February 25, 2012

• Celebrity Round Up 2/24/12

  Well I'm back by popular demand because I wanted to write these again.  I went out to a Chinese buffet this evening.  I guess my parents sort of felt sorry for me and all so it was like a birthday meal.  Anyway my fortune was funny..."People will travel for miles to hear you speak".  Xanga meet-up?  Anyway it's time for the round up.

  NSFW and NSFL
  

  
  Abe Vigoda is still alive and he turned 91 this week.  I miss his inspirational quotes on Facebook which always were about him still being alive.  I haven't see them for some time which made me worry that he was dead but lo and behold there was one posted this week.  Abe is alive and kicking.  He'll probably out live me.
  
  Vanna White turned 55 this week.   And our puzzle is "Describe Vanna White"_ _ _   _ _ _ _ _   _ _   _ _ _
  
  A billboard advertising Tyler Perry's newest movie, Tyler Perry presents Tyler Perry in a film directed by Tyler Perry and produced by Tyler Perry from the creators of Tyler Perry's House of Payne and Tyler Perry's Meet the Browns comes Tyler Perry's Tyler Perry Tyler Perry in Good Deeds featuring Madea.  I wonder if Spike Lee has an alibi since we all know of the love Spike has for Tyler Perry.  Please, Lord, make Tyler Perry stop.
  
  That is Elisabetta Canalis and Jackass performer Steve-O.  Apparently they are in love.  Elisabetta used to date George Clooney so she went from Clooney to O.  They were celebrating in Rome this week.  Elisabetta took Steve-O to a sushi restaurant where she once took Clooney.  Elisabetta dined on yellowtail sashimi and spicy tuna rolls.  Steve-O licked peanut butter off a stray dog's butt and had the waiter slap him in the face with a raw salmon and then he stapled cocktail napkins to his chest.  True love people, true love.
  
  I have seen this photo circulating the internet for a while now and I always assumed it was photoshopped but after reading an article on Radar this week I have to believe this photo of Stephen Hawking is real.  Stephen Hawking is 70 years old and is regarded as one of the smartest human beings and he hangs out at a swingers club in California called Freedom Acres.  A source from the club had this to say: "I have seen Steven Hawking at the club more than a handful of times. He arrives with an entourage of nurses and assistants. Last time I saw him he was in the back 'play area' laying on a bed fully clothed with two naked women gyrating all over him. I have spoken to him on several occasions and have even shared drinks with people in his group. And he'll even take photos with people in the club as long as it's in a neutral area."  Stephen Hawking was a beacon of inspiration for some people but now after reading this I have to say he's a constellation, he works with outer space right?, of inspiration to the masses.  Get your, Big Bang on, Stephen!
  
  It looks like Selena Gomez has dumped Justin Bieber for a younger man. 
  
  This is Sacha Baron Cohen in his new get-up Admiral General Aladeen for the movie The Dictator which is somewhat based off a novel written by Saddam Hussein.  Well Sasha wanted to attend the Academy Awards this weekend but the officials with the show said he's welcome but he can't dress as this character: "We would love to have Sacha Baron Cohen at the Oscar show. We have expressed [to Cohen] that we don’t like our red carpet to be used as a promotional stunt. We’re waiting to hear from him. We’ve put the ball in his court.”  Yes, the red carpet of the Academy Awards is holy ground where no one promotes anything whatsoever.  Apparently they never heard, "I'm wearing Chanel, my earrings are Cartier, my bag is Judith Leiber, this tampon is designed by Armani and this platinum stick up my ass is Louis Vuitton."  You know they should let him dress up because it would actually give the show something worth watching because honestly this year's awards seem so boring.  Well Admiral General was on the Today Show to talk about it.  You can watch it here.
  
  This is the feel good story of the week.  I am so inspired by this touching story about the conquering nature of the human spirit.  Paris Hilton had a birthday last weekend and she spent it in Las Vegas and she won $30,000 playing blackjack.  Wow, $30K...I thought that was chump change for her or about as worthless as a room at a Hilton Garden Inn.  The weird part is she turned 31.  I thought she was in her 40s.  Considering Raquel Welch is in her 70s and looks better than her, I'm sure Paris will take that $30K and invest it in plastic surgery.  I hear doctors in Costa Rica have perfected anti-wrinkle injections that use cobra venom.  Paris should really fly down there and find out first hand how wonderful the injections are.
  
