I am going to pick up the mission of a great man who left Xanga recently.  I am going to save or destroy Xanga.  It is high time that Xanga be saved or destroyed.  For years now, Xanga has been begging for attention and has been screaming out for saving or complete destruction.  I have a plan.  I have a gang and it's not a gang of 30+ accounts that I control to boost my site to the front page.  I won't divulge my gang member's names, they know who they are and they are hell bent on saving or destroying Xanga as well and when we aren't saving or destroying Xanga we're going to rob some banks and do other nefarious acts.  Watch out, Xanga, we are going to save or destroy you.  If you don't want to be destroyed comment on this post and on this post.  You will now enjoy #Caturday.

Have a great rest of your weekend.

Have you ever had a dream that felt so real you thought it actually happened?  Well I've had that more times than I can count but tonight was different.  After I posted my last pulse I decided I needed to take a nap.  I fell asleep for a half hour or so but the sleep made it feel like I slept for the entire weekend and in that weekend I met a Xangan.  god...Xanga dreams.  Anyway when I woke up it felt like Monday morning so I decided to send a quick email to the Xangan who visited me to thank that person for giving me a fantastic weekend.  I had the screen open and started typing and then it hit me, it was a dream.  I deleted and ended up spending my night watching a Waltons marathon.  OK time for the round up

Vanessa Hudgens was at Coachella last weekend and that was her "outfit".  So it looks like she was trying to paint with all the colors of the wind and wound up doing a massive amount of ecstasy instead.  I've seen 3rd graders make better headdresses with pigeon feathers, old belts, and construction paper.

And while I'm talking about Coachella, Tupac Shakur rose from the dead and performed.  Actually it was a hologram of Tupac that performed with Dr. Dre and Snoop Dogg and those two saw the commercial success i.e. DOLLAR BILLS Y'ALL and have decided to go on tour with Zombie Tupac.  They plan on doing a huge tour with many other rapers(typo stays) including 50 Cent and Eminem.  I still think Tupac should do a concert with Jem and the Holograms.  Now there are other hologram concerts in the work...Whitney Houston, Amy Winehouse, and Michael Jackson.  Please can we let these people remain dead instead of reanimating their corpses.  Just let them rest in peace.  I guess I'd be singing a different tune if I could somehow market a successful hologram show of me, John Belushi, and Chris Farley.  I'd call it "Three Fat Guys Talk about Stuff".  I would've included the video instead but Coachella claimed all the copyrights to the videos shot.

This week it was announced that two men, Christopher Johnson and Nathaniel Claybrooks, were filing a racial discrimination lawsuit against the producers of The Bachelor and The Bachelorette.  The claim that they went to an audition and were pushed to the side and weren't offered the audition and they say it's based on race because in the 23 seasons of that show there has never been a non-white Bachelor or Bachelorette.  Holy shit!  23 seasons.  I can't believe that mess.  The other thing I can't believe is that people go on these shows thinking they're going to find true love.  I think only 2 couples out of 23 are married.  WTF!  I watched this show once because I was trying to impress a girl.  Most all of the contestants had the personalities of dandruff and those balls of deodorant that get stuck in your armpit hair.  And here's a quote from the creator of The Bachelor when asked a couple of years ago if there will ever be a Bachelor or Bachelorette who isn't white: "I think Ashley is 1/16th Cherokee Indian, but I cannot confirm. But that is my suspicion! We really tried, but sometimes we feel guilty of tokenism. Oh, we have to wedge African-American chicks in there! We always want to cast for ethnic diversity, it’s just that for whatever reason, they don’t come forward. I wish they would."  Also, when is someone going to step in and sue them for the rose genocide that goes on when all those stupid men and women thinking they can find true love on a game show are given roses.  They are driving up rose prices everywhere.

I can't believe Taylor Swift is getting acting work.  I saw that mess that was called Valentine's Day and her acting can best described as stiff as a concrete erection.  She made Taylor Lautner's acting look human.  Well Taylor has been offered a role in a movie to play Joni Mitchell.  It's a movie called Girls Like Us and will be about Joni, Carole King, and Carly Simon.  An actress named Allison Pill is rumored to be playing Carole King and I bet they'll get Selena Gomez to play Carly Simon.  What is with this trend of getting singers of today to play singers of the past?  There's rumors that Rihanna has been offered a movie role as Whitney Houston.  What's next Miley Cyrus as Karen Carpenter?  Ke¢ha as Janis Joplin?  Why don't they just get a hologram of Joni Mitchell to play Joni Mitchell?  Or maybe Hologram Tupac could use some work.

