November 14, 2013

• Motivation

  I don’t like clogging up your inbox with my drivel so I shrink these posts down for preview or whatever.  I hope it works.

  When I got my flu shot, I saw the needle and basically fainted.  Then when I was calm enough to get the shot, the nurse said, “Oh it will be just a little prick.”  I said, “Wrong, that thing looks like Jonah Falcon.”  I really need to stop knowing creepy things.

  The internet is basically meth.  It feels really good when you first start but then you can’t stop and then it loses its luster and you don’t get anything out of it but you still have to use it.

  The next time you watch a movie, don’t ignore the FBI warning.  They list all the naughty things they’ll do to you.  Trust me; you don’t want to break those laws.  Your butt will thank you unless you are into butt stuff then go ahead, break the law.

  Can you imagine the day when a parent goes to name their child and the doctor says, “I’m sorry that name is taken.  May I suggest Sara_013 or Sarasanaughtygirlxoxo?”

  The real reason women love men in uniform is that the men have been conditioned to follow orders and women love men who are obedient.

  If you were born this week it’s probably because you’re parents boned irresponsibly on Valentine’s Day.

  I’m not good at flirting because I always think that if someone hears something sexual coming from my lips it would be the most awkward thing ever and would induce vomiting.

  If evolution was real, how come people are this stupid?  Creationists-1, Evolutionists-0

  I’m still planning on an autobiography but it will be full of scandal.  I’ll probably end up having sex with the autobiographer at some point.

  I find it funny that the producers of Honey Boo Boo knows they all speak plain English but feel it necessary to add subtitles because the elitists on the coasts don’t speak no real English.  Welcome to ‘Murika, now speak ‘Murikan.

  Have you ever had the feeling that Hitler’s final solution was an attempt to prevent Adam Sandler from being born because Hitler was capable of time travel and came to our time and saw Jack and Jill?  Don’t worry, I can say this.  I’m Jewish.  How ridiculous does that sound?  Just because a person is a certain ethnicity it enables them to say derogatory things about their ethnicity.

  A recent study found that weight loss restored sexual function for obese men.  They found it triggered two things.  First, guys were able to find their dicks and second, they were able to get dates once they weren’t fat.  Hmm I guess I am ahead of the curve because I can find my own dick.

  I touched her hand, her hand touched her boob, therefore I touched her boob…the transitive property…God I love algebra!

  Masturbation is self-sufficiency in its purest form so is therefore the most American of any activities.

  I saw a biker with a shirt that said “If you can read this, the bitch fell off.” and wondered, “Does that come in a mask?”

  I bet people stare at the television more than any other household appliance

  Once to score free drinks at a bar in Minneapolis, I told people I was the fat, silent kid on The Cosby Show

  They have a Throwback Pepsi that contains “real” sugar. If Coca-Cola were to make a Throwback Coke, would it contain cocaine?

  If anyone goes to a NBA game, could you do me a favor and vote for me for the All-Star team?

  If there’s one thing I learned in life it’s ladies of taste and refinement prefer strip scrabble or strip chess over strip poker

  Sometimes when people tell me a story about their life I get disappointed because I know the main character doesn’t die.

  Reminder for football fans: dancing after a touchdown can nab a penalty for unsportsmanlike conduct but firing cannons inside the stadium is a perfect touchdown celebration.

  It’s a real shame that America doesn’t knight people, because I’d love to see what kind of dipshit people we’d end up honoring.  I bet it would only take two months before someone that was nicknamed “Bubba” was knighted.

  I had spinach for dinner and now I’m forcing myself to finish a boring book, so I guess I’m ready for your dark embrace now, BDSM community.

  The doctor diagnosed me as “awesome”.

  I was so confused when Aaron Rodgers was injured.  There were all sorts of reports.  Some said he had a mild sprain and some were saying he had his arm amputated.  Packer fans can exaggerate when our heroes get injured.

  Sure, the gym will help you get abs and drop pounds, but being funny will help you get bras and drop panties.  Not that it ever works for me.

  Since celebrities wearing blackface was a trend this past Halloween, I’m thinking of going next year as a white person wearing blackface who hasn’t thought things through.  I also plan on walking around eating candy bars and being 20lbs heavier next Halloween and go as the guy who didn’t have any trick-or-treaters and stocked up on candy but the stupid Baptist church was out protesting Halloween and scared everyone away.

  Why do people want to be called “Fire Crotch”?  Maybe “Flaming Anus” was taken.  Maybe it does sound badass until you think about what causes the burning.

  I feel like a stray cat in human form.

  Is it possible to go to the doctor and ask them to give you diarrhea until you hit your goal weight?

  The Zodiac Killer was never captured.  He could still be out there.  He could be your dad.  He could also be your mom.  You never know with how many killers there are these days.

  “Remember, remember, the fifth of Johnnie Walker.”  -me when trying to get a bartender’s attention.

  Pick-up line destined for failure: “Girl, are you shampoo?  Because I’m trying to avoid eye contact.  Also you smell like shampoo.”

