Wow, it's back people.  I hope you don't forget to watch the video in my last post, Colonel Angus.  Sorry non-residents of the United States, you'll have to pretend.
 
1.  Because today is Tax Day, I thought we may want to learn from Tea Party Jesus.  Such wisdom, contrary to what he taught, oh well.

2.  I've mentioned this before but there was a store of an adult nature that I laughed at every time I drove through Madison.  It was right off the Interstate and was the exit I took to go to the airport as well as the majority of the music clubs that I attended.  Anyway there were two things that I always chuckled about.  First, the store advertised that in addition to selling adult novelties such as porn and sex toys they were also a bakery but when I went I didn't see any cakes.  And second, the place had a semi-trailer outside originally with a tarp hanging on the trailer that said "Home of the Beer Lube".  Sadly that store burned down.  The AV Club section of The Onion had an article entitled "An ode to the Home of the Beer Lube".  It was touching.  Much to my surprise an adult novelty store opened near the casino and they now claim to be the "Home of the Beer Lube".  In case you want to know, here's the Beer Lube.

3.  The commercials we have in America are crap compared to this one.

4.  Slash recently appeared on the Jay Leno show and to show his support of Conan O'Brien, Slash had a pin of "Team Coco" on his coat.  NBC tried to edit it out.  A black dot will not make Coco disappear!

5.  Is this a great photo or a great caption?  I wish I could be that funny.

6.  I don't know if this is a great selling point for the Ford Focus.

7.  You know I always thought nerds were supposed to be great engineers and could design better costumes than this.

8.  Have you ever wondered what the world would be like if the word "fuck" was more visible?  Well...here you go.

9.  Are you torn with the issue of masturbation?  Well here are the dos and don'ts of masturbation from movies. 

10.  And because I have a thing for half-naked women and because the baseball season is upon us, here are 25 sexy baseball fans.  Where is the love for my Brew Crew?

I hope everyone has a great night.

I was watching this Saturday Night Live in the 2000s or some oddly titled show in lieu of what has to be the greatest concept for a program in the history of television, The Marriage Ref.  They just had a bit of a skit about a Confederate solider named Colonel Angus.  OMG!  I am in tears.

Oh to be headed to the deep south so that I might enjoy some time with Colonel Angus.

Nobody over at facebook enjoyed my money making scheme.  Pearls unto swine, I tell you.

Behold...THE SOLO-BOAT!  Scientists want photographic evidence of the solo-boat so ladies if you or anyone you know can solo-boat, send me your photos and I will make sure they at some point make it to the hands of a scientist.

And that is why I have a PC.

BEST!  COMMENT!  EVER!

This is the real reason why the other reindeer wouldn't let Rudolph join in any of the reindeer games.

So like us...

PANTY RAID!

But...I...must!

Hey look, kids, it's Curious George with his pal Bi-Curious Jorge.

Hello Alcohol

I wonder if that job reimburses all Taco Bell runs and if the health care covers cotton mouth.

Sam Ronson's new girlfriend is head over heels in love with her and she's boots above Lindsay.

Brings new meaning to the basketball term, "Setting the pick".

Ugh...it's bedtime.  I find myself lost in thought because right now it is unfamiliar territory.

Seriously...Jonathon Taylor Thomas took my order.  Oh how the mighty have fallen!  Remember how he left Home Improvement because he said he was too big for that show?  Yeah, his movie career turned out as good as David Caruso's.

Strange desire, I want to go sledding.

I was thinking about music from the 80s.  Do you think Mike and the Mechanics were ASE certified?  I can explain that one for you but I can't understand it for you.

Did you know the greatest cure for dandruff is baldness?

The true meaning of love is never winning at tennis.  Once again I can explain that one for you but I can't understand it for you.

Remember to relish today but ketchup tomorrow.

Someone asked me this week what my favorite love song is.  I replied that it is "Bitches Ain't Shit but Hoes and Tricks" by Dr. Dre.  They informed me that Ben Folds does a cover.  I said, "Listen, only the Dr. can operate.  Would you like a "cover" brain surgeon operating on you?" 

That last one was lame so here is this week's batch of motivation:

 

I have not yet begun to procrastinate.  Have a great...eh, I'll finish it later.

I did one of these a long time ago and I was somewhat curious if during my absence people forgot about me.  Here is a little quiz.