I've been practicing my mind reading skills and I can read Selena Gomez's mind in this photo.  She's saying, "Why me?  Where did I go wrong?  Why is my boyfriend having a playdate with a more age appropriate girl?  I wonder what that dad is doing after this game.  He is a total DILF.  Why is that fat guy reading my mind?"

"Rowdy" Roddy Piper turned 58 this week.  He was always one of my favorite wrestlers.  I used to love his segment called Piper's Pit.  He was so good with the mic and he had some memorable quotes in his wrestling and acting career.  "Just when you think you know the answers, I change the questions."   "I don't wear a skirt. I wear a kilt. A kilt is what a Scotsman wears. A skirt is what your daddy wears to the cocktail lounge."  "I have come here to chew bubblegum and kick ass...and I'm all out of bubblegum."

Rihanna was at Coachella last weekend and MTV UK posted this photo of Rihanna sitting on some guy's shoulders with some unknown substance on his head.  MTV insinuated that she is doing cocaine.  What didn't help Rihanna is that she posted this photo on Twitter and once people questioned about the substance she deleted it.  Some people speculate that she was rolling a joint on his head.  Well Rihanna responded on Twitter to MTV in a graceful manner: "@MTVUK = PATHETIC CUNTZ".  So the consensus is that she has cocaine on that guy's head and she just made Time's list of the 100 most influential people.  Kids, if you let Rihanna influence you, you will at some point end up in jail. 

Octomom has sworn that she'd do just about anything for money except hardcore porn.  However she may be willing to engage in phone sex.  This week the creator of an awesome thing called Dial-A-Star was on the Howard Stern show and he got talking about the roster of stars that offer their services.  Yes, for a fee of anywhere from $5 to $20 a minute you can talk to celebrities such as the guy who played the gay mafioso on The Sopranos to Tailor Made of VH1 dating reality shows to Jeremy Jackson of Baywatch to Tila Tequila.  That is some messed up shit.  Tila Tequila costs $10 a minute whereas Jeremy Jackson costs $15.  Well Howard decided to give it a try and he called up Octomom for $14 a minute.  I was going to transcribe what they said but I can't figure out half the things she says so here's the link to the video.  Howard tried to turn it to phone sex but she sounded like she was strung out on caffeine pills.  The creator of this site said they are in negotiations for Octomom to put on solo sex shows.  Howard asked about that and she said she'd have to think about it and she wouldn't offer her body to anyone on camera because she doesn't want to have her children resent her.  But she'd be willing to double click her mouse for many to see and that would be ok?  Also I think her kids are going to resent her either way. 

PETA almost was one person closer to their goal of wiping every single person off the earth so all the animals can roam free without any humans to bother them and before all the humans are dead the last remaining member of PETA will kill a few thousand animals just for fun or whatever reason PETA has killed 27,000 animals in the past few years.  Miley Cyrus was rushed to the hospital after severely slicing her finger while cooking something from a gluten free vegan cookbook that PETA sent her.  The military got an idea from this.  They plan on dropping PETA cookbooks in the mountains of Afghanistan so Al Qaeda will either injure themselves preparing the recipes or shot themselves so that animals can roam free without human interference.  The only downside to this plan is that we would have to teach them how to read first.  Miley also received bad news this week concerning her movie LOL which is supposed to be a transition into more adult acting...not that kind perv...the kind of acting that doesn't have a giant mouse standing behind the camera counting his shekels. The production company has spent all their time and energy on promoting The Hunger Games and have put LOL on the back-burner.  They say it lacks any marketing hook so they don't really know how to or when to release it.  This movie can't be released direct to DVD because of something in the contracts.  The movie has only been promoted by Miley once and that was via a tweet.  Well I think we have found a front-runner for this year's Razzy awards.

Oh, Madonna is raiding her daughter's closet for clothing.  How cute!  And by cute, I mean pitiful.  Madonna said in an interview how she loves wearing Lourdes' Converse shoes.  Well Converse just became lame.  Sorry about that hipsters and punk rock posers.  Old lady Madonna made Converse jump the shark.  Yes, I know you love them, you carbon-copied, Starbucks-chugging, mustache-grooming, hopelessly addicted to fashion followers hipsters, but it is over.  Converse sneakers are now bowling shirts and Ed Hardy clothing and should be in the bargain bin at Walmart. 

That is Jonathon Frid.  He passed away last Friday, the 13th, at the age of 87.  He was the original Barnabas Collins on the show Dark Shadows.  He made that show because of that character.  It was originally just supposed to be a recurring role but soon he became the center of the show.  I was going to say I'm sort of glad he didn't have to see the crap that is being forced down our throats by Tim Burton and Johnny Depp but Frid had a cameo appearance.  He will be greatly missed.