  Miley Cyrus got another tattoo.  This time it is on her bicep and it says, "Love Never Dies".  Miley, that's bullshit.  Love dies.  Apparently she didn't ask her parents who went through a divorce right around the time she turned into this big time teen rebel.  It's sort of unsettling how needy and love crazy she's become.  She's been on Twitter and seems to tweet something about needing to be loved every day.  She is so needy and has some serious voids that need to be filled.  I can't even do a "Well I'll fill them" joke because she has daddy issues and I don't want to get a mullet.
  
  Mark your calendars for March 3rd because Lindsay Lohan will be hosting Saturday Night Live.  This will in no way help Lindsay make any sort of comeback and, at best, she'll get through the show without trying to snort her actual lines on the cue card.  After that appearance she will begin production on the Lifetime movie biopic about Elizabeth Taylor titled "Liz and Dick".  Yep, Lindsay is going to play Liz.  Lindsay looks nothing like Elizabeth Taylor and she can't even get work playing a dead prostitute on Law and Order: SVU.  She was apparently up against Megan Fox for the role.  If you're wondering why she got it, know that she'll probably work for the cheapest, and that considering the title, she probably knows the source material better than she thinks.  Apparently she has the role under one caveat, she has to stay on the right side of the law.  What sort of deal is that if you can't allow Lindsay to use her greatest promotional tool?  That's like telling Ashton Kutcher he'll be the next James Bond as long as he doesn't act like a douchebag for ten minutes.  Or that's like telling me to stop banging supermodels.  It won't happen.  Chances are this movie is going to blow and that's how they should promote it.  Let Hurricane Cocaine do it's trick.  At best Lifetime will crush Hallmark Channel in the ratings and why do I laugh out loud every time I read this sentence.  At worst, Lifetime will own the  rights to broadcast the funeral and can make it even tackier than Whitney Houston's funeral.
  
  Katy Perry was a guest star on a show called Raising Hope this week.  She plays a prison guard who is reunited with a childhood friend.  Well I hope that guest role helps her music career get off the ground.  You know if she didn't have the singing or the fake boobs, I'm pretty sure this is what Katy Perry would look like.
  
  Even though most of JWoww was made in a Chinese plastic factory, she's proud to be American and since Monday was President's Day, JWoww made a list on her blog of PILFs...Presidents I'd Like to Fuck.  Here's the lucky presidents who made the list and her comments: "Ulysses S. Grant I heard he was an alchoholic. Sounds like he liked to party! He kinda looks like that actor Kevin Kline, right? LOL."  "Abraham Lincoln Who knew the dude on the $5 bill wasn't always so hairy. I bet the ladies loved him back in the day"  "Bill Clinton He might be old and gray but he was famous for not being able to keep it in his pants and a guy with a healthy sexual appetite is always sexy in my book."  "George Washington Who knew that the guy on the coin you use to get your laundry done was a bit of a looker. He can join me for some GTL anytime he wants!"  "George W. Bush We all know this guy liked to party Jersey style and that makes him A-OK in my book."  "Ronald Reagan Movie star turned P.I.L.F!"  "Barack Obama Yes we can!"  "John F. Kennedy Too much of a ladies man in his day, but he liked a lady with curves and I am down with that."  She probably wouldn't have lost any respect if she was more accurate and said all of them.  ♫And I’m proud to be an American, where at least I know I’m free.  And I wont forget the men who died, who gave that right to me.  And I gladly stand up, next to you and defend her still today. Cause there ain’t no doubt I love this land, God bless the USA.♫
  I once heard that there are two reasons why it's good to be 9 months pregnant.  One is that you can eat anything you want and people won't be judgmental.  You can eat a grilled cheese topped with ice cream, butterscotch, dill pickles, and ranch dressing and people won't think twice.  The other reason is that you get special treatment wherever you go.  People will give up their seat, open doors, let you cut in line, and some parking lots even have special parking for expecting mothers.  Well Jessica Simpson went to a Mexican restaurant expecting this kind of treatment but she didn't receive it.  There was a long line to get into the restaurant and Jessica Simpson didn't think she had to wait because she's Jessica Simpson and she's pregnant and people would feel guilty listening to her ankles pop while she stood in line.  She then tried to cut in line and a source had this to say: "Apparently Jessica was too hungry to wait on the line like everyone else, so she tried to walk straight to the front in the hope that someone would take pity on her pregnant self. Unfortunately for Jess, the line went crazy and other hungry people started yelling at her. It was so embarrassing. Eventually, Jess was escorted to the back of the line. But she didn't want to wait. After all that, she just went to grab some Taco Bell around the corner."  Those people were smart because if they had been around her in a restaurant featuring Mexican food, they'd be exposed to her farts and Jessica's farts have been known to melt contact lenses.  Besides that, I've found that Taco Bell is more authentic than most of those fancy upscale Mexican restaurants.
  
