February 13, 2012

• The Godfather's Essential Valentine's Day Mixtape Playlist

  I've been wanting to do a post like this for the past few years but I've never found myself in a Valentine's Day mood but this year even though I'm single I have hope or something I don't really know.  I just don't feel as cripplingly depressed as I normally do when the day arrives and I you're saying, "But, Godfather, Valentine's Day is just another day, why get upset?"  And to that I'd reply, "Well since it's just a day why don't you just come have sex with me?"  Yeah it sounds better when I say it in my head.  Anyway, I'm going to share some songs with you that I'm pretty sure will make your Valentine's Day a hit...unless you're Chris Brown and Rihanna because then every day is a hit.

  #1.  "Every Breath You Take" by The Police  Oh just listen to those lyrics.  They scream devotion.  They scream love.  They scream restraining order.
  
  #2.  "Love Will Tear Us Apart" by The Joy Division  This is such a beautiful song about loving someone so much that your love will put a wedge in your relationship and cause you nothing but heartache.  OK, I'm making that up but it's still a great Valentine's Day song.
  
  #3.  "You Never Even Call Me By My Name" by David Allen Coe  How many times have you been on a Valentine's Day date and you forgot your date's name and they just start calling you "hun" or "babe" or "sweetie" or "cutie pie" or "lardass"?
  
  #4.  "You're Beautiful" by James Blunt  See my comments for #1. 
  
  #5.  "Perfect Day" by Lou Reed  Drinking sangria in a park, feeding animals in a zoo, and watching movies sounds like a great Valentine's date as long as you're high on heroin.
  
  #6.  "You Light Up My Life" by Debby Boone  This was my parents' wedding song.  Every time I hear it I laugh because it's clearly about this lonely woman singing to God or her cat but if you want to laugh at your Valentine's Day date play this song and tell her it reminds you of her.
  
  #7.  "Wish You Were Here" by Pink Floyd  Sure this sounds like a great song to sing to your girlfriend if she lives 5 hours away and you're in college and you can't see her all the time.  Sure it has pretty lyrics that make you and her tingle in the naughty bits when you here it because you equate it with your long distance relationship.  But it's about a band who missed their original lead singer because he did so much acid it fried his brain and he wound up in the booby hatch but by all means sing it to your date because maybe you could get her to do acid with you and make the night truly memorable.
  
  #8.  "Gigantic" by The Pixies  Yep, it's about what you think it's about and guys you need to let your ladies know you're packing otherwise they may walk out on you.
  
  #9.  "Pussy Control" by Prince  Girls, remember that you should respect yourself and understand that you don't have to drop them thongs just because a guy bought you some flowers and chocolate.
  
  #10.  "Closer" by Nine Inch Nails  I know some of you will get down to some funky naughty business on Valentine's Day and nothing says "I wanna make love on you" quite like the lyrics to this song.
  
  And now, here's some Valentine's Day cards for you to possibly share with the object of your obsession or someone you love or you can pretend they are from me to you.
  
  Lieb mich jetzt!
  
  OK so it's not really a card but it speaks to me.  Te amo, ammo.
  
  Coming to DVD?
  
  I would totally take a date out and let her order all she wants and skip the meal as long as I got to eat when we got home.
  
  Oh yeah, hugging from behind, I have to remember to do that more often.
  

  I'll be back later with more cards for your enjoyment and my mockery.

  • 9:24 PM
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