This is Hillary Clinton partying in Colombia.  I thought it was sort of funny to see her letting loose and I'm sure she's being criticized on some news networks and I figure if she had an R behind her name she'd be criticized.  I've said it before and I'll say it again.  The only thing America manufactures these days is outrage.  She has a high stress job so she needs to unwind.  At least she doesn't spend a majority of her time in office on vacation.

OK, point A on this map is Stella McCartney's store in West Hollywood.  Point B is a restaurant named Madeo's.  Such a long distance between the two, right?  It's like some sort of Lawrence of Arabia epic journey going on between the two destinations.  How could we expect a celebrity the likes of Gwyneth Paltrow to make that journey on foot?  There was a party at Stella McCartney's store for the launch of Paul McCartney's new music video.  Then a bunch of the celebrities in attendance decided to have dinner at Madeo's.  Some of those people were Miranda Kerr, Orlando Bloom, Amy Smart, and Jane Fonda.  Well Gwyneth Paltrow and her husband Chris Martin had their chauffeured Lincoln Town Car pull up and take them 0.06 miles from point A to point B.  The funny thing about this is that Gwyneth has done public service announcements about environmentalism and she's also promoted green living.  I bet the sidewalk was too dirty for precious Gwyneth.  It has to be power washed with bottled water for her to set foot on a commoner sidewalk.  I guess a common sidewalk isn't good enough for her environment.

Gerard Butler has been out of rehab for like ten seconds and he was spotted at Coachella.  That place is pretty rough if you are a recovering addict.  There's an abundance of drugs floating around.  But to Butler's credit, he wasn't spotted doing any drugs.  He was just spotted picking up a woman and taking her to a port-a-potty after the did some good old-fashioned bump and grind dancing.  Apparently she was like his 15th choice.  Paparazzi spotted him hitting on woman after woman and finally one acquiesced and did some dancing and then they went to a port-a-potty because nothing says romance like the smell of other people's excrement and that nasty blue water.  There's something poetic about that.  I'm sure Shakespeare had that in mind when he wrote his love sonnets.

George Takei turned 75 this weekend.  I dig the guy.  He's funny and has a pretty swell Facebook account.  I just have a sneaking suspicion that that food wasn't the only thing the guy in the blue fed him.

Dick Clark passed away this week at the age of 82.  I'm pretty sure that you've heard a lot about his life and legacy so I won't bore you with that and I won't bore you with the joke about the Mayan calendar being correct because without Dick Clark there can be no New Years.  Clark will be greatly missed.

Courtney Love ditched her fake Twitter account(see even insane celebrities make multiple accounts on social network sites just like regular old peons on Xanga except Courtney didn't make 30+ accounts) and wrote to Frances Bean through her regular Twitter account.  She said that she was sorry for believing gossip and said that mommy loved her.  Wow, Courtney had a moment of clarity.  Shit...the Mayans were right.

Conan O'Brien turned 49 this week.  He is getting pretty old so I guess it's no wonder he works only 4 nights a week.  I'm still thankful for his video of old time baseball that was linked to The AV Club when he had his short-lived run as the Tonight Show host on NBC.

From one Coco to another.  Coco was spotted walking her dogs this week.  No shirt can contain her nipples and no pants can handle her camel toe.  Artists need to capture her beauty.

This is Anthony Hopkins as Alfred Hitchcock for a new movie about the making of the movie Psycho.  Looks like someone is dusting off his mantle making room for another Oscar.  If you think the G.O.P. is waging war on women, you need to watch a Hitchcock movie and then you'll see the G.O.P. has a long way to go.  That guy had murder/rape fantasies in most every movie involving a woman.  It was brutal to be an actress in a Hitchcock movie.  The movie features Hopkins as Hitchcock, Scarlett Johansson as Janet Leigh, James D'Arcy as Anthony Perkins, and Jessica Biel because no movie can have too good of acting.

A representative for Anna Paquin and Stephen Moyer announced that they are expecting a child.  Sookie and Vampire Bill are going to have a baby.  They are finished filming the next season so we aren't going to get to see a pregnant Sookie...darn.  That would make for some interesting True Blood.  I'm happy for them because when something feels right and it's what you want then it doesn't matter how you get there or how long it took to get there.  That is why after I press "save changes" I'm taking a drive to go get a Big Mac or a Double Quarter Pounder meal.

