April 10, 2010

• Celebrity Round Up 4/10/10

  OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG....I am shaking with anticipation of doing one of these entries again.  I am so happy my fingers are turning blue...trust me you don't want to know.  Well enough with the chit-chat, here we go.

  
  It's great to see that Vanilla Ice is still living off his ONE song that was released 20 years ago.  Way to milk that cow!
  
  Something for the ladies.  Taylor Kitsch turned 29 this week.  I find that so hard to believe since for the last 3 seasons he has played high school football star Tim Riggins on what may be arguably the best show on all of television, Friday Night Lights.  Seriously, though, who are they fooling?
  
  OK this sold me on Jersey Shore.  SNOOKIE...and that rhymes with what?  They were saying that she gets excess of $10,000 for appearances at night clubs and that Lindsay Lohan has only been receiving $5000.  The huge factor is not just Snookie's backside but also the fact that she has had more jobs (1) in the past year than Lindsay.  I guess you also have to look at their body of work and this is prime example of why I would pay Snookie.  Of course give a few years, she'll probably be selling that body. 
  
  OK be honest now, besides that stunning dress, what else has Kim Kardashian contributed to society that warrants autographs to be signed?  I could see signing autographs at an adult video expo but not just random on the street autographs.  I do have to give her props.  It appears she is signing in pen rather than her usual crayons. 
  
  BAM!  I missed my spring tournament this year and with this photo and the last two I have an idea for a new tournament.  Serena Williams is blah blah blah...HOT!
  
  Guess the ass!  She once kissed a girl and thought it was OK.  It's Katy Perry and yes, I think I am going to one of these days, once I get caught up, start a new tournament featuring the best asses in show business.  Don't worry ladies, I've already thought ahead and will have a male bracket.
  
  Pam Anderson celebrated not being voted off Dancing with the Stars by getting drunk.  Either she puked on herself or she sprung a leak.  I wouldn't put it past her to spring a leak since she hangs out with so many pricks.
  
  OK so I have been gone for a long time and didn't really follow celebrity news other than what the national news shoved down my throat.  When did the Olsen twins turn into 70 year old, cat lady, shut-ins?  Or did I miss something on Project Runway and they snuck in that recluse is the new chic?
  
  Poor Nicolas Cage.  This week he lost his house.  It was valued at $18million and the minimum bid at the auction was $10million.  No one wanted to buy it so now he has been foreclosed.  It also appears that his hair is foreclosing on him.  Does he use a garden hose that sprays nothing but hydrogen peroxide when he showers?  I get it.  He's trying to get movie work.  The only role he looks like he could take on at the moment is The Crypt Keeper.
  
  Do you hate your life?  Well don't read this.  I'm serious go to the next story.  OK, Miley Cyrus bought her own house this week.  The 17 year old paid $3million for this pad that is about a block away from her parent's house.  $3million...as I count all the change in my piggy bank so I can afford a gallon of gas.
  
  Kirstie Alley should be the new spokesperson for Scientology or Weight Watchers:  "Scientology helps you lose your insanities. One of the keys is to say, 'You're in charge of your life, buster. You're responsible for any condition you're in.' I've been irresponsible many, many, many times and that has resulted in me being fat."  The thing is, Scientology hasn't helped her...wait...it has helped her sound more insane, buster.  Any religion that in their manifesto says "buster" can't be called a religion or be taken seriously.
  
  I've been gone a long time so I have to ask, when did Katie Holmes go homeless?  Maybe she busted out of the loony bin that is Scientology.  Dear Xenu, I hope that is the case.
  
  I saw the new cover of People magazine in the grocery store today and I thought Justin Bieber wants to eat my soul.  Would you look at the choppers on that kid!  Are his parents Hilary Swank and a horse?  Stupid kid, he chose the wrong side with which to be compared with a horse.
  
  Jesse James has elephantitis of the testicles.  The nerve of this guy.  It came out today that while his wife Sandra Bullock was out working to put food on their table, he was in Ohio, charging call girl services to her credit card.  The only thing this guy could do that would be more reprehensible is if he went to Sandra's mother's grave, stole the flowers and gave them to a hooker.
  
  Ice-T went to Twitter war after Aimee Mann tweeted.  I love Ice-T's comment though.  It reminds me of a time driving with a certain Croat after he urinated out the passenger window of my car.  He seemed to scream that phrase at two teenagers as they were walking down the street.  Believe it or not, the incident was entirely fueled by alcohol.  Too bad Aimee wrote an apology on her Twitter later.  I was kind of hoping it would escalate so we could see Ice-T sic Coco on Aimee....mmm Coco.
  
  Why must Holly Madison act like everything she eats is splooge?
  
  Here's Hayden Panettiere with her boyfriend Vladimir Klitschko.  Honestly, after dating him for three months, I'm shocked she is able to walk.  That dude is a giant.
  
  The guy is Gary Dourdan.  He is on CSI.  He was investigated this week for a domestic disturbance.  One of his neighbors heard Gary's girlfriend screaming and so the neighbor calls the police thinking Gary was beating her.  The violent screaming continued until the police arrived.  Turns out, Gary and his girlfriend were having sex and that the girlfriend like to be vocal.  Sometime I am going to have to use that excuse but it would be sort of difficult when there isn't anyone else here.
  
  Now presenting...THE KING OF CRAZY, GARY BUSEY!  This guy is covering all bases by paying tribute to Hilter, Sitting Bull, and Groucho Marx.  I look at Gary's teeth and can't help but think that he is a size queen dentist's wet dream.  Maybe he's Justin Bieber's father.  I doubt it because the other night Gary and I were sitting in the bar and he comes up to me and says, "I wish vaginas had something like used cars.  You know that thing they advertise called Car Fax?" (Gary holds up an imaginary piece of paper) "According this ma'am it says you've been rear ended."  He then went out and wrote on Nic Nolte's JEEP.   What did he write?  Jacking-off Everyone's Erect Penis.  Gary is quite a character.
  
  This is the epitome of what money can get you in Hollywood.  David Spade probably should watch out.  That Megan Fox clone probably would steal his wallet and put a "Kick Me" sign on his back while giving him head but she would never ask about finishing in her mouth.  That's what money can buy.
  
  We have a late entry for the 2010 Ass-Off.  Here is a shot Adrienne Curry posted on Twitter.  She is really good at Twitter.
  
  Britney Spears' manager posted this on her Twitter page.  I wonder if there is a coincidence that it was posted on April Fools Day.
  
  Who am I kidding?  Look at the hot mess that is Britney Spears.  Holly Madison could learn a thing or two from you.  Britney, you know what drives me crazy but that's because you are half crazy yourself.
  
  Speaking of sexy and crazy (would that be crexy?).  Is there nothing Olivia Munn does that is not considered sexy?  You know these shots are sort of strange but that is why I totally dig her.
  
  Hmmm...I totally get what this is supposed to be.  Too bad she's wearing more clothes than in the Bible story.  Oh well, like the snake, I'd totally eat her.

  Videos
  It's rumored that Elizabeth Taylor is getting married again.  I guess that means the ninth time is the charm.  The dude she is marrying is 49 years old to her 78.  The groom is a talent manager for Janet Jackson.  I can't make any jokes so I yield the floor to Joel McHale.
  
  I hope you all have a great weekend.

  • 6:29 PM
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