November 7, 2013

• Motivation

  Do these text break things actually work?

  
  I sort of wish my first word as a baby was “quote” so that when I die my last word can be “unquote”.

  When I was a kid there was pressure to lose your virginity by the time you graduated high school.  Now so many kids are losing it by the time they leave middle school so in high school the new pressure is to sleep with teachers.  Good thing I’m fat and ugly.

  I got fired from my job at the pet store because I liked to take the snakes and braid them and try to sell them as a three-headed snake.

  I recently returned a movie and the people at the theater were pissed that I took it in the first place.

  I only bought one walkie talkie because I wanted privacy and didn’t want the NSA listening to the other one.

  I’m addicted to placebos but if I tried to quit it wouldn’t matter.

  Do you find it weird that only one company makes the game Monopoly?

  I’m going to write an unauthorized autobiography and sue myself before the book is released.

  I want to be on a board of directors but with my luck it will be a Ouija board of directors.

  When I was in third grade the teacher asked me what animal I would like to be.  I told her I wanted to be a bird.  She asked if it was because then I’d be able to fly.  I said, “No, my shit would be white.”  The same teacher also couldn’t hear so she turned the classroom thermometer to 15 degrees.  She did this so she could see if we were talking out of turn.

  They tell me I should take more vitamins.  That is so expensive because it takes eating a lot of vitamins to get full.  All I know is that my piss is amazing.  It’s like a laser show.  I like turning on Pink Floyd every time I go to the bathroom.

  If heat rises, then Heaven must be hotter than Hell.

  I’m buying a plasma TV in case I need an emergency blood transfusion.

  I talk to myself in languages I don’t know just to screw with my brain.

  When I was a kid I was really inspired by a lesson my teacher presented on the Sistine Chapel.  I decided I needed to paint my ceiling.  I stood on top of my dresser and painted Jesus and Santa Claus on a see-saw.  Jesus was down and Santa was up because Jesus is Jesus.

  You know, the New Testament is pretty old so maybe they should call it the Recent Testament.

  Instead of prize fighting between boxers I want to see Pulitzer vs. Nobel Prize fighting.  I’d love to see writers and scientists swinging fists at each other then in between rounds typing on typewriters or doing math to find a way to defeat their opponent.
  My last girlfriend sent me a break-up letter.  I read it and was upset.  I then decided to cross off her name and signed mine.  I sent it back to her and never heard from her again.  She must not have liked what she wrote.

  Invisible fences are great for my invisible dogs.

  This year I’m not using a snowblower.  I bought a flamethrower at a Russian military surplus auction.

  My cats have a website and all it is is pictures of naked dogs.

  I like to wear navy shirts and khakis to Walmart.  People then ask me for help and I snap back at them, “What?  Do I look like I work here?”

  I went into Blockbuster because I wanted to see if they were having any sales.  I asked the clerk if they had that one movie where Nicolas Cage is a riverboat pilot and he has to rescue children from an orphanage run by Marilyn Monroe and he is being chased by the evil villain from outerspace named Xenu played by Cary Grant.  Then they all meet on an island in the middle of the Mississippi River and sort out all their problems with a song and dance number.  Then I realized I was describing a dream I had.  The clerk said, “No, and we didn’t have it when you asked for it last week.”

  I hear Blockbuster is merging with Napster.

  I’m going to the hospital tomorrow to get an MRI to find out if I’m claustrophobic.

  They say practice makes perfect.  They also say that nobody is perfect.  Well that’s just perfect so I’m giving up.

  I hate when people come up to me on the street and ask me what time it is.  I usually tell them, “Oh I don’t know.  I’m not from around here.”

  When I go to my friends’ houses and see they have “to-do” lists on their refrigerators, I like to add things like “adopt baby to sell on black market”, “insurance fraud”, and “buy Matt a new car”.

  Why are photographs rectangular when the camera lens is round?

  They say that you shouldn’t put metal in a microwave.  Well they’re right and the hole in my wall confirms their theory.

  My friend Joe was killed by a wishbone.  We don’t know if it was an accident or suicide.

  I sometimes get upset when I go to XHamster and see that it still isn’t filled with videos of extreme hamsters skateboarding and skydiving.

  I’m fairly certain that if cats could talk all they’d say are lines from famous movie villains.

  My rap career never took off because I lost a rap battle to a Walmart greeter on an oxygen tank.

  Ending classes with a re-enactment of Phillip Seymour Hoffman’s “I’m an idiot” speech in Boogie Nights sounds like a good idea, but it’s not.

  I’m working on getting my doctorate just so when I order take out I can have it delivered to Dr. Godfather and when they hand me the pizza I can sniff it and say, “MMMM just what the doctor ordered.”

  I wonder if someone ever gets pulled over on suspicion of drunk driving they can get off by telling the cop that they were driving ironically.

  You think No Shave November is easy?  Try No Bathe November.  It harkens back to the Elizabethan Days where everything was so much better.  Sigh…I was born in the wrong century.