A source close to Amanda Bynes told RadarOnline that Amanda is getting sick of all the comparisons to Lindsay Lohan.  She said that it's unfair since she wasn't busted for possession of illegal drugs and that she is taking her DUI seriously.  Yeah, taking it seriously when a week after the arrest she was spotted leaving a bar and getting into her car, running up on the curb while texting on her cellphone.  Amanda is also upset because she thinks she's getting picked on because she's a woman.  Let's see the tale of the tape.  Both Amanda and Lindsay are former child actors, both haven't been in a film since 2010, both are nowhere near as hot as they used to be, both like to party, both have slept with Wilmer Valderama(I'm not 100% sure about him sleeping with Amanda but the odds are in my favor), and both have been arrested for DUI and then were spotted clubbing within the next few days.  Yes, all of these jokes I've made are an attempt to bring down the modern day feminism movement by linking these two 20 something train wrecks together.  How did she figure it out?  Well I think it's easy because Lindsay has been going around saying she wants to be Amanda's mentor.  Lindsay has been attempting to get Amanda to sit down for a talk about what's going on.  SWEET LORD MY PRAYERS ARE BEING ANSWERED!  Lindsay Lohan is going to sponsor Amanda Bynes.  I think I'm going to take the summer off and go follow these two around.  Just imagine all the money I could make on the book and movie deals.  Think of all the trouble they will get into when LINDSAY FUCKING LOHAN IS THE VOICE OF REASON!  This is going to be a combination of Apocalypse Now, The Matrix, Requiem for a Dream, and Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas.

And while we're on the topic of Lindsay Lohan...she was spotted at Coachella despite being warned by a judge to avoid clubbing.  Apparently "avoid clubbing" to Lindsay meant "go to Coachella a place filled with booze and drugs" and "start bar fights".  I guess they sound alike if your brain is as pickled as Lindsay's.  Lindsay thumbed her nose at the judge because she thought Coachella was a music festival and not a bar and she only planned on going there for music.  Coachella is way worse than a club plus THERE'S A CLUB AT THE COACHELLA FESTIVAL!  Lindsay was spotted walking around wearing high heels that make supermodels squeamish and get hurt on walking on a flat catwalk.  Coachella is in a field and it seems like Lindsay was trying to break her ankles so she could stay in bed all day hopped up on Vicodin and Oxycontin...clever girl.  Also, a week ago, Lindsay was at a club(where else) called Smoke and Mirrors.  While at the club Lindsay got into a shouting match with another girl.  The girl ended up having a drink thrown at her.  Here's the kicker, Lindsay was with her dad.  Lindsay and Michael Lohan are both known as rocks of sobriety and I'm sure they were sitting at this nightclub drinking Shirley Temples.  I expect that soon we'll hear, "I'm honestly sorry, judge, I didn't mean to steal the police car and drive it into the ocean but this mean bully at the bar got in my face and made me spill my drink in her face."  Also, Lindsay may lose her role in the Elizabeth Taylor movie because she wasn't to undergo any Botox injections.  Well on the flight from L.A. to New York the changes in pressure did a number on her face and the producers were horrified at her appearance.  I hope she can keep that job because a source close to Lindsay is also reporting that she is nearly $3million in debt.  Well, duh!  If I lived the life she lived and had no discernible work, I'd be in millions of dollars of debt too.  Her work with Playboy netted her nearly a million dollars but that didn't cover all her debts.  So if Lindsay is in debt and can't afford to get Botox injections how is she getting these procedures?  My only guess is that she's going to places that offer the cheapest procedures or she offers to pay in trade.  If 4 years worth of these posts have told you anything it's that Lindsay Lohan is incapable of going to the bar and not doing something completely stupid.  She just can't help herself.  She lives in a world where it's 2003 and she's a superstar and everyone bows down to Lindsay Lohan and no one knows she has a drug habit and she'll drop to her knees if she knows your holding.  She is an idiot with no perspective on her life and one of these days she's going to wind up dead in a ditch with her panties shoved down her throat and a tire iron shoved where the sun don't shine.  In other news, this one channel, Investigative Discovery Channel, shows some weird shit at night and I can't help but write it when I write about Lindsay Lohan.

A couple of days ago I posted a pulse about how a college classmate had his church featured in the new Nicolas Sparks movie The Lucky One starring Zac Efron.  Well it turns out the classmate, who is a pastor, plays a pastor in the movie.  There he is with Zac Efron.  Zac is a pretty tiny guy.
And then there's Mel Gibson...thus is Joe Eszterhas' audio recording of one of Mel's rants.

Have a great weekend.

It was raining today and I was washing dishes and I saw a neighbor drive by in his pick-up truck and then I notice in the bed of the truck he has his dog leashed to one of the sides.  Then a few minutes later I see him drive by again.  Then another couple of minutes pass and I see him drive by again.  I saw him drive by a couple more times.  I found out he was giving his dog a bath because the dog hates baths.  So clever.  I had to go do some work at my aunt's house and I didn't realize how deep a puddle was and I stepped in it and the water was up to my ankles.  Her backyard was underwater and the poor deer had trouble finding her strawberry patch.  Anyway, The Office was funny and I put in my eyebrow piercing again and now it's time for links.  Oh and I just looked outside and the rain has switched to snow.  SNOW!

