October 15, 2013

• Midnight Confessions

  

  -I currently have a boner

  -I was a judge for a Xanga erotica contest.  I bought a vibrator to give if the winner was female.  I didn’t get to voice this to the person running the contest so I now have a vibrator sitting in my room.

  -I want to host the first ever Xanga 2.0 contest and call it “Who Wants a Vibrator” but without recs it’s sort of stupid.

  -I thought I was going to die last night.  I lost a lot of blood last night and I will spare you the graphic details but I collapsed because I didn’t have any strength.

  -I wish I had one of those old lady “help I’ve fallen and can’t get up” necklaces

  -I have had numerous crushes on Xangans including the current but I am too chicken to make my feelings known because of a negative experience.

  -My eyes teared up with joy when I saw my Xanga was on The Huffington Post and CNN.

  -I’ve always felt myself to be a theologian and know more about the Bible than a lot of the people who consider themselves Christians and wrote for Revelife.  I think that is the sin of pride.

  -I have to admit that I enjoy watching Man vs. Food.  I admit that I have sort of a schadenfreude fascination with it because this is a show where a man goes around the United States partaking of eating competitions where he doesn’t finish all the food and then this program is broadcast to regions where people are severely malnourished.

  -I don’t consider myself to be tall.

  -I had chicken pox three times

  -I had so many of these little confessions to make but I lost them all because I’ve had at least 10 concussions in my life.  The most recent was a couple weeks ago.  I for some reason misjudged the height of my bathroom door(maybe because I was wearing work boots) and I hit my head on the top and the door frame and I basically knocked myself silly.

  -I’ve been electrocuted 3 times.  I had different side-effects each time.  After the first time my hair stood on end for about 5 hours and made me drool quite a bit.  The second time left me with an irregular heartbeat that basically went away after I did some running around.  I also had a large red welt across my chest where I fell on the electric fence.  The last time made my shirt melt, I lost hair on my hands, my toes had burns, and I ejaculated sparks.

  -I’ve been called the n-word at least four times in my life.

  -I chew my fingernails.

  Picture Time
  

  
  They are awful
  
  Speaking as a man who is over 6ft. tall…it sure does.
  
  You know the awkwardness made me say, “No thanks, ma’am, I prefer french toast.”
  
  That is quite an interesting paperweight.  I bet that’s a black power fist.
  
  I think I’ve found my Halloween costume for this year but with my appearance I’ll be left spinning my spinner all by myself at the end of the night.
  
  Well that hypocrisy is overlooked because his face looks cool on t-shirts sold at Target.
  
  I wonder how many times good old Ed got to use that pick-up line.
  
  Umm…I’m your friend and it’s October and we’re on Xanga?

  • 12:28 AM
  • 8 Comments