February 29, 2012

• Motivation

  I liked the title I had for this post but it just didn't feel right and I think it drove away readers.  Maybe I should have a contest to name it.

  A kid in geography class pointed at the continent of Africa and asked, “Which one is Urethra?”  I have no hope for the future.

  A recent study found that 99% of guys wouldn’t catch a foul ball flying at their girlfriend let alone a grenade.

  This past Wednesday it was hard to distinguish which people were adherents of Ash Wednesday and which people just got back from a bottlerocket fight.

  Andre 3000 of Outkast said that Outkast will never release another album.  Newt Gingrich was quick to blame President Obama for his decision to put sanctions on Stankonia.  Speaking of Newt Gingrich, his true identity was revealed today.  He was once a Chucky doll that went horribly wrong.

  I went to Burger King today and had to use the bathroom.  The lead singer from Digital Underground was in the bathroom but he was too busy to give me an autograph.

  Iran should do less uranium enrichment and more personal enrichment so they can write apology letters to hikers accused of being infidels.

  I think I’m officially old. Every time I tell a story it winds up long some long rambley show on History Channel.

  Why do stupid people breed? You’d think they’d know better.

  Currently my ideal situation is that I slip into a coma and they make a reality show about me being in a coma and when I wake up I’m filthy rich from my reality show money.

  I think the reason I feel so alone is because I’m the only person I know that doesn’t put anything on their cereal.  Even the lactose intolerant guy I know puts juice on his cereal.  Me, I just go at it raw.

  Thank god we know that Kid Rock endorses Mitt Romney.  Now if we could just get Color Me Badd to weigh on who they endorse then I know who I will vote for.

  If you ever watch Showgirls on BluRay you’ll be surprised how clear it is.  You can actually seethe exact moment Elizabeth Berkley’s career died.

  I wonder if I should take up smoking to develop new friendships because whenever you see smokers standing outside they are always huddled in a pack.

  I’m trying to grab your attention and by attention I mean boobs.

  Do you think in 50 years children will ask this about their baby photos: “Why are my baby photos posted on something called Facebook?  Why are my photos taken with Instagram?  You do realize Tumblr is spelled incorrectly?”

  Would any of you block me or hate me if I said I really loved Coldplay?
  

  If I was a porn star and someone approached me and said they were a big fan, I would not shake their hand.

  The Daytona 500 was postponed on Sunday because of rain.  You have to look on the bright side.  I’m sure that was the first bath a lot of the fans had this year.

  I think internet has destroyed all empathy and sensitivity I’ve ever had and I no longer feel sad when I hear of deaths because so many have been faked.

  Have you ever wondered if these primaries that Rick Santorum is winning are open primaries and not straight ticket where you have to register with a party to vote?  In Wisconsin you can go into a primary and vote for whoever you want and you don’t have to vote on basis of your party.  Hmmm I wonder who I should vote for.

  Did you know that the “F” in “JFK” actually stands for“fucking”?  I think I'm going to make sure all my children have that name for a middle name.

  It’s really annoying when you’re chatting with someone on facebook and they don’t respond for like 10 minutes and the window doesn’t say they’re typing so you know they’re not writing you a message of biblical proportions or anything. You basically debate in your head whether they’re getting food, ferociously masturbating, taking a crap, or ignoring you. Most likely the second or third one though.

  I have a feeling that in 20 years you’re going to need a bachelor’s degree just to beg on the street.

  And now your weekly dose of motivation:
  

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  

  If Heaven really is like Seven Minutes in Heaven, it’s going to be filled with a lot of sighing girls telling me not to touch them.

  I believe in separate but equal when it comes to boobs.

  The Mormon Church wanted to baptize victims of the Holocaust including Anne Frank.  Some say that is a huge violation of privacy sort of like reading someone’s diary without their permission.

  I once convinced a guy to tattoo his social security number on his back when he was drunk.  He did and now he can’t go to the beach without having his identity stolen.

  When I get drunk I act like I’m British…I drive on the left side of the road.

  I have always been confused by The Green Lantern.  His ring supposedly projects anything he’s thinking.  Am I really supposed to believe he’s never projected genitals at his enemies?

  They have auto-correct for spelling errors so why note motions and mistakes so I don’t have to relive the times I’ve unknowingly turned down sex.

  Everyone make sure you keep March 2^nd open so you can come see me sit at home and make dick and fart jokes and complain about Xanga.

  I think I was the only Jew not at the Oscars.  Did you notice that during the Iranian guy’s speech about how outside cultures need to back off Iran the camera focused on Steven Spielberg?  He is our most important Jew.

  I watched the Oscars and I can’t be the only person who wants to eat a bowl of chili off Stacy Kiebler’s ass.

  My dick looks more Jewish than my bank account.

  If you come to Wisconsin and run your mouth about how awesome it is where you live, we’ll beat you senseless because of roid rage, then we’ll eat you, and then turn your skin and bones into furniture.

  If the terrorists really wanted to make America die they should’ve blown up McDonald’s headquarters or tried to remove the Ten Commandments from a courthouse wall.

  My generation was influenced by an Italian plumber who abused shrooms.  This generation is influenced by a gay sponge who lives in a pineapple in the sea.  How fucked are we?

  If you think New Jersey is bad, you should’ve seen Old Jersey.

  I think it may be a good day to wear my Pink Floyd “Wish You Were Here” Speedo to the bar.

  Meaningless relationships mean a lot to me.

  The dictionary defines a blog as “a shared on-line journal where people can post diary entries about their personal experiences and hobbies”.  I tried that and I lost followers.  OK go look at the boobs again.

  If you heard something through the Xanga grapevine then you probably need a shot of penicillin.

  People say I am famous on Xanga.  Does this mean I can go to car dealership openings and cut the ribbon and wear a sash that says “Xanga Famous”?  I may be Xanga famous but remember, folks, I drink two beers at a time just like the rest of you.

  I think Adam Sandler’s movie career is sort of like my Xanga.  It got progressively less funny over time until the time it was absolutely pathetic.

  I sort of like to say I’m on pretty good terms with everyone here.  I try not to accuse you of trolling because I disagree with your opinion or rate your site EX simply because I have no other logical argument.
  

  Now taking bets as to what the next bit of Xanga drama will be.
  

  I’ve thought about starting a new Xanga account and when I do I plan on sending out a mass request saying that I’m TheologiansCafe and that I wanted to start a new personal blog. 
  

  When I get few comments on a post I just tell myself that my humor is too sophisticated and then I laugh like a demented hobo for a good minute or two and then I resume my regular Xanga activities.

  • 7:10 PM
  • 27 Comments