1.  One of the things I laugh at most in movies is how guns work.  There are so many myths that have come out of movies and it's sort of funny how people believe these to be fact.  Anyway here's 6 gun myths.

2.  I hate going to the dentist.  I have never had a positive experience going to the dentist.  I remember the dentist I saw in my hometown up until I graduated college.  He had an assistant that I swear was a sadomasochist and got off on inflicting pain on patients and then humiliating them for not flossing and brushing every five minutes of the waking hours.  Anyway, I found this article about 5 passive aggressive tools the dentist uses because he hates you and it remind me of my youth.  Then when I got out teaching there was this dentist's office a few blocks from my place in the burbs.  The doctor's name was Jabs.  I stayed away.

3.  Everyone seems to love the memes.  I know I post memes every once in a while and recently there was one that seemed to be everywhere.  It was called Ridiculously Photogenic Guy or something like that.  The guy even made the rounds on TV.  Well memes pre-date the internet and here are just a few.

4.  I feel bad for sharing this now that Rick Santorum has suspended his campaign.  I still don't think Romney will win the nomination and the GOP convention will be quite entertaining and we may see a formation of a new party.  ANYWAY...this Tumblr is what happens when American politcs collide with Japanese photoshop.

5.  Here's a celebrity Tumblr, it's Dan Harmon, creator of Community.  His most recent post is his apology letter to Chevy Chase.

6.  Here's another fun Tumblr that is cat related.  It's cats that look like Ron Swanson.

7.  Now that baseball season is in full swing...see what I did there...people will head out to the park and realize that the game is boring so they start groping each other and then they get caught having sex in the bathroom.  Here's a collection of stories about sex busts at stadium bathrooms.

8.  I find this list fascinating.  It's the 15 smartest and dumbest U.S. presidents.  I think one of the reasons why people tend to not like Obama is because he breaks a trend that has been going on since Carter in that the president dumbs himself down to reach out to Americans.

9.  I found this collection of the 50 hottest student bodies in America.  My school didn't make the list but my tax dollars are hard at work pushing UW to #17.

10.  Recently, the house from the first Home Alone movie was sold for $1.58million which was $1million under asking price.  Here's a collection of photos from the house.

11.  I was introduced to a mystery this week and I am very intrigued by it.  It's called the May Day Mystery.  Someone or some group has been posting puzzles in the University of Arizona newspaper on May Day with occasional posts in between.  Here's another site with some of the puzzles and clues.  It's quite interesting if you have the time to read.

12.  And I present, The Porkarina.

Seriously, where is Obi-Wan when you really need him?

"You should've seen her face. It was the exact same look my father gave me when I told him I wanted to be a ventriloquist."

Oh, PETA, you so crazy

Is it weird that I want to eat a lot of these fake jelly beans?

Oh Bill, you so crazy.

I wish this was real.  My dad refuses to let me use his.

Now with the technology of hologram rappers Bugs and Daffy can enjoy both Biggie and Tupac seasons.

You've heard of Colombian neck ties, well this is a Tijuana Salad Tosser.

And there's a banana in there that will never be eaten.

That reminds me, it's time to do some spring cleaning on the old colon.  I need to add baked beans and buffalo sauce to my shopping list.

Just wait for all the marijuana talk tomorrow.

Have a good period time after you read this post.

Last week I posted a slew of Barack Obama tattoos and it got me thinking about other political tattoos that I could find.  Well here are the fruits of my labors.



George Washingon...I actually like the first one.  The second one just doesn't sit well with me and the third one it looks like along with fake teeth George had a fake eye.

I found this leg tattoo of many of our presidents...Andrew Jackson, George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, Thomas Jefferson, Ulysses S. Grant, and the Masons as well as Benjamin Franklin.  I think they are all depicted as being devils.  I'm sure there are some that would agree but then there's David Icke who would say all our presidents are reptiles.

I actually like this one.  I wonder if that guy ever tries to pass it off as money.

Well that's an unfortunate tattoo.

Well his generals' war strategies in the Civil War certainly did follow the strategy of the robots in the Terminator movies.

That might be the first Lincoln tattoo I've seen that featured his warts.

Zombie Abe Linclon...yeah, he could probably talk me into letting him eat my brain.

Useless Grant...how did he get a tattoo?

Teddy Roosevelt...quite excellent

Franklin Delano Roosevelt...I wouldn't be smiling considering where that tattoo is placed.




Ron Paul...well those people are probably upset but you live you learn


Martin Luther King Jr.  OK so maybe he wasn't a politician per se but he played a huge role in politics and the lives of Americans.


George W. Bush, I sort of like the placement of the second one on the bottom of the foot with that whole shoe throwing incident.

