February 11, 2012

• Celebrity Round Up 2/10/12

  Hey, it's palindrome day.  Now it's time for a round up. 

  NSFW and NSFL
  

  
  Vanessa Hudgens was on the Jimmy Fallon Show this week.  I take back every bad thing I've ever said about her.  Wow, I think I have to replace my keyboard because of my drooling.
  
  Here's Tila Tequila.  I really don't know what to say here.  She was originally the girl next door but now she's the poster child for Hollywood plastic surgery in a staged photoshoot.  I'm surprised she's not bent over.  Does she even eat?
  
  Snooki and JWoww are filming a spin-off to Jersey Shore and they have been put under strong regulations from Jersey City officials.  In order to film in Jersey City, the production company and MTV had to agree to these guidelines: 1. The show must allow at least four Jersey City PD officers to be stationed at Jwoww and Snooki's home at all times. 2. The cops will stay with the cast and crew when they leave the home. Cops have agreed to keep an appropriate distance from the operation, so they don't get in the way of production. 3. If MORE cops are called in to handle an incident due to events related to the show, producers MUST reimburse Jersey City for all related costs.  Police are taking this very seriously and will take action if any laws are broken including the cast.  I think the only protection here involves a flux capacitor, condoms, and their parents.  I don't get why they're filming a spin-off.  The only way a spin-off would be entertaining is if they filmed it in Camden, New Jersey, the most dangerous city in America.
  
  This is Sheyla Hershey.  Recently she tried to kill herself because she was forced to take out her 38M implants out because they were crushing her lungs and slowly suffocating her.  Man, what a tragetitty.  Well those same massive mounds of flesh that once tried to put her in the grave actually kept her out of the grave.  Sheyla was partying at a Super Bowl party and got behind the wheel after having one too many.  She wasn't buckled up and she hit a tree and was ejected out of the windshield and into a tree but she was saved by her smaller 38KKK breast implants.  She had built-in airbags.  She was arrested and will have to face DUI charges later this month. 
  
  Scarlett Johansson has taken it upon herself to do campaigning for President Obama and she thinks the best way to raise money and support for the president is through fashion.  She sponsored an event called Runway to Win which was a collaborative effort with many fashion designers to show support for President Obama and raise money for his re-election campaign.  When asked how selling t-shirts and tote bags can get the president re-elected, Scarlett said this: "I think the most important thing is that the fashion world has an international spotlight shown on it.  To be able to use that spotlight on a cause like this is incredible.  The idea of conscious consumerism was appealing, and that any way to reintroduce that kind of cool factor [to Obama's reelection campaign] is very valuable."  I'm not going to get into debates her but in an age of rampant unemployment and underemployment, endorsements from people who design and wear $300,000 gowns may not make a candidate relatable to the common man.  The biggest help Scarlett could give Obama would be to wear a v-cut t-shirt or even better, nothing at all and keep quiet. 
  
  A while back I wrote about how former porn star Sasha Grey caused an uproar when she participated in a public school's reading program.  Even though she retired from porn last April, some of her last work on the screen is set to be released in a movie called Anal Artists.  The production company, Assence Films, is championing Sasha after the National Education Association distanced themselves from Sasha fast than a Jenna Jameson blowjob.  Assence Films wanted to donate a portion of the profits from Anal Artists to the reading program but the NEA said no thank you because they claim Sasha Grey is no longer affiliated with their organization.  Well they think high of themselves.  So what if her backdoor has been explored more than King Tut's tomb?  She wants kids to read more.  Whether kids are reading poetry, non-fiction, fiction, Valtrex prescription bottles, reading is fundamental.  The NEA's position is not without merit.  Just imagine if a little girl asks mommy who Sasha Grey is.  "Well when a woman is in love with four men, she will show her love to those men all at the same time." 
  
  Wow, Roseanne is going to be busy.  Not only is she running for president but she's also set to return to TV and will be reunited with John Goodman.  The premise of the show will be perfect for them because they will be starring in the NBC blue collar comedy "Downwardly Mobile".  Roseanne will be the manager of a mobile home park who is basically a mother to everyone in the trailer park and Goodman will be one of her friends.  I'm sort of upset they probably won't be married but I'm actually sort of looking forward to this show and also seeing if Roseanne makes it on my ballot come November.  They better keep the lottery and dream shit out of this show because that ruined the show "Roseanne".  Hopefully this could give some sort of closure to that series. 
  
  Rihanna continues to make self-destructive decisions.  This week she was supposed to rehearse a song for the Grammy's but she held up rehearsal for 5 hours while she hung out with Chris Brown in her dressing room.  Just so we're clear, Rihanna held up run-throughs for an awards show that, based on talent alone, she shouldn't be allowed to even clean the floors at. For five hours. To hang out with the guy who beat her senseless. 
  
