So how are you doing this evening?  Really, that's nice.  Let's cut the chit-chat and get to mocking celebrities.  You know, it's getting harder to mock these people.  I blame Tiger Woods and Jesse James.  It seems like ever since those douche bags had their dirty laundry put out on the proverbial clothes line, all the other people in Hollywood have started to behave.

Robert Downey  Jr. is in talks to star in a prequel to a classic movie.  Which movie?  The Wizard of OZ.  WTF!  How can they touch that movie?  I don't care who they get to be in it, there is no way that movie needs a prequel or a sequel.  Whoever had the bright idea to greenlight this needs a swift kick to the junk.  OK now that I am settled down...the only way they can make this movie is if they cast Gary Coleman and Snooki as Munchkins preferably those of the Lollipop Guild.

See, Snooki, on the left, is perfect to be a Munchkin.  Either that or Jersey Shore co-star, JWoww, is a giant, which I highly doubt.  Given what my pulse said earlier this evening I would make some off-color comment about Snooki being part of the Lollipop Guild or something with pickles but I am trying to behave.

I really am ripping on Snooki.  I mock the ones I love find unbearable.  Here we see her celebrating just another Thursday afternoon.

You know what Vanessa Hudgens is saying to Zac Efron while they sat at Coachella?  "Zac, I told yo not to act like that in public.  Remember last week what happened with the unicorns?  Did you take your testosterone pills?  Why don't you go pick a fight with a guy?"  Oh wait she didn't say it; she texted.  Zac just enjoys blowing Bubbles and bubbles.  Yes, Bubbles is the name of his bodyguard.

I am a man of my word so here is Ryan Phillippe.

Ricky martin has offered to write a book about his life in the closet.  He is suggesting $20million for the story.  That can't be true.  It would make more sense if they took out the million and left it at $20.  Oh and just a heads up, there is supposedly a major press conference scheduled for May 5th and a major celebrity is going to announce that he or she is gay.  I am split as to whom to put my money on...Anderson Cooper or Queen Latifah?

You know, I love being one of Lindsay Lohan's followers over on the Twitter.  Her tweets, as the kids call them, are like crackhead-ese writing all over a subway station.  I picture her stumbling around trying to type the keys and being tempted to do a line of coke.  It's horrible and you know what?  Those tweets are going into the Library of Congress.  What an advanced civilization are we!  Oh as for being spit on...Lindsay, they were just trying to give you a bath.

Lindsay is in a sad state of affairs.  She owes a major credit card company $600,000, and they didn't cancel her card until last week.  I wonder what her credit score is.  This is why our country is in the economic condition that it is in and why North Korea has a better economy.  Lindsay, you need to check out FreeCreditReport.com but of course you need to have a credit card to know your score.

Lady Gaga claims she is disgusted with her body and wants to undergo a Heidi Montag amount of surgery.  You know, Lady Gaga, the first thing you need to do if you have all that surgery is have your penis removed.  And if you wanted to save money why not convert to Islam and wear a burqa so that way no one has to see your "hideous" body.

Is that Edward Furlong?  He is looking pretty healthy and buff.  What?  That isn't Edward Furlong?  That's Kristen Stewart?  I don't believe you.  She is smiling.  Kristen is completely unable to show emotion.  Well that is the most emotion I have ever seen her display.  In other Kristen Stewart news, she is in negotiations to star in the movie Wanted 2.  Her character will replace Angelina Jolie.  I don't believe it.  There is no way she could play an assassin.  Before she would shoot, she would have to use Visine on her eyes and lips.

Kim Kardashian thinks she knows how to handle a pussy.  PETA is extremely upset because they say that Kim is harming the cat.  Kim is saying that the cat didn't cray out in pain and that she was simply holding it by the scruff.  You know what upsets me?  The cat didn't scratch her all to hell when given the opportunity.  Such a let down.