Jimmy Carter...I think there's some sort of comment to be made about this tattoo placement and him seeing the toilet bowl and his presidency but I can't make it right now.


Bill Clinton...that guy, always a hoot.  And the first one the caption says, "I did not have sexual relations with that woman."  Sure you didn't.  

Hillary Clinton...I don't think she did much laughing at her husband's escapades but I think Bill and Hillary had a relationship much like FDR and Eleanor Roosevelt.

I don't know if I posted this in the Obama post last week but I sort of liked this one with MLK Jr. looking over his shoulder.

Can you think of any politicians or political figures you've seen or would like to see in a tattoo?

Draw Something is an application for the iPhone.  It's a drawing and guessing game.  One player selects from three different options and then draws what they selected and the other player guess what is being drawn.  If a player guess correctly they get coins and these coins can be used to "purchase" more colors.  I think there's more to the game but I don't play it which is strange since the app has been downloaded 20million times in it's first two weeks after launch and 50million times after 50 days.  Sorry, just trusting wikipedia.  I guess I am fascinated with this game because some of the drawings are works of art while some are not so much.  I thought I'd share some of the drawings I've found and I think a few of these may have been done by Xanga @Lithium98

Brings new meaning to "down the bunny trail",

At first I thought it was a George Washington wig if he was hit in the head with an axe.

I'm gonna rise up, I'm gonna to kick a little ass, I'm gonna to kick some ass in the U.S.A., gonna climb a mountain, gonna sew a flag, gonna fly on an eagle. I'm gonna kick some butt, I'm gonna drive a big truck, I'm gonna rule this world, I'm gonna kick some ass, I'm gonna rise up, I'm gonna kick a little ass. ROCK, FLAG, and EAGLE!!

I would've drawn a bunch of hipsters standing outside of a store drinking PBR

This just may be my favorite drawing.  Care to explain why it's my favorite?  I think a few of you who follow me on Tumblr may know the answer.

This may be the best drawing of a robot that wanted to destroy a baby ever

That one is a slam dunk

Put your finger in your ear and wiggle it back and forth and you'll be able to hear Pacman eating that ghost.

"If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, it's yours. If it's run over by a car, you don't want it."  I am surprised they haven't made an ALF movie.  It's probably because the creator is insane and thinks ALF is real.

"Oh sweet painted lady, seems it's always been the same, getting paid for being laid, guess that's the name of the game"

Oh I figure this one will be quite popular come Friday

"Oh, yeah! Alright!  Are you gonna be in my dreams tonight?  And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make."

"Is this art or vandalism?"
"That's for the courts to decide."

Aye carumba!

Punch-up at a wedding

HADOUKEN!

This one is brilliant but I hope he doesn't cut off his ear.

Diabetes?

SCOOBY! 

I am so anxious for that movie.

If you want to play Draw Something with me, my user name is Idonthaveasmartphoneandthiswontworkonmyflipphone69

Remember that time we got high and caught that raccoon and I told you to paint it with all the colors of the wind?

As much as I’d like to see what would happen if Ron Paul would become president, I think his administration would be like the Montreal Expos.  You can move them to Washington D.C.but people won’t take them seriously and most people won’t care.

I think out of all the social networking sites, Myspace is the best because I waste no time visiting it.

I hate when people literally abuse the word “literally”.

Are offline couples still a thing?

I don’t consider myself a cyberbully because I’ve never stolen anyone’s lunch.

As much as some of you seem to like me, I’m almost certain you wouldn’t stand me in real life with my balding head, weirdo voice, pelvis thrusts, and hip gyrations.

“Next up on MSNBC, the racist Zimmerman in taken into custody.”  “Next up on FOX News,Zimmerman will not get a fair trial.” “Next up on CNN, Anderson Cooper will talk about something he saw on the internet today and then giggle uncontrollably.”

How many Red Bulls does it take before you get those wings?  I’ve had 11 so far and all I’ve managed to do is bleed from my eyeballs. Oddly enough, I can now understand everything that R2D2 says.  He’s so wise. They should’ve taken his advice more often.

Someone called me pretentious today.  I nearly choked on my trenta decaf double chocolate chai mocha latte breve with skim soy milk.

If you go to Google Images to search for “grandfather clocks” make sure you don’t make a typo. You’ll regret it.

You know your social life is shitty when the trash can goes out more often than you do.

If you drink 3 bloody marys while looking in a mirror, yourself-respect will appear and tell you to get your shit together.

Michael Jackson was one of my favorite football players.

Why isn’t surprise on the periodic table of elements?  I mean we always hear about the element of surprise.  What would the symbol be? OH?  Wow?

Pick-up line destined not to work: “Girl, you are hotter than a plate a waitress warns me about being very hot.”

