November 20, 2013

• Motivation

  This Friday is the 50th anniversary of the deaths of JFK, Aldous Huxley & C.S. Lewis, all of whom died inside an 8 hour span of time.  Talk about a magic bullet.

  
  The best way to win an argument is to text a person something that enrages them and then don’t reply to any of their texts.  Watch them fold.

  I hope that one day David Copperfield can make Criss Angel disappear.

  Drinking 8 glasses of water a day is much easier when they are beers

  Why was Oedipus so against cursing?  Because he kissed his mother with that mouth.  Ugh…I am so sick of these motherfucking jokes.

  I can’t stop listening to Billy Joel.  I guess you could say I’ve been listening to him for the longest time.

  I was having sex with my girlfriend and she kept saying “deeper”.  I rolled off and started reading her poetry.  How’s that for deeper?

  There’s nothing more depressing than that commercial where the dude is happy to be sitting alone at a table eating dinner at a Dairy Queen.

  I like my women how I like my coffee. Hot… and unable to speak.

  The Playstation 4 was released last weekend.  Sales of Mountain Dew and Cheetos skyrocketed breaking all single day records.

  Someone had a birthday this week and they brought a cake decorated like the TARDIS.  I had one small piece but I feel so stuffed.  I should’ve seen that one coming.

  I was in the breakroom and heard a guy talking about how pissed off he is about his kids ignoring the hamper marked “Whites Only”.  Guess which part he said painfully and uncomfortably loud?

  I finally heard that song “What Does the Fox Say”.  I made it two seconds into the chorus before throwing up.

  I think the most intimate thing a couple can do is share a plate of spaghetti.  If you can watch someone else eat spaghetti and not be disgusted, you marry that person immediately.

  If the modeling world is going to use ‘plus-sized’ to describe a normal looking woman, then it’s only fair they call the rest ‘dying sized.’  Or they can just call any woman’s clothing size “goddess-sized” or “not going to give any to the Godfather-sized”.

  Lots of people don’t like me but that’s OK because lots of cats do like me.

  I’m too lazy to masturbate.  Can you come over and do it for me?

  Who do you think is more fun at parties: Rob Ford or Charlie Sheen?

  There’s a British guy named John Green who has a new show on Food Network about saving bars from going under (read: Bar Rescue for the non-Spike crowd), and I really wish the name of the show was “The Fault In Our Bars

  I like to play the game, “let’s see if I’ll remember to do the very important thing today, without writing it down.”

  Sometimes I feel like I’m Dane Cook in that I’m not funny.

  I was at a restaurant and witnessed a white person get offended that someone ordered an omelet that was whites only.  They said, “This is the 21^st century.  I didn’t vote for Barack Obama for this nonsense and Rosa Parks didn’t sit on a bus for this either.”

  I’m 97% certain the only things scientists study are cures for baldness or prolonging and lengthening erections.  Or at least late night TV infomercials have led me to believe this.

  I’m a job creator.  I create lots of handjobs but that’s because I’m self-sufficient.

  My doctor said drinking was bad for my liver and I told my doctor that nagging about my drinking was bad for his paycheck.

  Why do motels still advertise that they have color TVs?  I think at this point they’d get more customers if they’d advertise they have black and white sets.

  I often brag about how I’ve been smoke free for over 6 years now.  I’ll give you the truth.  I vowed that I’d only smoke after having sex.

  I like to drop my pants and sing “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun” at karaoke.

  The best part of having a girlfriend is knowing that she loves me when she says I’m a stupid piece of shit that doesn’t do the dishes.  I think she may be the one.

  I bought some turtles at the pet store the other day.  Does anyone know how long I should microwave them before they start doing karate?

  When they do a canned food drive, I bet the recipients are always frustrated they get all those cans of food but no can openers.

  Did you know the “PT” in “PT Cruiser” stands for “Pussy Tamer” and that it’s named after my dad?

  When a guy on a dating profile says he enjoys long walks in the park or on the beach he really means that he likes getting plowed by a girl wearing a strap-on.

  George Zimmerman was arrested for domestic abuse.  Turns out his girlfriend was wearing a hoodie and he pulled a shotgun on her but he claims his unborn child was concealing a gun behind the umbilical cord.  Maybe George Zimmerman forgot his toothbrush or something in jail and needed a way to retrieve it. Stop being so quick to judge, guys.

  Robin Williams should donate some of his arm hair to Locks of Love.

  I wonder if I can fix my personality in the editor.