Why yes, Kelly Ripa, it's real and it's all me.  Would you like to help me market my own Five Dollar Foot Long deal?

Katy Perry attended Coachella this week and, quite frankly, I think she overdressed.  In case you didn't know Coachella is one of these music festivals and since it is in California there are plenty of celebrities that attend.  You can't throw a rock and not expect to hit someone famous, which is good because most celebrities you want to hit with rocks, but not Katy.  If you hit her with a rock, I'd fear it would bounce back and hit you.

Kal Penn was robbed in Washington D.C. this week on 4/20.  He claims that his cell phone and other "personal" items were stolen.  He's a huge pothead.  He was Kumar in the excellent "Harold and Kumar" films.  He gave up Hollywood to join the Obama administration but he quit.  Seems like the only thing that Hippie lettuce user can quit.  Oh well, the investigation is now in the hands of the Secret Service.  All Penn has said was, "TGIF...Thank God for Inventing Funyuns."

John Waters turned 64 this week.  God bless his smutty soul.  Someone on Xanga(I can't remember who) asked for some good movies.  If you want good movies, run away from any of Waters' offerings unless it happens to be Hairspray(the original) or the one with Johnny Depp, Cry Baby.

Does anyone else get the message that Jessica Alba is sending in this photo or is it just me?  I am totally getting this "I want to straddle some hard wood" from this photo. 

Heather Locklear was arrested for hit and run this week.  She got angry at a stop sign so she ran it over and then fled the scene.  She is already on probation for DUI.  In her defense, maybe that stop sign gave her some attitude or tried to steal her man.  Didn't I see her do that on Melrose Place?

Courtney Love is dead.  Shocked?  Well I for one am shocked that she is still alive.  Actually she isn't physically dead but her name is.  She wants to change her name to Courtney Michelle.  Michelle is her given middle name.  I don't know why but the name Courtney Michelle doesn't set right with me.  It sounds like the screen name of an adult entertainer or some lady who lives in a trailer park and sells Mary Kay and names her children after the seasons or holidays.

Two chicks kissing...hot, right?  That is AnnaLynne McCord in the yellow and in the high rising black bikini is...HER SISTER.  So two chicks kissing...still hot?  THEY'RE SISTERS!  I find that gross.

DON'T EVEN THINK IT!  Betty White is a national treasure.  She was at Pink's hot dogs to promote her new hot dog.  It's a naked because it is just the hot dog and bun.  When Betty first grabbed the wiener she said, "That's obscene."  I am looking forward to Betty hosting Saturday Night Live.  I didn't know she stayed up that late.  Oh and with the photo...let the photoshop contest begin!

In sad news, Bret Michaels was rushed to the hospital this afternoon after suffering from an apparent brain aneurysm.  He is in stable but critical condition.  The doctors are keeping him under observation because the doctors say that there is a 20-30% chance of another bleed and recurrent bleeds have a 70% mortality rate.  See, I paid attention to ER.  He is conscious and talking which is a good sign.  This poor guy, just a couple weeks ago he was rushed to the ER for an appendectomy.  Let's send Brett some happy thoughts.  And to think, this week I was playing "Every Rose has it's Thorn" because if you're white and play guitar you have to play that song.

Britney Spears' father is livid that his daughter continues to appear in public like this...bra-less.  He had employed people just to make sure she was wearing a bra before she left the house but they are obviously not doing their job.  Who cares?  Just because mammals of all sizes are fixated on her nipples, doesn't mean us perverts have to suffer.  You know what would help her from having her nipples stick out under her shirt?  She shouldn't wear the shirt.  No one would care.  Remember my advice for having the perfect body for the beach?  Don't worry about having to lose so many pounds to fit into that bikini, just go topless.  No one will mind the extra weight.

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As a Christian, this offends me deeply, but it is nowhere near as sleazy as something my cousins did...which reminds me, I need to write about them.

I hope everyone has a great weekend.