  Well, it's official, Jeremy Lin is no longer cool and Linsanity is officially over.  On February 4th when he scored 25 points and had 7 assists Knicks fans declared him the savior of the organization.  He's been an unlikely hero and star.  Well last night Lin went up against the Miami Heat, probably the front runners to win the NBA championship this year, and Lin had 8 points and 8 turnovers.  People, 8 turnovers is not good.  No one expected a guy who has been cut by other organizations and who was living on his brother's couch and was basically a fourth string to do any good but there's a reason why.  NBA scouts don't spend time looking at guys like that, guys that are a team's last option and that's combined with this being a shortened season because of the lock-out.  The Knicks caught some teams off-guard.  Now it's 20 days later and teams have their scouting reports.  I loved the story but I think it's time ESPN goes back to milking the Tim Tebow story dry.
  
  Daniel Von Bargen, left, played Mr. Krueger on Seinfeld.  This week he is fighting for his life after an apparent botched suicide attempt.  He called 911 and told the operator that he shot himself in the head and that he needed help.  The dispatcher asked if it was an accident and Von Bargen said, "I was supposed to go to the hospital and I didn't want to. They were supposed to amputate at least a few toes."  He is diabetic and had one leg amputated and was going to have a procedure scheduled for the other leg.  He is in critical condition in a Cincinnati hospital.  That is pretty sad.  I was actually just watching an episode that he was in just tonight.
  
  Dakota Fanning turned 18 this week.  Well where was the fanfare?  Oh maybe it's because she has her head on straight and wasn't a typical Hollywood wildchild.
  
  Ice T and Coco celebrated their 10th anniversary at a private ceremony at a hotel in L.A. this week.  That's true love, people.  But...holy shit...that dress.  Now when I get married I hope my wife decides that the best way to celebrate the vows we take to spend the rest of our lives together is to get a dress that doesn't cover her chest at all.  Also this week, Coco was on a TV show called The Doctors and she proved her ass was real.  You can check it out here.
  
  Well it all started at the Grammy's...how many good stories start that way?  The answer is none.  Anyway, after he won a Grammy, many celebrities took to Twitter to rightfully bash Chris Brown because when you beat a woman and then stomp her head in the curb and then go into hissy fits because you are asked questions you don't like and you become a spoiled, petulant, piss-ant people tend to not forget that.  And since he has no awareness or perspective on himself, Brown took to Twitter to prove those anger management classes worked for him and wrote this beauty: "HATE ALL U WANT BECUZ I GOT A GRAMMY Now! That's the ultimate F**K OFF!"  His mother was upset but she claimed that people were waiting for a reaction from her son just to judge him.  She's an enabling idiot who should know better because she herself is a victim of domestic abuse.  He should be reminded of this daily and if you are one of those tramps who wrote, "I'd let Chris Brown beat me because he's hot" your parents have failed you and all you have to look forward to in life is becoming a statistic.  And then of course this week Chris accosted a woman who tried to take his photo with an iPhone.  Yeah that can be construed as an invasion of privacy but they were in a public and open space and the girl wasn't anywhere near him.  Chris apparently came up to her, grabbed the iPhone, walked to his car, and drove off not returning the phone.  The district attorney in Miami is investigating and may press charges in the coming weeks.  Wait, there's more...people are saying that Chris has a new pick-up line for when he wants to score with other women who aren't his girlfriend.  Apparently they have an open relationship which I really don't understand but anyway his pick-up line is, "Can I get your number?  I promise I won't beat you."  What a romantic! If he really wants to win girls' hearts, I suggest flowers, chocolate and maybe, "Bitch, get in the back of the truck and spread them legs."  People close to Rihanna are worried that she's going to get back with him.  They have collaborated on two songs in the past few weeks, one called "Yikes" and the other is called "Birthday Cake".  Anyway people are trying to keep them apart but people close to Rihanna say you can't hold her love back.  I get it that battered women take time to leave their abusers but in most of those studies the women aren't financially independent and share children with the abuser and feel they have no place to go.  If you are rich and have a team of people who are trying to help you stay away from your abuser then you stay away from your abuser, an abuser who put you in the hospital and were virtually unrecognizable.  And if all this doesn't help you, well I'm sorry.  Also Chris Brown started a Twitter war with professional wrestler CM Punk.  Watch the video CM Punk made calling out Chris Brown. 
  
  Sad news, everyone.  I don't know when this happened but Calista Flockhart is now a zombie.  Remember when she was in Ally McBeal and had so much promise?  Now all she wants to eat is brains.
  