1.  How many high schools did I attend?
         a.  1
         b.  4
         c.  2 (Why?  Because the first school I attended closed and became a prison)
         d.  None...because I am that damn smart with my Mensa rated IQ

2.  Which sports did I play in high school?
         a.  Cross-country, boy's volleyball, golf
         b.  Soccer, basketball, long distance runner for track
         c.  Football, wrestling, baseball  (I do not have a runner's body and I ain't athletic so I do these)
         d.  Sports have no place in our modern society

3.  Which of these was NOT one of my nicknames?
       a.  Tiny  (Because I was tall and big and tiny in other departments)
       b.  Tank (During football I loved being able to run right through the line sort of like a tank goes through a wall)
       c.  Mom 
       d.  Wurm (I think this came to me from the movie Friday and a guy just started calling me that)

4.  Which of these is my favorite high school memory?
      a.  A professor for the better half of a semester called me Lucas, the name of an African American student
      b.   During my supervised piano practice, the checker lady hit me with her cane because I wasn't practicing despite having a cast on my hand.
      c.  The night when we locked the dorm supervisor off our floor and turned the hallway into a giant slip and slide
      d.  Winning the Dairyland Conference title in football
      e.  Playing in a state championship football game despite losing 55-14
      f.  Living away from my parents during all four years of high school
      g.  "Borrowing" the former principal's keys and streaking through the school late at night much to the chagrin of some female teachers doing late night preparation
      h.  All of the above  (All of those happened and I loved every moment)
      i.  None of the above

5.  I have done extensive coaching in my life, which sport(s) have I NOT at one point coached:
     a.  Football
     b.  Weight lifting
     c.  Track
     d.  Softball
     e.  Baseball
     f.  Cross-country
     g.  Volleyball
     h.  Soccer  (Even though I don't have a runner's body I coached all of those.  I refused to have a soccer program until they removed a tree from the middle of the field.  They didn't so I never coached soccer.)
     i.  Basketball

6.  Where was I born?
    a.  Under a bad sign  (This is a freebie)
    b.  Down to the crossroads
    c.  at a hospital
    d.  The stork brought me

7.    Which of the following cars have I NOT owned?
     a.  Pontiac Bonneville
     b.  Chrysler Concorde
     c.  Chevy Blazer
     d.  Ford Reichswagen (I am very surprised Ford never rolled out the Reichswagen)

8.  True/False  I am related to a man who was arrested for being a Nazi.  (He was arrested in Denmark and tried in Germany but it was in 1995.  His name is Gary Lauk and his name in the Nazi movement is The Farmbelt Fueher.  He's a cousin and I am not taking pride.)

9.  True/False  During college I spent 7 semesters in a choir.  (You should have got this one if you ever went through my music blog)

10.  True/False   I fear birds.  (Ever since I was divebombed and shat on by a seagull at Sault St. Marie, I have feared birds)

11.  The hardest class I ever taught is:
       a.  5th grade math
       b.  3rd grade P.E.
       c.  9th grade English
       d.  10th grade religion  (There was a chapter on sex ed. from a Christian perspective.  "Mr. W., does a hand-job count as sex?  Mr. W., is S&M sinful?  Mr. W., are blow-jobs outside of marriage wrong?  Mr. W., did Jesus get boners?"

12.  My favorite U.S. president is:
       a.  George W. Bush
       b.  Barack Obama
       c.  Teddy Roosevelt
       d.  James K. Polk  (Napoleon of the Stump didn't take shit from anyone and when he accomplished all of his goals in four years therefore he didn't seek re-election plus They Might Be Giants do a wicked awesome song about him complete with saw solo.)

13.  True/False   I understand women.  (You could go either way on this one because there are aspects I do understand like the fact that I will never understand women)

14.  True/False  Leonard Part 6 is, in my opinion, Bill Cosby's greatest work. (If you disagreed and said Ghost Dad was his best work, well then I am going to jump through your screen and yell at you.)

15.  True/False   I have never had a car accident or speeding ticket.  (While I have never had a speeding ticket, I have had 5 car accidents, 4 of which involved deer.)

OK that should be interesting to see how people do.  Maybe if I have someone who passes I will post a photo of myself but that would mean I have to take one of myself.  I wonder if my clerical collar still fits.

I am happy to bring back this feature but I haven't really had a chance to dive into the world of mash-ups.  I have been catching up everywhere else but in the music world.  Oh well, it will happen.  I found some of the old websites that I haunted so within a week or two, I'll post some actual mp3s.  This week I'm going to post some videos from youtube.