  I was at a restaurant getting a bagel and the waitress said, “That’s a lot of cream cheese on your bagel.”  I replied, “That’s a lot of assholiness on your personality.  Fuck off if you want a tip.”  Don’t mess with a Jew and their bagel.

  My girlfriend said she needed some space in her life so I hung some Star Wars and Star Trek posters in the kitchen.

  Does anyone have a spouse that loves to play the game called “Yell from four rooms away and complain that I didn’t hear you”?

  It’s hard to believe that a company like Blockbuster that didn’t change with the times didn’t make it.

  Momma always said life is like a box of chocolates, you’re always going to bite into a fucking coconut.

  Bisexuals are attracted both men AND women, whereas Irish Americans have significant ancestry from and cultural attachment to Ireland

  Girls, guys like it when you give them head.  Lots and lots of head.  Decapitate every human you see and give your male the head.

  We live in a world where the pizza arrives faster than the police

  And now your weekly dose of motivation:
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  

  Let’s talk about sex, baby.  Oh, you probably wouldn’t understand it being a baby and all but I have to get a lot of shit off my chest.  TLC was a confusing band.

  North Korea publicly killed 80 people who watched South Korean TV shows, porn, and had religious materials. Can’t we do that to anyone DVRing the Kardashians or Honey Boo Boo?

  Life is what happens when you stop giving a shit about what’s happened in your life.

  I worried that the sequel to my unproduced screenplay will never happen.

  You know when you were young and couldn’t wait to get the call from your crush? I feel that way about the food delivery man.

  I brushed my teeth.  I feel good.  I should probably do it more often.

  Why is the prefix “Mo” used for a “no shave November” and they call it Movember?  How does “Mo” make me think of mustaches?  Maybe it’s because it uses the British form of “moustache” but that’s a stretch for America since we kicked their asses.  Would Hitler have participated in Movember?  Wikipedia claims it started in Australia which doesn’t make sense.  IT should be called Marchsupial and we all grow pouches to protect our young and instead of Movember we should have Februhairy, Augustache, or Decembeard.

  I love how Rihanna’s whole career has become gyrating in skimpy animal print costumes and tweeting things like “More oral no morals”.

  I am so over Christmas and it’s not even Thanksgiving.  I was shocked that on Halloween, the local Dollar General had gutted all the Halloween merchandise by 3PM and had all the Christmas stuff put up instead.

  If you put a Cheeto on a big white plate in a formal restaurant and serve it with chopsticks and say something like “It is a cornmeal quenelle, extruded at a high speed, and so the extrusion heats the cornmeal ‘polenta’ and flash-cooks it, trapping air and giving it a crispy texture with a striking lightness. It is then dusted with an ‘umami powder’ glutamate and evaporated-dairy-solids blend.” People would go just nuts for that.

  I hate when I watch that show House Hunters and they have kids and that is ALL they talk about.  Who cares where they will play?  Also why do people care what books they are going to read outside when they are searching for a house?  At some point I just say, “Oh that would be a cool place to smoke weed or drink scotch.”  OK so I don’t watch the show all the time.  I just saw one episode because a guy I knew when I was a kid was featured.  He was a tool then and sadly hasn’t changed.

  “I took three naps today.”- Wisconsin’s most eligible bachelor.

  One must eat McDonalds breakfast alone in your car in the parking lot to really get the full loneliness and full of regret experience.

  They say an engagement ring should cost three months of salary.  So expect $75 from a teacher.

  My doctor asked me if I’m sexually active.  I said, “Well I just sort of lay there.”  We both had a good laugh.

  My parents asked me if I had any funeral plans.  I said I wanted “Stayin’ Alive” played at my funeral.  No laughs.  Such a tough crowd.

  If it’s sad, hilarious, and on my Xanga then it’s probably a cry for help.

  Today’s weather forecast: Sunny and a high of 46 with a low of 27.  Xanga’s forecast: mostly boring with increased drama this afternoon with a 100% chance of bullshit.

  Xanga teaches you that there are people out there lonelier than yourself even if they have 75 different accounts and use them to communicate with each other.

  Xanga should be about having fun, smiling, and making people smile.  If you make it a competition to get on the top blogs or form of validation for yourself well I pity you.  I hope you find a friend or a good therapist.

  If it wasn’t for multiple personality disorder Xanga wouldn’t have 75% of the users.

  Checking Xanga has become like checking my fridge for something to eat, it’s the same stuff that was there before.

  “The greatest thing about Xanga is you can create a quote about anything and totally make up the source.”- Abraham Lincoln

  Xanga doesn’t make you happy.  It just allows for some of the insanity in your brain to exit through your fingers and enter someone else’s brain.

  Fucked up and steady wins the Xanga race.  But drunk, manic, and creating multiple sites works just as effectively.

  Sometimes I get the feeling that someone on Xanga has killed before and I don’t like it.

  If you’re offended by something I post, let me know so I can completely overhaul my site just for you.

  Sometimes I think I’m funny but then I go back and read my posts and realize I need a therapist and another drink.

  • 11:50 PM
  • 12 Comments