idea for a reality TV show.  Take all the people on earth that love reality TV and put them on a deserted island and then bomb the shit out of it.

  I like to pick up girls in the grocery store, specifically the produce department.  Here’s a little tip I’ve learned over the years, pick up the girls who buy baby carrots and pass over the girls who buy cucumbers.

  I gave up working out in 2012 because the only muscle that matters to girls is one I can’t make bigger.

  People often talk about having an on and off relationship.  Presently I’d rather have a in and out relationship.

  I’m not planning on watching the Super Bowl because I hate the Patriots.  Not because they are a bunch of cheating asswipes but because I feel guilty when I don’t cheer for them because of their team name.  Like if I don’t cheer for them then I’ll be labeled a communist. 

  Once your spirit is crushed, you’ll find it’s much easier to snort.

  Anyone out there who says sex with condoms doesn’t feel any different, try wiping up diarrhea out of your child’s crib at 3AM.  THERE’S A HUGE DIFFERENCE!

  Why do so many Real Americans™ who are simply American because they fell out of a vagina and landed on American soil so uptight about people who risk everything because they want to become an American?

  When people say I have a beer belly I feel so negative about my body.  I prefer to call it a dick awning.

  I have heard that girls are disgusted by the male sex toy,The Fleshlight.  Why?  Have you seen some of the women guys have sex with?  I’d think a vagina in a flashlight tube is better to the alternative.

  Xanga is much like porn. It’s much better when people stop talking.

  Some of you are way too attractive to be arguing on Xanga.  Leave that shit for the Elephant Men of the world…me.

  I use Xanga to show people I don’t need to be married or have children to be unhappy.

  I think everyone on Xanga would get along better if we all shared a common enemy.  FUCK THE AMISH!  Yeah, that feels so much better,doesn’t it, Xanga?
  

  I used to be pro-life but then I got a Xanga account and started following people.
  

  The amount of single, hot people on Xanga makes me think that I am not single because I am ugly.
  

  Every day I wake up, I’m happy to be alive.  Then I come on Xanga and realize how horrible I am because I’m a white, straight, male.
  

  Why is Xanga the only website where people talk about how long they’ve been using it?  I’ve never heard someone say, “Well I’ve been using Myspace since 2003” or “I’ve been on Facebook since 2006.”  I can’t even remember when I started Xanga. 
  

  The first person to recommend this post will have one of their posts recommended by me.  Hopefully the post involves nude photos.

  • 4:35 PM
  • 69 Comments