February 22, 2012

• Laughgasm

  I think they should make little tampons that are specifically for nosebleeds.

  I feel for today’s teenagers.  I think the hardest decision I made when I was a teen was deciding if I wanted to go to Taco Bell, McDonald’s, Burger King, or Fazolli’s.  I could’ve just gone to Rocky Roccoco’s but who wants to go there?

  According to TV and movies, everyone in high school is in their 20s.  No wonder the rest of the world thinks Americans are stupid.

  Because of Jeremy Lin’s growing popularity, a confused Mitt Romney has produced a series of attack ads against him.

  I think most brands of dog food are better than what they serve in school cafeterias.

  It was Rihanna’s birthday on Monday.  What kind of cake did she receive?  A pound cake, of course.

  My target weight is 150lbs. It’s just hard to keep my wife tied up so I can practice shooting ather.  Yes, two domestic violence jokes.  And those will be the last two…this week.

  Have you noticed that jokes about Chris Brown beating Rihanna have been going on longer than the length of their relationship?

  A while back Lady Gaga talked about how she was planning on making a perfume that was going to be scented like blood and semen.  I don’t think she’s actually going through with it however I have the perfect name for the scent, CSI Crimescene.

  If I had a nickel for each time I had sex, I’d probably have to ask my pimp for a raise.

  I am so sick about hearing about Whitney.  I get it, he invented the cotton gin but why does the media insist on talking about him nonstop?

  I forgot to shuffle yesterday.  Looks like my consecutive days shuffling streak has been broken and my life will never be the same.

  Jaded blogger is no longer funny after being continuously rejected by friends and females…more at 10…the only way I’ll make the news.  I used to be an anti-social outcast and then I found the Internet and now I’m an anti-social outcast who is overweight.
  
  Since people I once considered my friends don’t apparently give a fuck about me, I’m going to start hanging out with people who are more positive like my neighbor who has AIDs. 

  Sometimes I wish I could control people like in The Sims.  It’s a good thing no one here has seen me play The Sims.

  Basically what I’ve done my entire life is set people’s expectations for me so low that I’m at the point where I impress them if I put my shoes on the right foot and don’t shit myself.

  Imagine the music that would be made if Adele and Taylor Swift dated and then broke up.

  Why does food have to make you fat?  Why couldn’t it be something I’m not doing,like sex, that makes a person fat?  Why is the universe against me?

  I wish I had a girlfriend because then I’d wear underwear that doesn’t have holes in it.  Oh well,who needs girls when you have booze?

  Cooties are a real thing only now that we are older we call them STDs.

  Someone should put me on a TV show.  I could play a great villain like The Joker or Kris Humphries.

  I am pansexual and by that I mean I am so sexually frustrated that I’m going to smash my face with a frying pan until I get a girlfriend or a hooker.

  I have an evil sister who is in the music industry.  You may have heard of her, her name is Rebecca Black.  And some of you people think I’m an asshole.  My sister is far worse.

  Have you ever made a wish at 11:11PM and it never came true?  The reason it doesn’t come true is because I wish at 11:11AM that all the wishes made at 11:11PM don’t come true. 

  For Lent I’ve considered giving up on life and when I die I’d like my ashes secretly slipped into random pepper shakers throughout the world.

  And now your weekly dose of motivation:

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  

  If I have sex dreams about co-workers can I ask for over time and sue for sexual harassment?

  Some day I hope to have enough money to pay Gordon Lightfoot to read all my posts to the tune of “The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald”.

  I went to the body modification parlor to see how much it would cost to get my nipples pierced. They said they’d give me a discount because they’ve never seen as many nipples on a human before.

  Paula Deen would respond to negative emails and comments about her diabetes with the term “LOL”.  She didn’t think they were funny but she thought “LOL” stood for Land O’ Lakes.

  I hope Mark Hammill has talked to Daniel Radcliffe and Robert Pattinson about become too excited about their careers.

  I’m fairly certain that if the Founding Fathers watched one minute of Jersey Shore the Constitution would be much different.

  Why does no one seem to write songs about sensible women with high moral fibers any more?

  I can’t believe guys still are concerned about whether or not a girl spits or swallows.  Isn’t it enough that she allows you to ejaculate in her mouth?

  Adele’s voice is as powerful as my ability to repel women.

  The worst part about make-up sex is washing all the clown make-up off afterwards.

  I’m not a brave person. I will never be a Navy SEAL or use condoms bought at Dollar Tree.

  If I’ve disappointed or offended any of you, I’m sorry and I’ll try to make it up to you.  If you think I’ve changed your life then you may want to consult a doctor about getting a stronger prescription.

  Girls seem to freak out when I tell them I have VD.  In my world, VD stands for “voluptuous dong”.
  
  Life is a highway and mine is riddled with potholes.

  They say, “All good things must come to an end,” which is why I will never close this account.

  The #1 tip for a long, happy, and successful relationship is to never get a Xanga account.

  People, when you leave Xanga we don’t need an explanation.  We get it, Xanga ruins your life and screws with your mind.  Take iteasy and we’ll see you back here in two weeks.
  
  I’ve been more upset when I’ve seen my Xanga crush flirting with other guys than when a former girlfriend cheated on me.  I need help. Stop it, whores!  I love her so much that I would pee and poop with the door open so nothing could ever separate us.
  
  Being popular on Xanga is like sitting at the cool table in the mental institution.

  You know what really wins an argument on Xanga, correcting another person’s grammar and spelling.

  Isn’t it funny that people on Xanga get mad at you for posting your personal thoughts on a blog which is essentially an internet diary?
  
  I read so many Xangans and come away thinking that they area cynical fourth grader who just learned how to swear and because they know how to use the words “fuck” and “shit” they think they are badass.

  This post was Xanga funny but not “ha ha” funny.

  • 4:13 PM
  • 30 Comments