  I had such a terrible time sleeping at an Amish farm last weekend.  I was tossing and churning all night.

  I drive with my hands at 10 and 2 no matter what time zone I’m in and if they recognize Daylight Savings Time.

  Miller High Life is my favorite oxymoron.

  And now for your weekly dose of motivation:
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  

  If you’re actually a material girl you should be way more excited about this silk condom I made.

  I’m getting everyone Blockbuster Video lifetime memberships for Christmas

  90% of the shows on TV should be called “Why?”

  I try and live every day as if it’s my last: a little bit fatter than the day before.

  Guys, how long does it usually take after you put money in a Redbox for the movie to start on the screen?

  McDonalds is opening a third drive through lane in most locations. Perfect, now I can get clogged arteries in a third less time.

  This year I am celebrating Thanksgiving like the pilgrims by inviting an American Indian over for dinner and giving him the bubonic plague.

  Want to share this bucket of fried chicken? I’m only going to eat the skins.

  If I was in the NFL, I’d introduce myself like “Matt, aka MF-Sexy, University of Phoenix”

  Michael Bolton is coming to town. I’m sure I didn’t ask him to do that.

  If you get hurt in front of me, I’ll probably laugh at you like I’m an audience member on America’s Funniest Home Videos.

  I bet the first rule of the Make-A-Wish Foundation is “You can’t wish for more wishes.”

  I so want to go on Facebook and comment on everything in my news feed with the comment “Well, that’s a load of crap”.

  When I donate blood, I ask them to write “For Celebrity Use Only” on the bags.

  I wonder if Play-doh changed their recipe.  This new stuff is really salty.

  The best way to eat Skittles is to pour them all out and sort them into rows by color. Then, throw them in the trash and eat a Snickers instead.

  When cow tipping, remember that 20% is standard but if the cow goes over easy, consider leaving 25%.

  I wonder which pouch on Batman’s utility belt held his tampons

  Men call women crazy yet we stick our dicks in their mouth.  To be fair, if women weren’t crazy they would never get involved with men.

  Native Americans really want to change “Redskins.” Can’t we do what we did before? Give them season tickets for the worst seats in the stadium?

  I was thinking of signing up for a new dating website but then I farted while my cats were licking cheese off my shirt.

  Congress is making it impossible to keep my New Year’s resolution of getting my body fat percentage below the approval rating of Congress.

  The best way to perform oral sex is to spell out the ingredients you want her to put in the sandwich she’ll make you after you’re done having sex.  But my signature sex move is having a toe cramp and falling off the bed and whimpering on the floor.

  Whenever someone tells me they’re going on vacation I always tell them to have fun just in case they hadn’t considered that option.

  Eating an entire tube of cookie dough doesn’t sound as pathetic if I call it “Tollhouse tartare.”

  My girlfriend said we should spice up things in the bedroom.  Let’s just say putting cayenne pepper “there” was a good idea.

  When nothing goes right, go left

  If only closed minds came with closed mouths

  I don’t judge people by the color of their skin but by the color of their teeth.

  Why haven’t they hired the Spice Girls to do commercials for Old Spice?

  Don’t be surprised if you take my advice and it goes horribly wrong. Do I look like a genius guidance counselor?

  I don’t think I’m going to go to Thanksgiving dinner with my family.  I have a busy schedule of watching my cats gnaw on the fur between their claws.

  Kanye West spoke at Harvard, just in case you were wondering about the direction of the country.

  I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.

  If you’ve ever seen a woman masturbate it makes me think that it’s odd they’re not better at video games.

  If women ran the world, there’d still be wars.  You would just never know why you were at war.

  I can’t wait to meet the woman of my dreams but then I’d be afraid to take her out in public given all the things she does to me in my dreams.

  I wish my parents would’ve named me Busy so when people ask me my name I could say “I’m Busy” and then they’d leave me alone.

  There’s more to life than Xanga but most of us don’t know what that is.

  A person once said, “When I grow up, I want to be popular on Xanga.”  It’s impossible to do both.

  Google+ is the gym membership of the internet…everyone joins but no one uses it.

  I usually run drug tests and background checks before I accept friend requests on Xanga.  I don’t want anyone who is normal and well-adjusted clogging up my inbox.

  Every time someone recommends this post I think it’s their way of hugging me and telling me everything will be alright.

  I was tempted to repost everything I had written last week just to make sure you were paying attention.

  • 12:05 AM
  • 10 Comments