February 12, 2014

• Is this place still alive?

  I haven’t been around here much.  I have so much hatred for Xanga Team that I had to get away otherwise my blood pressure would shoot up 50 points.  Anyway so I don’t have a stroke:
  

  I recently went on a date with a blind girl.  I convinced her I had a Braille tattoo on my penis.  It’s a good thing she was a slow reader.

  I think Comedy Central is trying to gain a new demographic because whenever I watch The Daily Show it seems like Jon Stewart is becoming more like Andy Rooney with each episode.

  I sometimes wonder if Rob Ford was a former Disney child star.

  Everything is temporary: life, love, my antivirus subscription.  What’s the fucking point?

  When girls give me mixed signals it drives me to mixed drinks with vodka.

  I really wish someone was touching me inappropriately right now.

  I need to get fucked by something other than my life

  I want a sugar momma to warm up my bank account in this chill of winter

  Over Christmas I crossed something off my bucketlist…haggling with a 100 year old Asian man.

  Spoiler Alert!  Not one single person caught fire in Catching Fire.

  I killed something recently.  I choked a boner with my bare hands.

  What time do you need me?  I am unavailable whenever that time is

  Has the GOP considered a “Tiny Dancer” sing-along to re-establish party unity?

  Watching porn without headphones is too risky.  No matter what.  CIA probably bugged my house.  Obama probably laughing at my little dick.

  Women who work at Hooters may be super hot and more fun. But let’s face it, the ladies who work in Subway are probably more wife material.

  I would love to be on Dancing with the Stars.  So where the Dancing with Regular Folks show?  Oh yeah, it’s called “Every shitty night club on a Saturday night”.

  If you have to look for somewhere to piss, you’re doing it wrong.

  I’m so sick of people thinking they can just waltz into my room when I’m obviously listening to music in 4/4.

  My erection is always playing hard to get.  Especially with all the girls who never get it…sigh.

  English doesn’t borrow from other languages. It follows them down dark alleys, knocks then down, and goes through their pockets for loose grammar.

  God invented women and the next day he invented vodka because he was like “sorry guys”.

  Scooby Dooby Don’t is a good phrase to use if someone tries to do something stupid and you want to use an equally stupid phrase to convey to them how stupid they are being.

  The only knockout game I want to play is knocking your vagina out of this world.

  Women are just like the woods: mysterious and full of wolves.

  Let’s all be grateful on Thanksgiving for the first person who was all “hey let’s fist this dead turkey with a handful of bread”

  I celebrated Thanksgiving by eating a turkey sub at Subway.  Lavish me with attention now!

  Granted, I managed to follow up the “bleached asshole” comment with, “Do you mean Guy Fieri?” and so overall Thanksgiving is a big win.

  I’m so hungry I can see the ottoman empire from my window.

  Keep your turkey leftovers moist with plenty of gravy and Al Green music

  The Milwaukee Bucks have a motto that’s “Fear the Deer”.  The only time I fear deer is when I’m driving through Wisconsin at night.

  When I was in 8^th grade I had a fear that I was a numerosexual because I kept getting boners during math class.  Turned out I was just staring at the girl who sat next to me.

  Life may be rough but boobs are really, really soft so can you help me out?

  I’m afraid sex will sound the same as when you stir potato salad and that’s why I’m staying a virgin.

  Sex is cool but have you ever had garlic bread?

  Porn is too much.  Someone could’ve eaten those apples, but instead you put them all in your butt?  Who will eat them now?  I won’t

  Why does everyone associate Satan with heavy metal?  For all we know, Satan could enjoy jazz.

  Have you noticed that everyone is dumb as hell

  I don’t care what anyone says, I’m pronouncing Smaug “smog.” What are we, worried about offending him? He’s a fucking dragon.

  One of the biggest positive points to dating me is that I am not the one making all those incoherent comments on porn videos.

  I had a bet going with some friends.  I had the duck dynasty dude saying something awful around April 2014 which means I lost a hundred bucks.

  I think the bigger question is why was the head of the ‘Duck Dynasty’ family featured in a magazine called Gentleman’s Quarterly?

  Provide for me. I promise to be a general disappointment.

  Remember when I first started on Xanga and posted half-naked pictures of myself and people would send me hot and dirty messages?  Why can’t that happen again?  BECAUSE IT NEVER HAPPENED IN THE FIRST PLACE!

  A royal flush is when I flush the toilet.

  Everyone should save Santa a trip and come over and be naughty with me.

  I’ve gotten to the point in my life where people around my age are having planned babies and that’s so weird

  How do you face your problems when your problem is your face?

  It’s all shits and giggles until someone giggles and shits.

  If this polar vortex bothers you, you haven’t met my wife.

  I get ignored on facebook so that’s why I’m here…to also get ignored

  I wonder if the person who wrote WinRAR’s 30 day trial mechanism has been fired, or maybe they say he’s fired but his ID still works and he can still walk into the building and get paid for his job.