  Randy Travis was arrested for being drunk in public after a police officer caught Travis drinking wine inside his car which was parked in front of a Baptist Church in Sanger, Texas.  Do you hear the banjo twang because that is most definitely a country song.  Do you think he was sitting in front of church because he wanted to be closer to God while he sang about his love for wine...I'm gonna love you forever, forever and ever AMEN!
  
  Nick Nolte turned 71 this week.  Aww geez aww gosh...yeah I need to do my Nick Nolte impersonation on camera.  He does the same thing in every single movie. 
  
  Miley Cyrus is bringing back her lot lizard look.  Maybe she's just fallen on hard times since she really hasn't released any music or movies in a long time.  I think the lot lizard's going rates are $20 for a beej and $30 for a lay and $50 if you want to do Sasha Grey's expertise.   
  
  Michael C. Hall and Jennifer Carpenter may have finalized their divorce in December but they have been spotted with each other quite a bit recently.  I'm really thrown off by that beard.  I wonder if it will come into play in the next season of Dexter.  Maybe they are together because of the relationship between Dexter and Deborah.  Oh man my head is spinning.  He actually knows how to wear facial hair unlike some celebrities.
  
  And Michael Cera is one of those celebrities.  Is he trying to go for the registered sex offender look?  Maybe he's trying to get a role in a remake of Welcome Back, Kotter.  I bet it took him 15 years to grow that killer 'stache.
  
  Here's someone else that facial hair isn't working for, Macaulay Culkin.  What the hell is wrong with him?  Has he decided to stop eating since Mila Kunis broke up with him?  Maybe he's trying to get in character for a remake or sequel to The Machinist.  What the hell is wrong with him?
  
  Yeah, the Super Bowl halftime show was painful to watch but then there was this.  Oh and during a talk fast solo, rapper M.I.A. flipped the bird.  Madonna was not pleased.  She was on Ryan Seacrest's radio show and said this: "I was really surprised. I didn’t know anything about it. I wasn’t happy about it. I understand it’s punk rock and everything, but to me there was such a feeling of love and good energy, and positivity it seemed negative. It’s such a teenager…irrelevant thing to do…there was such a feeling of love and unity there what was the point? It was just out of place."  Translation: "I was pissed off that one of my minions would dare do something out of line, something that I regularly do in my concerts.  LOVE ME NOW!"  Madonna is now sitting in a swivel chair, stroking a cat, and plotting her revenge against M.I.A.  Well people got offended and NBC had to issue an apology.  It's weird how people are offended by a finger but last week NBC was this close to airing an episode of Fear Factor that would've seen contestants drinking donkey semen.  NBC and the NFL released this statement: "There was a failure in NBC's delay system. The obscene gesture in the performance was completely inappropriate, very disappointing, and we apologize to our fans."  Notice it said "to our fans" when it should've said, "If you were offended by a finger then you have problems and are probably the reason why America has gone to shit."
  
  I think the best thing to come out of the Super Bowl this year was Giselle Bundchen's criticizing of New England Patriot running backs and wide receivers for dropping her husband's, quarterback Tom Brady, passes.  She said this after the game: "My husband can not f****ing throw the ball and catch the ball at the same time. I can't believe they dropped the ball so many times."  I'd feel bad for Brady but the pity sex he received that night makes that a little difficult.  I bet he didn't have to force it into tight coverage that night.  Now is it really the wide receivers' and running backs' fault?  I think it's actually Giselle's fault.  Before Tom Brady started hooking up with Giselle in 2006 he won Super Bowls in 2002, 2004, and 2005.  Since he started dating her, he's lost Super Bowls in 2008 and 2012.  Not even Yoko Ono was a big a wet blanket as Giselle.  Who am I kidding?  I admire it when a woman stands by her man.  That is what I want.  Well...to a point.  Later this week an anonymous wife of another member of the Patriots football team told a newspaper that all the wives and girlfriends hate Giselle.  She said: "Gisele is . . . so stuck up and treats them all like yahoos. . . . In many cases, the other wives are not all that sophisticated, but Gisele has been openly snotty to several of them — making cracks about how they dress and use too much makeup. Stuff like that."  OK they're just bitter because Giselle is a supermodel.  You didn't really think that the world's highest earning model was a humble person with a heart of gold, did you? When you're supermodels like Gisele and myself, you will find out that it's your job to rain on everyone's parade. Think about it like this: Giselle is taking heat because she's saying what you're thinking about your butterfingered husbands. So, instead of nipping at her heals and submitting comments anonymously, you should be thanking Gisele for the sacrifice she's making for you.
  