Pick-up line destined not to work for me in 40 years: Hey,baby, you better call Life Alert because I’ve fallen for you and can’t get up but thanks to these pills I can get IT up.

Please!  If anyone has seen Titanic 3D please don’t tell me how it ends.  Someone did that when Titanic 2D was out and it ruined the movie for me.  Also, I wonder if Titanic 4D will ever be a thing. They could hire strippers to rub boobs in your face during the sex scene and they could flood the theater during the sinking scene.

Next weekend, I plan on attending Google+’s funeral.

Which of these rivers has the biggest mouth: the Mississippi, the Amazon, the Nile,or Joan?  The answer is Joan.

I tried this texting and driving they are warning the kids about.  No wonder they don’t want kids doing it.  It’s fun!

I bet if Dollar Tree started selling gas they’d be bigger than Walmart in a matter of days.

I feel cheated.  As guys get older they have a difficult time getting an erection.  I wish I could go back and have all the unused erections I had when I was in English class in high school.  I’d have enough to last me until I’m 200.

Even in French my love life sounds boring…ménage a un.

I figure I should get a lot of tattoos and piercings because I’m just going to burn this body one day.

I’m certain Dr. Seuss had a good drug hook up or an understanding doctor with a thick prescription pad.

I decided it was time to wash my camouflage pants.  I couldn’t find them in the washing machine after the load was finished.

And now your weekly dose of motivation:

Do you think Sleeping Beauty had morning breath after the prince kissed her? 

Diem carped me so now I’m pressing charges because there is no way I want to be carped.

I am no longer allowed at my local grocery store because whenever an attractive woman passed me, I ran to the pickle aisle, grabbed ajar of pickles, ran back to her, and opened the jar for her.

I think outrage and indifference are the only things still manufactured in the U.S.A.

I need to give my penis a name.  I think I’ll name him “Rick Moranis”.  I picked that name because he’s short and hasn’t been in anything for quite some time.

Funniest joke of the week: I have a soul patch.

I just sexted myself and now that I’m done I don’t know how to say I don’t want to talk to myself anymore.

You know I have to admit I feel like a fool.  I’ve been pronouncing “Bon Iver” as “Bon Iver” when I should’ve been saying “Bon Iver” all along.  I am such an idiot.

Tupac Shakur was “resurrected” and performed at Coachella this weekend.  It was a hologram and the sad thing about it is that the hologram was better than all of today’s rappers.  I hear Tupac is going to collaborate with Jem and the Holograms on his next project.  Also, rumor has it that they are going to have a hologram performance by Whitney Houston but I heard it was canceled because the hologram Whitney Houston did too much hologram cocaine.  There’s also talk of having a hologram Michael Jackson perform.  Do you think it would be safe to let children be around a hologram Michael Jackson?

Every time I see someone acting like a complete asshole I imagine they are a New York Yankees fan and 90% of the time I’m correct.  The other 10% are a fan of the Chicago Cubs or White Sox.

My girlfriend and I were watching TV and we saw a commercial for The Three Stooges.  She said it looked funny and wanted to see the movie as well as some of the original Stooges’ films.  I went shopping for an engagement ring the next day.  Then the day after that I was committed to an asylum because I have no girlfriend.

Chris Christie and I have a lot in common.  We both don’t like the Buffett rule because we both think it will limit the amount of times we can go to Old Country Buffet.

Things are looking bad in Denver after Peyton Manning’s first work-outwith the offense.  All his receivers did run blocking out of habit.

Antonio Cromartie of the New York Jets welcomed his tenth child into the world recently.  Instead of learning all their names, he collectively calls his children “Dime Package”.  That is good because he already has two more on the way.  His wife announced she was pregnant once again and claims she is carrying twins.  This means he will have 12 kids with 8women.  No wonder he asks for so much money in his contracts.  He pays $3,500 a month in child support for 8 kids to 7 different women.  That’s $28,000 a month and $336,000 a year and $6,048,000 for 18 years.  I think it would be cheaper if you bought condoms for a year.  A box of 36 condoms from Trojans costs $17.25and assuming he has sex once a day every day of the year that’s roughly 11boxes and would cost $189.75.  This is the only case where $189.75 is greater than $336,000.  That’s fun math.  I should put that in some middle school math word problems.

Tim Tebow was raising money for his charity.  One of his auctions was spending a day with him.  A couple won by bidding$100,000.  Tebow was horrified to find out that the couple was Skip Bayless and a blow-up doll.

Getting drunk and puking has surpassed baseball as the new national pastime.

My pastor says “YOLO” stands for “You Obey (the) Lord’s Orders” and “SWAG” stands for “Satan Watching Angry Goats”.

