October 15, 2013

• Motivation

   

  The only thing I discovered on Columbus Day was that the bank and post offices were closed.
  
  Why does Columbus get a holiday and Columbo doesn’t?  It’s a real mystery.

  If Marco Polo were alive today I’m pretty sure he’d be pissed that Christopher Columbus gets his own special day and all he gets is a shitty pool game.

  I taught some kids yesterday.  They learned the rhyme “In 1492 Christopher Columbus sailed the ocean blue.”  Now if I only had a word that rhymed with genocide.

  If it wasn’t for Christopher Columbus this place would be full of Mohicans and a book called “A Lot of Mohicans” probably wouldn’t sell.

  How much caffeine do I have to drink before I become an immortal and gain a seat at Kolob?

  If I was a shark, I’d learn how to breathe on land and then go to a concert so I could attack crowd surfers.

  I like hanging out in front of grocery stores with a sign that says “Meat sale, Tube Steak 99 cents”.  No one ever takes me up on the sale.

  If you throw a turtle shell at an Italian person do they get smaller?

  When I was younger I would sit on my hand until it was numb and then I would use it to accept candy from stranger.  This is what I always thought “The Stranger” was referencing.

  When God created the flammable stick it was a match made in heaven.

  It’s so nice that my inner monologue keeps me company.

  I’m pretty sure the word “horny” is one of the worst sounds the vocal chords can produce.

  Today is an OK Computer on repeat all day kind of day.  If you disagree it may turn into a Vulgar Display of Power on repeat all day kind of day.

  I was reading that you can’t be part of the CIA if you’ve illegally downloaded music.  This means that in 20 years the CIA will be operating out of the White House basement and will be staffed by four guys and a guinea pig.

  I splashed some clam chowder on my face this weekend.  Now I understand why girls don’t like it.

  My dad is big into psychics and all that nonsense.  He is always trying to book them at the casino.  He always gets that Sylvia Brown even though she’s been discredited and hasn’t been on TV since Montel’s show went off the air.  Anyway I was arguing with him and he claims that one of these psychics once told him that everyone has something called a shoulder guide.  It’s something that sits on our shoulders and guides us in our decisions.  I said, “What, like our heads?”

  I hope Roger Daltry never gets dementia because if he goes around asking people “Who are you” then he’s going to get pretty annoyed when people respond, “Who who who who”.

  My favorite Bible passage is the one that says you have to share every Christian photo on Facebook or forward every single Christian email.  Also sharing every single political photo on Facebook doesn’t make you a pundit, it makes you a dick.

  I have a foolproof way to tell if I love a girl.  If I don’t hear R. Kelly’s “Bump and Grind” or “Ignition Remix” when I look at you then you aren’t the one.

  If you ever see a guy at Burger King whispering to the Coke Freestyle machine in a teary voice that he loves it.  Don’t be afraid to say hi to me.

  I want to fall in love with a gorgeous woman so we can settle down, make love under the starlight and have knock-down drag-out fights over which is better, gummi bears or gummi worms.

  Also if I get married, I know I’m going to be on Maury somehow.  I don’t really want to have children so it looks like I’m going to have to put my wife in a cage.

  Since the dollar is losing value, I’ve thought about getting back into collecting Beanie Babies.  In related news, I plan on never having sex again.

  Ladies, bigger isn’t always better so stop with those huge sunglasses and thinking my penis isn’t adequate.

  Babies are so cute when they smile, laugh, sleep, and aren’t mine.

  When a woman says “come here” I never pay attention unless she’s pointing to her face or chest.

  I tend to have more manners than most guys.  I introduce myself before I stare at a girl’s boobs.

  Why do people say men suffer from premature ejaculation?  It’s the women who are suffering.

  I was reading the story of the time I got electrocuted trying to unplug a fan from an extension cord.  I never did tell you the side effects of that fiasco.  My hair stands on end whenever there’s a thunderstorm and I ejaculate lightning.  Wanna come over and see?

  They say history repeats itself so I guess that means the mullet will be popular once again and this means I’ll become Jack the Ripper.  I’ll rip off mullets from stupid heads whenever I see one.

  Drinking alone doesn’t prove you have a drinking problem.  Drinking alone proves you’re an adult responsible enough to live by yourself.

  The scariest part of Halloween is all the people who put way too much time into carving pumpkins.  It’s a decorative gourd, motherfuckers!

  Some women look angry when giving a blowjob.  It could be worse.  You could have a dick in your mouth.  Oh wait.

  We only play Dwayne Johnson, Paper, Scissors in my home.

  A woman can only run as fast as her boobs will let her.

  At a recent doctor’s appointment, the doctor asked me if it hurt after sexual intercourse.  I replied, “They usually don’t call back afterwards and that really hurts.”