  I hate these commercials that say Kevin Hart is the funniest man on the planet.  If that’s the case then book my flight for Mars as soon as possible.  Kevin Hart trying to be funny is like getting a Brazilian wax.

  Girls who go clubbing in just tiny dresses and massive heels in the depths of winter are true northern heroes and tougher than any boys ever

  Pick-up line destined for failure: “damn girl are you sitting on an f5 key because that ass is refreshing.”  “Did you know that I’m from Minnesota? I can make you wet 10,000 different ways.”

  I’m gonna be so angry in 2020 when someone is running for president and actually uses a 20/20 vision metaphor.

  Future hopeful editions of American Horror Story: American Horror Story: Slow internet, American Horror Story: Gastropub, American Horror Story: Special Victim’s Unit, American Horror Story: Your Roommate Left Spotify On and Locked His Bedroom Door., American Horror Story: School Bully is sitting in your Server Section., American Horror Story: CBS Monday Night Lineup, American Horror Story: Bronycon, American Horror Story: Cigarette Tax, American Horror Story: Humans of New York, American Horror Story: Thanksgiving Dinner, American Horror Story: Department of Motor Vehicles, American Horror Story: Cleveland, American Horror Story: Bubblegum on Suede, American Horror Story: Lena Dunham article, American Horror Story: A Bar Full of Red Sox Fans., American Horror Story: Dane Cook

  People need to go easy on Lorde.  She did, after all, witness her father’s public execution at King’s Landing.

  As in all things, think before you write a letter to the Wall Street Journal comparing something to Kristallnacht.  Basically think extra hard before you compare anything to the Holocaust.

  You either die a hero or end up watching yourself becoming the person talking about Girls.  I was housesitting a couple weekends ago and they had a satellite dish and a free weekend preview of HBO.  Well one of the HBO channels had a marathon of Girls.  I don’t get all the fuss.

  I’m holding a charity event for people who can’t reach orgasm.  If you can’t come let me know.

  What I’m looking for in a girlfriend: fighter of the night man, champion of the sun, master of karate, and friendship for everyone.  Basically if you understand that and have a vagina you are now my wife.

  I love those commercials where they try to convince you that like yogurts and gums are satisfying substitutes for dessert because I’m eating a yogurt right now and this bitch ain’t foolin’ nobody.

  New poll shows when children are asked if Santa is black or white, 100 percent replied “HE’S STILL BRINGING MY LOOT, RIGHT?”

  How are dogs always so happy when the economy is a mess?

  Today I broke my record for the number of days I haven’t died. I plan on breaking it again tomorrow.

  Do the ends justify the memes?

  I literally hate Netflix because there’s too much to choose from yet too little to pick from.

  What do you mean it’s inappropriate to have Highway to Hell by AC/DC at my funeral?

  What if when Martin Luther translated the bible he was kinda rusty with his Latin and all of the parts where it refers to God as “Lord” were just mistranslated and it was actually Lloyd.  What if God’s name was Lloyd?

  Don’t quote me on this but I’m pretty sure there are times when scratching an itch that really needed to be scratched feels better than sex.

  My friends keep telling me how they had sex in a field under the stars for New Years or they finally kissed that person they’ve had a crush on for years and I’m embarrassed to tell them that I kissed a lamp with a wig on it

  I wish I was an artist so I could paint the Last Supper with Kool Aid Man.

  Can you eat stickers on apples or do I have to go to the emergency room?

  I hate waking up in the middle of the night after drinking. My body feels so gross.  But at least I woke up. Sometimes it’s nice to be old and have prostate issues.  I did wake up with a church hymn in my head. Could be worse I suppose. It could be a Robin Thicke song or Gangam Style.

  I was thinking it’d be fun to go to Colorado but I figured that in a day or two the cloud of smoke would get here so I’d have a contact high

  “I make 6 figures a year.” You’re not a very successful sculptor then huh.

  The back of the book is called an appendix because it’s the part that no one uses right?

  Girls hate it when you give them gifts implying that you will somehow benefit from them as well. Take knee pads for example.

  Did you know if you stick two pencils in your nostrils and an egg in your mouth, you should probably get a job instead of doing that?

  I wish I could use sexual interaction as self medication.

  Scary news for Americans: It’s rumored that when the GOP rolls out its plan to replace Obamacare, the website will work.  GOP plan to replace Obamacare covers preexisting conditions as long as you blame the preexisting condition on Benghazi.

  While Bin Laden planned 9/11 attack, media covered Lewinsky story 24/7, yet Republicans now say it wasn’t covered enough.  Today, Rand Paul slammed Clinton over Lewinsky scandal. Also worried about Y2K bug and growing popularity of the Spice Girls.

  Captain & Tennille have filed for divorce, citing irreconcilable mediocrity.

  I’m not shy. I just hate everyone.
  
  

  • 11:03 PM
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