You have to use protection when doing anal sex because if you’re not safe a female could give birth to a politician 9 months later.

Imagine if Xanga had funerals for when people closed their accounts.  If I ever had a funeral I could hear it now, “He posted softcore porn and photos of cats.”

Why are you on Xanga right now?  It’s not peak hours time.  It’s almost like you enjoy it here.

New Xanga motto…Xanga: It’s Only Funny When It’s a Veiled Cry for Help

My mom asked me why people befriend me on Xanga.  I told her that people enjoy watching car crashes.  She then says, “That’s great,Matt, your brother is married and has children and has a good job and a good house and doesn’t look like he’s homeless.” I am the Clint Howard of my family and I don’t have any siblings.

Every time someone closes their Xanga account, the Amish win.

I wish Xanga was like Survivor in that we could vote someone off because so many people are assholes and I'd be the first person voted off.

Class I enjoyed reading your answers on the last assignment.  Your grade on that assignment is an A+ and for the semester you've now brought the class average to an A-.

Here's your next assignment:

A.
    

B. 
   

Answer either question with a complete answer.  You may do both questions for extra credit.

Get to work!

I hope everyone had a relaxing and enjoyable weekend and a blessed Easter and now that Easter break is over, it's time for the home stretch to the end of the school year.  I graded your last assignment and I enjoyed how many random stories were created and I also enjoyed reading some of your injury stories.  It wasn't taking enjoyment in them but joy that you shared.  Discussion is always key to these grades and right you get an A.  Your grade for the semester so far is a B+.  We only have a few more weeks so work hard on the next assignments.

Here's your next assignment:

A.  
 

B. 
  

Answer either question with a complete answer.  You may do both questions for extra credit.

Get to work!

A.  George Mechanic...I'm a hard worker and my most important job is servicing all your needs.
B.  Charlie Sheen...do I even need to explain?  Actually I'd probably want John Cryer to come to my party so I could feel good about myself.

Must take cold shower
Highly erotic haikus
Can't say what they did

Insignificant
Hidden in the pants of shame
Waiting for playtime

Now it's time to pee
I bask in the light of day
Before put away

A full head of hair
Never destined to go bald
My pubic afro

Man is gone for night
I am the only one home
Say hi to fingers

A trap to all men
Soon I shall have the control
Your penis is mine

The second haiku
the way the second line ends
made me point skyward

The price will go up
Just like every other thing
ha ha ha go up

Thank you very much
Here's your very own haiku
Cherish it deeply

I considered that
I'd get no one to compete
Worse than Flava Flav

I feel so much pain
Please do not feel all that pain
Hugs hugs hugs hugs hugs

Sir, I take offense
Oops I read that wrong, thought you
said I was rapist

But I'm pretty sure the Germans refer to "SWAG" as "Guntergliebenglauchengloben".

Home sweet home

Really home sweet home

I wonder if he gets elected if he'll allow men to own multiple women.

This guy is the bread loser of the family.

Jack and Jill went up a hill to fetch a pail of water and that lazy ho made Jack carry all the pails back.

Here's an exclusive photo of Jessica Simpson's ultrasound.

It's a mash-up of Black Swan and Mr. Mom.

Grandpa, I asked you to get bottled water.  Oh yeah, Bud Light is pretty much the same.

I bet that bass can do any song in 12 parsecs.

BOOM!

I watched this movie called "Bridesmaids" this evening.  I think it's this independent type movie that didn't get any mainstream media attention.  Anyway, it's set in Milwaukee and I got to thinking, "Gee, today is April 14th and that means it's Milwaukee Day."  It's easy to remember Milwaukee day because it's always on 4/14 and the area code for Milwaukee is 414.  So come enjoy Milwaukee and celebrate during one of its many ethnic festivals or Summerfest.  If you want to do some serious drinking, check out the Miller Brewery, the Schotz Brewery, the Milwaukee Brewing Company, Lakefront Brewery, and Sprecher Brewery.  And if that isn't enough drinking, head to legendary Water Street to the Water Street Brewery and Milwaukee Ale House and the most famous bar in Milwaukee, The Safe House.  Make sure you know the password before going to the Safe House.  Enjoy the Milwaukee Art Museum, watch the great circus parade, catch a baseball game at Miller Park, fear the deer with the Milwaukee Bucks at the Bradley Center and if basketball isn't in season you can check out the Milwaukee Admirals hockey team or the Milwaukee Mustangs indoor football team at the Bradley Center.  Also make sure you find the statue dedicated to Milwaukee's most popular resident, Arthur Fonzarelli.  So please come to Milwaukee, the most romantic city in the Midwest and the birthplace of beer goggles. 

And now it's time for #Caturday

It's time for bed, have a great weekend.