  My new plan for mischief is to go to Starbucks, order a spiced pumpkin latte, say my name is Brittany, and then I sit back and watch White Girl Rumble.

  My exgirlfriend told me that the self-flushing toilets that always finish before she’s done remind her of me.

  I carry a knife but not for self-protection but just in case there’s cake.

  And now for your weekly dose of motivation:
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  

  I hate when my congressman emails me to “take action” on an issue. Dude, you’re the one in congress, you do something.

  2 more days until we kiss our liquor supply away or some because America couldn’t pay the bills so John Boehner becomes president or some shit like that.  I never had Civics in high school.

  The college of cardinals took less time selecting Pope Francis than this government shutdown but then they were locked inside a chapel.

  If you don’t read this next set of jokes in Jeff Foxworthy’s voice then you have no soul.  If you want small government and the Patriot Act, then you might not know what small government is.  If you want small government and the war on drugs then you might not know what small government is.  If you want small government and prayer in public schools then you might not know what small government is.  If you want small government and thinks government should have a say in who marries who then you might not know what small government is.  If you want small government and think English should be the “official language” then you might not know what small government is.

  It seems like this government shutdown has lasted longer than any of my relationships.

  I think my cats are Mormon.  They hiss at me when I drink alcohol and caffeine.

  I hear next season of American Horror Story will be called American Horror Story: Your Dad is Behind a Box of Count Chocula Making Vampire Voices.

  Watching reality singing shows is making me lose my faith in humanity one poorly sung song at a time.

  Arcade Fire is my favorite band whose name sounds like a tragedy in which a lot of kids died.

  Parents, you should totally buy your kids fully loaded Ford Mustangs to show them how unfair life is.  I’m sure they’ll turn out fine.

  Proof that life is unfair: Breaking Bad is no longer on the air yet Grey’s Anatomy is.

  Can you get medical marijuana for oddly shaped nipples?  I’m asking for a friend.

  The Long Island Medium is great if you love being reminded of your dead loved ones before you try to eat a meal.  Watch the show next time and see if she tells the people something before she asks them questions.

  I’m Banksy.

  Sometimes I think the Kardashians do stuff just for attention.

  People who consider football to be violent may also consider Duck, Duck, Goose to be violent.  Some places consider it to be racist so they changed the game to Duck, Duck, Gray Duck.

  I had some car problems recently and the mechanic said “I blew a seal”.  I was scared he knew about the time I worked at Sea World.  It turns out that it’s some sort of car thing.

  Have you ever noticed that a flaccid penis and deflated testicles look sort of like a turkey’s face?  Women are so forgiving and awesome.

  The easiest ways to flirt with me are to talk about the TV shows I like.

  Why do us guys have such a hard time finding the clitoris?  It’s not a Where’s Waldo book.  There’s not a lot of places it can be.

  I made some seven layer salad last night.  It takes more like eight layer salad because I’m also eating my emotions.

  Guys, it’s true, size does matter.  When was the last time you were satisfied with a small sandwich after sex?

  I had a dream that I gave all the women in the world a toe-curling, mind-numbing orgasm and all I got was endless griping that the dishwasher wasn’t working properly.

  The most popular girl in my high school class had the surname “Rimmer” but she wouldn’t get asked out on as many dates as the girl who had the surname “Hooker”.

  I delete typos because I hate mistakes.  I’m glad my parents loved theirs.

  October is great because it turns Xanga into a softcore porn site with the Save the Boobs campaign and Halloween party photos.

  Xanga is a social network, not a social life.  Make friends here and be nice to them just like you would to people in real life.  You wouldn’t treat your real friends like how you treat people here, you piece of shit.  Also, get outside and get some air.

  My grandma is a cynical, racist, foul-mouthed woman who hasn’t been laid in 30 years so I thinking she’d be perfect for Xanga.

  Someone thought they were insulting me when they called me a Xangalebrity.  You should’ve seen the size of my erection.

  I was going to reply to that person who called me a Xangalebrity but then I remembered the first rule of the Xanga Elite…you don’t talk about the Xanga Elite.

  Do you want more people to follow you on Xanga?  Well do it like I do.  Be sexy as hell.

  I think half of the heart attacks in the world are caused by English teachers logging into Xanga and reading top blogs…yes I’m not well at grammar.

  If Xanga has taught me one thing it’s how to be totally socially inept.

  Thanks to Xanga, some of my friends are people I hope I never meet and pray I never will.  In other news I love my Xanga friends and some of you, well, I love more than friends.  I should just come out and name names but I’m too shy to say I like certain girls and ask them to convert to Mormonism so we can all get married.  Or we could just stay whatever religion you want because the Bible really never expressly forbade plural marriage.

  • 11:35 PM
  • 12 Comments