  
  Lindsay Lohan took photos for Terry Richardson this week.  Doesn't she look like the poster child for sobriety?  She's trying to play Elizabeth Taylor ever since her attempt at being Marilyn Monroe failed.  I think the best move would be to try to act like herself.  Well I guess this is Lindsay's best show at being herself.  She has no job and she's living rent free so I guess the best thing to do is let a guy take photos of your perfect boobs.  I know I've said a lot of mean things about Lindsay over the years but I can still admire her breasts.  You'd be OK with that, right?  I mean I think I've earned that right given how much work I put into these and how I sometimes get little feedback.  Who knows, maybe these are photos promoting a new movie.  The only movie I could think of that would get Linday's career back on track would be called Truck Stop Whores volume 9.
  
  Because California has no-fault divorce and Katy Perry didn't think of making Russell Brand sign a pre-nup, he's entitled to half her money.  The weird thing is, he doesn't want it.  He's entitled to 20 million dollars.  Man, $20mil, how can a guy turn that down?  There is no way I could turn that money down.  A representative from Katy's side said that Russell is a real mensch and the divorce was amicable.  Russell probably didn't want to leave with hard feelings so that is admirable.  Katy Perry made her money shooting whipped cream out of her chest and singing about binge drinking and kissing girls and how someone is hot then cold then yes then no then in then out then up then down because, baby, they're a firework.  As a writer whose books aren't half bad, Russell Brand probably thought taking her money was the equivalent of a black guy wearing a KKK hood.
  
  Man, Jessica Simpson's boobs are getting huge.  They're what you'd call comic book character sized.  I'm thinking if I were to draw a comic with a female character and I drew her boobs bigger than Jessica's I'd be labeled a pervert. 
  
  FOX announced this week that the series House will end at the end of this season.  They gave no reason why they are pulling the plug but it's FOX.  They have a stellar track record when it comes to canceling shows.  I don't think the ratings for the show are on life support.  I'm not really familiar with the show but know about it for trivia reasons.  I'm not sure if he was ever diagnosed for his illness but I have a feeling that will be part of how the show will end.  He'll be diagnosed with something like gas or AIDs and the series will end but more than likely it will be lupus.  The series will end this April.
  
  Garth Brooks turned 50 this week.  Remember when this guy was the biggest country star in the world?  Remember when he was probably one of the biggest musical stars in the world?  He went and ruined it all with that Chris Gaines shit and his failed stint with the San Diego Padres.  I may have to go put in some goat roping music now.
  
  Well it looks like Debbie Harry is still going strong after all these years although she looks like she's wearing a wig that she purchased from the Dollar Tree mop section.  So if Jesus looks like her, does that mean she's immortalized in stained glass windows and church statues?
  
  David Beckham was kicked out of one of his children's soccer games.  He said that he was watching the game and one of the kids had a penalty called against them and then was kicked out of the game.  Beckham got upset and yelled, "Come on, he's seven, referee, you can't send him off."  The ref came over and said he could and then told Beckham to leave.  I hate to break it to you, Becks, but that's the beautiful people we Americans are.  We are vindictive.  You marry a hot chick, we kick you out of a youth soccer game.  That's why I no longer go pantless in public.  All my friends' girlfriends and wives leave them to be with me.  I know it's a cross to bear but we have to do what needs to be done.  I suppose with all that money Beckham has raked in he can learn to be a vindictive American by buying the soccer league and then firing the ref.
  
  This is Beyonce just weeks after giving birth to Blue Ivy™.  Damn, she looks good.  AS for the ™ behind Blue Ivy's™ name.  Beyonce and Jay-Z are seeking to trademark her name because they are worried that car makers are going to use those words to name car colors.  It must be nice to be popular.  A source close to the parents say the more reasonable explanation is that they are looking into releasing a line of baby clothing with the name attached and also BABY COSMETICS.  Yes, now you can put make-up on your babies.  What the fuck is this world coming to when we are so vain that we have to put make-up on our children?  Also the girl (I won't use her name any longer because I fear her parents will come after me for royalties) is said to already be living in the lap of luxury.   A source says that the child has 6 nannies.  Remember the good old days when mothers raised their children?  The baby has her diaper changed every hour by one of the 6 nannies.  Also Jay-Z has bought the baby diamond earrings and a platinum bracelet.  They match her pink sapphire encrusted baby bottle.  6 nannies, platinum bracelets, allegedly delivered in a room with bulletproof glass, is this a child or an X-men?  Is this some sort of bio-engineered human weapon for the government to fight the war on terror? No? Oh then she's just a fucking baby? I see.
  
