October 31, 2013

• Motivation

  Jehovah’s Witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween because they don’t appreciate random people knocking on their doors.

  
  I’m making a Halloween costume out of Subway wrappers.  I’m just making a pair of shorts so I can go as a $5 footlong.

  Did you ever notice that Halloween always falls on the same date every year?  That’s so spooky.

  November 1^st is the day that the most photos are uploaded to the internet of the year.  Who wants to see photos of my penis?

  It’s so gratifying trick-or-treating in Wisconsin.  You spend all that time picking out a costume and working out only to have it so cold that you have to wear a coat over the costume.

  A poll revealed that candy corn is the least favorite of all Halloween candy handed out to trick-or-treaters.  The second least favorite was a tie between whatever R Kelly and Roman Polanski hand out.

  The best part of Halloween is being able to eat candy corn naked and not having anyone second guessing you.

  No trick-or-treaters came to my house because of Baptists protesting Halloween.  They didn’t accomplish anything other than helping me arrange a party at my house tomorrow.  Please come to my house for a diabetes party.

  Did you know you can get personalized M&Ms? The sad news is they won't make them with the Skittles markings. There goes my Halloween plans.

  Does “No Shave November” include my pubes?

  November is Tongue Awareness Month.  It’s supposed to mean you are aware that your tongue is in your mouth and uncomfortable but in actuality it means that I have a tongue and it’s looking for work.  I’m looking for a lady who can provide benefits.

  My dick is like a ninja.  Even when you can’t see it, you know it’s there.  He’s probably just hiding in my fat.

  If I ever became a porn star I’d take the name Rammington Steel.

  I love how the CW network has a show about Mary, Queen of Scots, and the lead role is played by an Australian.  I think I’m going to develop a show based on Queen Christina of Sweden and cast an American to play her.

  I honestly don’t crave sex but just human warmth.  I’ve been toying with the idea of hiring an escort just to come over and sleep next to me.

  The Obamacare server is actually a Commodore 64.

  I think the designer of the Obamacare website also designed Apple Maps.

  The only new feature about iPad Air is that it will make your wallet much lighter.

  My wifi password is “ILOVEYOU” and people who use my wifi have to enter that password every five minutes so that I can feel appreciated.

  Why aren’t Walmart commercials more realistic?  Why don’t they show people in pajamas or people dragging six children by their earlobes?

  I’ve had a difficult time watching the World Series because whenever they show the Red Sox I feel like I’m watching a commercial for the next Hobbit movie.

  Can anyone recommend a good bukkake film?  I have Netflix and my queue is almost empty.

  Did you know that if you buy cat food and liquor while wearing sweatpants, you will spontaneously combust?

  The only cookie policy I have on this site is that you have to put them in my mouth.

  Why don’t they advertise McDonald’s Wraps for what they really are?  McDonald’s Wraps: Here’s a bunch of crap that fell on the floor put in a convenient tortilla for you.

  I don’t get why my cats always actual so casual until they need to lick their buttholes and then they do it with the urgency that if they don’t then the world would end.

  How many vicodin equals scotch?  I know I shouldn’t take them before driving but the minotaur running alongside my car is giving me a thumbs up.

  I am drinking haterade because I need the disrespectrolytes.

  The “Reading Rainbow” theme song is my favorite kid’s TV theme song about being high on peyote.  Try to convince me it’s not about drugs and I’ll do something or other.

  Why are there silencers for guns but not for candy wrappers in movie theaters or farts in public?

  I don’t think it’s proper to fake orgasm but if you do, take it from me, the best face to make is “outraged by the price of a piece of cheese being $15”.

  Voyageur 1 is 8 billion miles from Earth and continues to send readings back to Earth but I can’t get cell service in my bedroom.

  If strippers are called “exotic dancers” then we should call drug dealers “exotic pharmacists”.

  You shouldn’t do drugs.  I touched a bottle of weed once and 8 police cars and a helicopter showed up at my house within 20 seconds and I’ve been in jail ever since.

  Angela Lansbury is an anagram for Angry Anal Lubes.  No wonder people always ended up dead wherever she went in Murder She Wrote.  I can’t believe the police never connected murder to her since someone ALWAYS died when she came to town.

  Yes, the world is messed up but sitting in your room being nihilistic isn’t going to change things.  Go to a convenience store and by a Slurpee and drink it really fast.  Nothing is worse than a brain freeze.  Once you get over it you realize that the world isn’t a bad place after all.

  If I could have any superpower it would be to get girls to like me back.