  I’m fairly certain that farts are just evil spirits leaving our body because we eat certain foods that they can’t stand.

  I like watching the Dallas Cowboys play because even when sitting at home there’s always a chance I could catch a Tony Romo pass.

  And now your weekly dose of motivation:
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  

  I was having a conversation with my mom about a soup supper at my church and she was trying to tell me that she had to deliver soup to a person.  I asked who and she answered, “Kathy Prees.”  I didn’t know who this person was so I asked where they live and my mom said, “Oh come on you know where Kathy Prees lives.”  I said I didn’t and she said, “you used to make bike ramps in the backyard.”  I made bike ramps everywhere when I was a kid.  “Kathy Prees lives up the block from where we used to live.  You have to know where Kathy Prees lives.”  I finally lost it and yelled, “I don’t know any Kathy Prees so how the hell am I supposed to know where Kathy Prees lives?”  “I wasn’t saying ‘Kathy Prees,’ Matthew, I was saying ‘Catholic priest’.”  Well that makes sense now.  I need to start looking for hearing aids.

  I just accidentally took a daytime cold medicine instead of a nighttime cold medicine.  I’ve had three cups of coffee, it’s 225 miles to Chicago, I’ve got a full tank of gas and half a pack of cigarettes, it’s dark outside and I’m wearing sunglasses.  It’s time to get weird.

  Whenever you talk to someone who is attractive, the chances you do something stupid multiply by 100.

  Papercuts are the last act of vengeance committed by trees.

  Why is it that people want a piece of cake after someone has blown and spit on it?

  I conducted a research study with a group of astrophysicists and we determined that the earth does not revolve around my ex-girlfriend.

  Do you know that look women get right before they have sex?  Yeah, I don’t either.

  I have a huge money making idea.  I’m going to invent a remote control that will find my other lost remote controls.  Who am I kidding?  I’d lose that one too.

  An apple a day keeps the doctor away or in my case three apples a day keep my hemoglobin levels higher than those of a five year old.

  The best part of having hardwood floors is that you can put on socks and pretend you are ice skating.  The worst part of having hardwood floors is that I can no longer feel my legs after that last fall.

  I was at the gas station and the clerk said, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s this dark already.”  REALLY?  YOU CAN’T?  It’s not like this phenomena happens every single year at this time.

  Everyone is gifted but not everyone opens the package at the same time.

  A friend of mine told me that he likes to pleasure himself while thinking of his wife in the shower.  I replied, “Good to know I’m not alone.”

  Grandma, you can’t say “colored” anymore.  They’re “assorted palette” pencils.

  Daylight savings time is cool because you get to travel back in time or at least rewind your life for one hour.

  I don’t like people in large doses but I like bourbon so if I’m around a lot of people you better have a lot of bourbon.

  The Big Bang Theory could redeem itself entirely if it abruptly aired an episode in which everybody finally snaps and forms a mob which beats Sheldon to death for the entire duration of the episode.  I’d watch that. I’d consider it a high watermark of American visual media.

  “I love it when you call me big papa” is sort of disgusting if you look at it from a Freudian perspective but if you look at it from a rapist perspective it’s classic.

  For Halloween this year I was dead on the inside.

  Dear zombies, Why don’t you eat other zombies and leave non-zombies alone?  Sincerely, non-zombie Matt.  P.S. Since you are a zombie you probably aren’t on Xanga.

  It terrifies me that I can be forgotten by someone faster than how long it took to write all these words.

  Being popular on Xanga is like sitting at the popular table in a mental hospital.

  One thing I’ve noticed is that when people on Xanga say they’re posting links to their nudes but they don’t link to actual nude pics.  So here’s a shout-out to all the people that actually link to their nude pics.

  Xanga is pretty much like masturbation.  You are here to please yourself and if others like what you do then that’s even better.

  If you’re new to Xanga then I have some advice for you…LEAVE!

  When I see someone has unfriended me on Xanga, I get pissed off and say, “Fuck that loser” but then I read the post where I talked about soaking my girlfriend’s tampons in horse tranquilizers to keep her mellow during her period and then I’m saying, “Yeah, I feel you.  I’d unfriend me too.”

  Get ready Xanga, we are now entering the time of the year when I become irrationally livid with anyone who lives in a tropical or subtropical climate.

  A recent study revealed that the thing that brings people closest together is the mutual hatred of a third party.  Ladies, email me which Xangans you hate and I’ll see if we match up or you can just do the old-fashioned thing and send me nude photos.

  Now people who are addicted to Xanga can log off from their home computer, walk to their car, log back on to Xanga while they go to work.

  Some of you Xanga ladies make me wish there was something out there that is the opposite of a restraining order.

  You do realize that in the time it took you to read this that somewhere in the world a teenage boy was caught masturbating by his mom.

  • 12:19 AM
  • 18 Comments