  I think this is the feel good story of the week.  Bono stands to make over $1billion in the IPO of Facebook.  Back in 2009, Bono's investment group bought 1% of Facebook for $90million.  When Facebook eventually goes public, many investors are saying that the company will be estimated in value at $100billion making Bono $1billion.  Now he can afford to buy a razor and take showers.  Oh, thank the Lord above that this Facebook thing worked out for Bono. Isn't it great when a one-percenter can add an enormous pile of money to the gigantic pile of money he already has, especially during this depression?  I bet his next stage show will cost $80million instead of the regular $40million shows he does with U2.  Maybe he'll invest some of that $1billion into that shitty Spiderman musical.  How am I doing?  Well I had a windfall.  I've been posting my services on Craigslist.  The price of cunnilingus has not been affected by the Dow Jones.  Go me!
  
  Did I ever say I love Charlize Theron?  After seeing this photo of her preparing for a Super Bowl party I really love her.  Vodka and nice beer, that's all it takes to win my heart, ladies.  Well it also wouldn't hurt to be an Oscar winner.  One thing that would have me proposing marriage is if she had a case of Spotted Cow.  I guess nobody's perfect.  Also that is how you prepare for a Super Bowl.  Sorry, Budweiser drinkers, that's real beer.  If you come to my house and ask for a Bud or Bud Light, I'll draw you a glass of water.
  
  Courtney Stodden took time out of her busy schedule of being a child bride who is addicted to plastic surgery to do a photo shoot/commercial for FreeCreditScore.com.  So she's supposed to be a mermaid.  I think she's going to be Ariel's sister, Achlamydia.
  
  Charlie Day turned 36.  If you don't know who Charlie Day is then you aren't watching It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.  I love that show.  This is a still from a musical his character Charlie created called Dayman.  That may have been the best 30 minutes in TV history, definitely one of my favorite episodes.  Now to leave you with my two favorite Charlie quotes: "I'm gonna rise up, I'm gonna to kick a little ass, I'm gonna to kick some ass in the U.S.A., gonna climb a mountain, gonna sew a flag, gonna fly on an eagle. I'm gonna kick some butt, I'm gonna drive a big truck, I'm gonna rule this world, I'm gonna kick some ass, I'm gonna rise up, I'm gonna kick a little ass. ROCK, FLAG, and EAGLE!"  and  "Oh, get a job? Just get a job? Why don’t I strap on my job helmet and squeeze down into a job cannon and fire off into job land, where jobs grow on little jobbies?!"
  
  Alice Cooper turned 64 this week.  I've come to really enjoy him over the years.  He's got his head on straight concerning mixing rock and roll with politics.  One of my favorite quotes he ever did was regarding the musicians who supported John Kerry in 2004.  He said that Linda Ronstadt and Don Hennley supported Kerry so that was good enough reason to support Bush.  I think the legacy with Cooper is how he was probably one of the innovators of shock rock.  Without him there would definitely be no Marilyn Manson.
  
  If you've read my Celebrity Round Up over the past year or two you'll know my hatred for MTV especially the show Teen Mom.  This show is absolutely no good and what is happening to the people from Teen Mom after the cameras leave is a tragedy.  This is 21 year old Amber Portwood.  She was on Teen Mom and has legal problems even while she was on the show.  This week she was sentenced to 5 years in prison for drug possession but she can avoid the time if she goes into a drug treatment program.  Hello, Dr. Drew, something else for you to exploit.  The judge said if she completes the program then the case will be dismissed but if she fails she will go to prison.  During the sentencing she said that she has been doing drugs since she was 13.  Hmmm wouldn't the cameras pick up that she was on drugs while filming?  Why didn't they intervene?  She was arrested on December 19th during a meeting with a probation officer and it turned out she was in possession of hydrocodone.  I hope for her sake and more importantly her daughter's sake that she cleans up otherwise MTV will take Amber from Teen Mom to Teen Prison Bitch.
  
  Axl Rose turned 50 this week.  You know I was talking to someone about this guy in the last couple of weeks and we were trying to determine how awesome Guns N Roses would've been had he not went OCD with Chinese Democracy.  I said had they went on performing and putting out albums it would've totally changed their legacy and people may not think they are as good.  I also said that if they kept up performing there'd be no Pickles.
  
  And because I have nothing good going on in my life right now...here's Coco!  I wonder if a person could survive in the wilderness wearing those clothes.

  Have a great weekend.

  • 1:58 PM
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