  I have heard guys tell me about girls who can “suck a mean dick”.  That’s not right.  I want a girl to suck a nice, gentlemanly dick.

  Being a Vikings fan I think you have to be a fan of “American Pickers”.  The GM basically picks through other people’s junk hoping to find something salvageable.  I hear they are trying to trade Jarred Allen for a 1970s pinball machine.

  And now for your weekly dose of motivation:
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  

  Have you ever tried to picture Chihuahuas living in the wild and roaming the desert looking for food?

  I’ve never met anyone with as of an entitlement mentality as a cat but then I’ve never met Kanye West.

  I so wish there could be a Breaking Bad/ Breaking Amish cross-over.  It might happen since so many Amish make meth.

  Recently a very diminutive teacher said he didn’t appreciate all the “short” jokes I make.  I apologized and said that I thought they all went over his head.

  I blame people’s problems with not being able to distinguish between “were” and “where” on Twilight and the growing popularity of wherewolves.

  I was going to make a joke about how marijuana causes memory loss but I couldn’t remember it.

  I hate how store employees say they are here to help but they always refuse to help me by looking at this weird growth underneath my ball sac.  It’s like I have a fourth one descending.

  Archeologists have found evidence that ancient Greek homes doubled as bars and brothels so this explains why fraternities and sororities have Greek names.

  Women often talk about how it’s not fair that men get better looking as they age and women do the opposite.  Well I don’t think it’s fair that women become cougars and men become creepy substitute gym teachers.

  Was Hitler really that bad of a guy?  He did kill Hitler after all.

  I’ve been asked by a family member that’s doing a scrapbook to find a photo of myself as young as possible.  I gave her a photo of a sperm.

  If you do a search on youtube for “middle school” everything to shows up in the search result is inadvertent comedy gold.

  It’s always rude to interrupt someone who is telling a story unless they start the story with “I always save my toenail and fingernail clippings because…”

  I don’t think I got that job because when the interviewer asked me to describe myself in one word I said “Bootylicious”.

  I feel weird playing war video games like Medal of Honor because I know people who went through that shit in Iraq and Afghanistan.  Fake war games aren’t fun but then sometimes it is nice to try war simulators but “war simulator” sounds like a segment on FOX News.

  You know why the other movies after Star Wars still had Star Wars in the name?  Because Star Peace is for pussies.

  They just discovered the world’s first venomous crab in Australia.  I didn’t know my exgirlfriend moved to Australia.

  I usually break the ice on a date by taking a girl ice skating and falling down because I’m fat.

  I won a football pick the winner contest and one of my prizes was a gift certificate for a salon in Madison.  I went to the website and saw that they charge $50 for a Brazilian wax.  WHAT A RIP-OFF!

  I’ve always been skeptical about Forever stamps.  I’ve thought other things would last forever and I’ve been really hurt.

  I think any woman can be a body builder if she gets pregnant.

  Is it normal for my penis to look like an everything bagel?

  I have a sign on my vehicle that says: “If the van is a-rockin’, don’t come a-knockin’.  Use the doorbell because it’s hard to hear over all this fucking.”

  There was a girl at my high school named Allison that we called Tornado Alli because she blew everything in her path…except us.

  The Voice would be a lot better if it was hosted by someone other than Carson Daly and not on TV.

  I don’t like the theatre.  It always feels so staged.

  The difference between Xanga and Tumblr is the same difference as calling a girl cute or pretty.

  New Xanga motto contest…Xanga: Bring the Drama of the Outside World to Your Home Computer.

  Apparently there are new levels of dating: 1^st date=kiss, 2^nd date=blowjob, 3^rd date=sex, 4^th date=anal sex, 5^th date=tell your lover about your Xanga account and if they aren’t revolted then you’ve found true love.

  People often say that Xanga is like high school.  If I went to high school with as many horrible people there are on Xanga I would’ve burnt that place to the ground.

  Sometimes a typo in a post is the universe’s way of telling you that you suck and that your post is meaningless.

  Dance like no one is watching and post on Xanga like you need to be on a prescription for antipsychotic medicine.

  I just want all the people who have blocked me to know that blocking me won’t erase your repressed childhood memories or change your sexual lust for me.

  It sort of scares me that some of you can forget me faster than it took me to write all these words.

  I think it’s dead here at Xanga or everyone has been invited on some sort of endangered species hunt that I was not informed about.

  Before Xanga I never knew there were so many things people could get offended about.

  Odds are by the time you finished reading this post, you’ll have a good day so buck up and get out there and kick some butt and smile while doing it.

  • 12:45 AM
  • 14 Comments