February 15, 2012

• Laughgasm

  I have a feel that the reason my love life is a disaster is because I never forward those fucking chain emails.

  So when are you coming over to my house to pamper me?

  I once saw a girl with a shirt that had “Guess?” across her chest so I asked, “Implants?”

  The state of Mississippi passed a bill that mandates that the Gulf of Mexico be called the Gulf of America. I think Congress now needs to pass a bill that calls Mississippi“no longer a state in the United States of America”.

  I remember the good old days before “Cool story, bro” shirts when you had to actually talk to someone to know they were a complete tool.

  It’s not drinking alone if you are online because you’re connected to millions.

  I once dated a girl who was the heiress to the Saran Wrap fortune.  I ended up breaking up with her because she was too clingy.

  I think the best way to avoid feeling sad about being alone on Valentine’s Day is to remember that nobody loves you on the other 364 days of the year.

  If your guess is as good as mine you better guess again I guess.

  It’s so tragic that Whitney Houston died.  I always imagined that if she died it would be because Kevin Costner failed to stop a bullet from a crazed fan.  Or from crack.  You know 6000 Syrians die and hardly anyone reacts.  Whitney Houston dies and everyone takes to Xanga, Tumblr, Twitter, Facebook, but not Myspace because who uses Myspace, to say how sad they are for the loss of life.  Sure she was a good singer but she made herbed.  Why don’t we make posts for every smoker who dies from lung cancer?  Why don’t we make posts for every alcoholic who dies from cirrhosis of the liver?  I guess if we can’t find it on a map or own a CD by them then they aren’t shit to us.  And why is it that I don’t see any Whitney Houston posts while she’s alive in the past 5 years?  God bless America.

  Domino’s unveiled their bread bites.  Essentially, all the bread bites really are is cut up pieces of crust with some cheese and garlic flavoring sprinkled on them.  The next product Domino’s plans to launch is called Bag of Pepperoni.

  I always found it funny that the band Styxx took their name from the river in the Greek mythological version of Hell.  I think that aptly describes their music.

  I wonder if people ever think about me after they read my posts and say, “God, he needs to get laid.”

  I wonder how many virginities will be lost this evening.  I will wear my light up shoes because my virginity is hard to see in the dark.

  You realize that if you were born anywhere from November 5to 10^th it’s a pretty good chance that you were a Valentine’s gift.

  I could totally be a writer for a teenage high school drama TV show.  Whenever the ratings drop I’ll make a character get knocked up, come out of the closet, or die.  It’s just as easy as that, folks.

  I’ve often wanted to date a girl who has OCD just so I could have a maid.

  Essentially, my dream is to get married to a girl who has a birthday on February 14^th and will want to get married on February14^th.  This way I can knockout a birthday present and Valentine’s Day present in one day and not have to worry about remember extra dates.  And now for the serious part, I’ve had so many concussions over the course of my life that I cannot remember my own birthday. People laugh at this and think I’m being cute about not wanting to age or divulge when I was born but I honestly can’t remember.  It’s the strangest damn thing. 

  The only reason I keep my facebook open is so I can judge people for their poor decision making skills and mock their ugly children.

  Why is it that Lil’ Wayne has more money than I’ll ever make in my lifetime and yet he still dresses like a heroin addicted hobo?

  I think Nicki Minaj’s performance at the Grammy’s made Lady Gaga say, “What the fuck?”  Oh well, it was still better than The Exorcist III and 2 Broke Girls.

  And now for your weekly dose of motivation:
  

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  

  If we got rid of bullying that would be devastating to the economy.  The therapist market would go out of business overnight.

  Did you know Valentine’s Day is known as Worldwide Singles Masturbation Day?  Well I won’t be celebrating because vodka said it would be my date. 

  Cupid’s arrow does exist but in the real world we call them roofies.

  My dream job is to be a personal shopper at the local liquor store.

  If you want to control teenage pregnancy separate the boys and girls in the 5^th grade, make the girls watch “Kids” and the boys watch “Species”.  Problem solved.

  I spilled a box of candy hearts all over the floor but the cool thing is I picked them up one by one and wrote down each word or phrase in order and I sold the lyrics to Taylor Swift. Looks like I’m going to be a hit songwriter.

  My last girlfriend always warned me that I should have a mole on my back checked out.  I finally went in to have it looked at and the doctor told me it was a gopher.

  Why did Members Only just make jackets?  They should’ve branched out and made condoms.

  If God didn’t want men looking at breasts, he would’ve shaped them to look like vacuum cleaners or ovens or laundry baskets.

  What is the easiest way to spot a vegan at a party?  Just wait 5 minutes and they’ll tell you they’re vegan.

  Pringles chips are communist because they are all equally sized and uniformly stacked together.  If we don’t eat more Pringles then they will cause the Lays and Doritos to overthrow their shaped and large bag filled with air governments.

  I’ve always wanted to buy insurance but I don’t know whereto go because insurance companies hardly ever advertise.

  I got my first stand up gig. I have a five minute set.  An experienced comedian told me that a set like that is like having sex.  So what do I do with the other 4 minutes?

  I’m pretty sure if George Lucas was a dairy farmer, all his cows would be milked to death as well.

  The only way to do wrong on Xanga is to tell people how to use Xanga and what they can and can't say.

  Smart Xangans seem like crazy Xangans to dumb Xangans.
  

  I think the majority of Xanga drama starts when two people are going through substance withdrawal at the same time.  There really are emotionally unstable people here on Xanga.
  

  Saying I have a Xanga crush is so immature so I’m going to step up my game and make her a mixtape and get her a promise ring.  I was going to send her a mold of my penis so she could practice hacking it into small pieces because I tend to have that effect on women.
  

  This is Xanga.  Nobody is winning or losing anything.  If you made someone laugh, smile, or think today your job is done. 
  

  I’m getting sick of Xanga once again.  I see people write posts about boycotting and blocking sites of people who think differently than them.  What the fuck are you, 5 years old?  This is why I know America will never recover.  If you come to Xanga and have to block someone because they have a differing opinion you obviously don’t believe in the freedom of speech and aren’t American. Oh wait, you respect everyone’s opinion as long as they think the same as you do and then if they don’t then they’re retarded.  Grow the fuck up and join the human race.
  

  So I am sad because I didn't receive any chocolate hearts today or chocolate pancreases or chocolate livers.

  • 8:24 PM
  • 47 Comments