  This is Bobbi Kristina Brown, daughter of the late Whitney Houston.  Bobbi got high at her mom's funeral.  People say she disappeared for a while and then came stumbling back and others caught her doing drugs at the ceremony.  Also she went on a binge after the funeral and the burial on Sunday had to be delayed because they couldn't find her.  When they found her people claim she was stoned out of her head.  Last year Bobbi was photographed doing lines of coke and a few months before her mom died of the same thing she was hospitalized for mixing booze and pills.  Then since her mom died, Bobbi has been hospitalized twice for mixing sedatives and alcohol that someone close to her gave her to help her cope with her mother's death.  TWICE!  She is technically an adult and should be held accountable for her actions but she grew up in house where drug use was considered normal.  Maybe it's time people close to the situation get over themselves and admit that the family has drug problems.  If she doesn't get help soon we're going to be hearing headlines reading "like mother like daughter".
  
  Adele was at some sort of British awards show and she won all the same awards she won at the Grammy's but these were won with a British accent.  Anyway, before she could complete her acceptance speech Adele was cut off so the band Blur could perform for 11 minutes.  Adele said she'd see everyone next year and then she did that delightful gesture.  She explained later that she was throwing that gesture at the executives of the award show and not her fans.  Here I was thinking Adele was some sort of sweet and demure little flower but now she's got that fire and intensity...well I'm feeling rather randy...I wrote that in a British accent.
  
  This week Victoria Beckham was interviewed by a magazine and she complained about how hard it is to be a working mom.  "Look, if people want to say I'm miserable then so be it.  I'm really not. I have a lot on my plate. I'm not going to lie about it, I'm tired. I'm really tired but I'm also very happy with my life.  I'm not getting much sleep at all.  Harper's not sleeping that great, and I've been taking Skype business calls throughout the night, too, because of the collections. I'm up with the baby as all mums are, and I wouldn't have it any other way. There's not a team of people doing it for me."  You know when she says she has a lot on her plate, I can imagine she'd have more energy if there was actually food on that plate instead of the normal nothing since she loves starving herself to look fit.  It also must be difficult living off royalties to lip-synching songs for years with the complicated lyrics "zigazig ha".  It also must be rough being a woman and having sex with a guy like David Beckham because women the world over do not find him attractive whatsoever.  I'm sure the millions of other mothers who also don't have nannies, nor assistants, nor mansions, nor sex with David Beckham feel really, really sorry for Victoria Beckham and they just started that fire to show her their appreciation and not burn her on it.
  
  Britney Spears is in contention to become a judge on the next season of The X Factor.  The show recently fired two judges, Paula Abdul and Nicole Scherzinger, and the host Steve Jones.  Also being considered for judges are Fergie and Janet Jackson.  The producers of this show know they have to hire Britney because last year they used Paula Abdul and it got viewers accustomed to a little crazy.  It sort of prepared us for something bigger and crazier.  Janet Jackson may flash her nipples and Fergie pees her pants.  You have to go with Britney.  She carries the promise of a Fukushima sized meltdown.  I can just see the screaming when they take away her Pepsi bottle and replace it with a Coke cup.  It won't be because Britney endorses Pepsi but because she likes to use the bottles to spit her chewing tobacco juices in them.  Please make this happen.  Please make this happen.  Please make this happen.  Please make this happen.  Please make this happen.  Please make this happen.  Please make this happen.  Please make this happen.  Please make this happen.  Please make this happen.  Please make this happen.  Please make this happen.  Please make this happen.  Please make this happen.  Please make this happen.  Please make this happen.  Please make this happen.  Please make this happen. 
  
  Monday was Charles Barkley's birthday.  He turned 49.  It's hard to believe he's been out of basketball so long.  I loved watching this guy play back in the day.  He was such a thug but he was so powerful and he wasn't that tall compared to the other people who played the same position. 
  
  Cindy Crawford turned 46 on Monday this week.  I've been seeing a lot of her lately on my local TV channels begging me to donate money to the Univeristy of Wisconsin's children's hospital.  Yeah, she could convince me to do that.  I had so many knuckle children with her.
  
  Kurt Cobain would've been 45 on Monday.  I'm sharing all these people whose birthdays were on Monday because that was also my birthday.  Other people to be born on the 20th: Gloria Vanderbilt, Rihanna, Andrew Shue, French Stewart, Patty Hearst, Joel Hodgson, Ivana Trump, Sandy Duncan, Sidney Poitier, Robert Altman, Bobby Unser, Phil Esposito, Mitch McConnell, Antonio Inoki, and J. Geils.  Yeah, just thought you should know.

  I need to start writing these before midnight.  Have a great weekend.  I hope you enjoyed.

  • 4:13 PM
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