A few weeks ago I caught a new show on the FX network.  It's called Justified and stars Timothy Olyphant.  It's about a U.S. marshal who is fast on the draw.  I really enjoy the show because it seems like it is a modern day Western plus it has Olyphant who was in one of my favorite shows, Deadwood, and the character he plays in Justified could be a great grandson of his Deadwood character.

The theme songs for Justified are unique.  It's hard to put a label on the music but it's a mash-up of styles.  It contains two forms of music that are uniquely American: rap and bluegrass.  Rench and TONEZ got together to form a band called Gangstagrass and here are two examples of their work:

Opening credits

End credits

This music...I love it.

The quality is poor but it is a great mash-up.

That's it for this week, next week will be better.

OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG....I am shaking with anticipation of doing one of these entries again.  I am so happy my fingers are turning blue...trust me you don't want to know.  Well enough with the chit-chat, here we go.

It's great to see that Vanilla Ice is still living off his ONE song that was released 20 years ago.  Way to milk that cow!

Something for the ladies.  Taylor Kitsch turned 29 this week.  I find that so hard to believe since for the last 3 seasons he has played high school football star Tim Riggins on what may be arguably the best show on all of television, Friday Night Lights.  Seriously, though, who are they fooling?

OK this sold me on Jersey Shore.  SNOOKIE...and that rhymes with what?  They were saying that she gets excess of $10,000 for appearances at night clubs and that Lindsay Lohan has only been receiving $5000.  The huge factor is not just Snookie's backside but also the fact that she has had more jobs (1) in the past year than Lindsay.  I guess you also have to look at their body of work and this is prime example of why I would pay Snookie.  Of course give a few years, she'll probably be selling that body. 

OK be honest now, besides that stunning dress, what else has Kim Kardashian contributed to society that warrants autographs to be signed?  I could see signing autographs at an adult video expo but not just random on the street autographs.  I do have to give her props.  It appears she is signing in pen rather than her usual crayons. 

BAM!  I missed my spring tournament this year and with this photo and the last two I have an idea for a new tournament.  Serena Williams is blah blah blah...HOT!

Guess the ass!  She once kissed a girl and thought it was OK.  It's Katy Perry and yes, I think I am going to one of these days, once I get caught up, start a new tournament featuring the best asses in show business.  Don't worry ladies, I've already thought ahead and will have a male bracket.

Pam Anderson celebrated not being voted off Dancing with the Stars by getting drunk.  Either she puked on herself or she sprung a leak.  I wouldn't put it past her to spring a leak since she hangs out with so many pricks.

OK so I have been gone for a long time and didn't really follow celebrity news other than what the national news shoved down my throat.  When did the Olsen twins turn into 70 year old, cat lady, shut-ins?  Or did I miss something on Project Runway and they snuck in that recluse is the new chic?

Poor Nicolas Cage.  This week he lost his house.  It was valued at $18million and the minimum bid at the auction was $10million.  No one wanted to buy it so now he has been foreclosed.  It also appears that his hair is foreclosing on him.  Does he use a garden hose that sprays nothing but hydrogen peroxide when he showers?  I get it.  He's trying to get movie work.  The only role he looks like he could take on at the moment is The Crypt Keeper.

Do you hate your life?  Well don't read this.  I'm serious go to the next story.  OK, Miley Cyrus bought her own house this week.  The 17 year old paid $3million for this pad that is about a block away from her parent's house.  $3million...as I count all the change in my piggy bank so I can afford a gallon of gas.

Kirstie Alley should be the new spokesperson for Scientology or Weight Watchers:  "Scientology helps you lose your insanities. One of the keys is to say, 'You're in charge of your life, buster. You're responsible for any condition you're in.' I've been irresponsible many, many, many times and that has resulted in me being fat."  The thing is, Scientology hasn't helped her...wait...it has helped her sound more insane, buster.  Any religion that in their manifesto says "buster" can't be called a religion or be taken seriously.

I've been gone a long time so I have to ask, when did Katie Holmes go homeless?  Maybe she busted out of the loony bin that is Scientology.  Dear Xenu, I hope that is the case.

I saw the new cover of People magazine in the grocery store today and I thought Justin Bieber wants to eat my soul.  Would you look at the choppers on that kid!  Are his parents Hilary Swank and a horse?  Stupid kid, he chose the wrong side with which to be compared with a horse.

Jesse James has elephantitis of the testicles.  The nerve of this guy.  It came out today that while his wife Sandra Bullock was out working to put food on their table, he was in Ohio, charging call girl services to her credit card.  The only thing this guy could do that would be more reprehensible is if he went to Sandra's mother's grave, stole the flowers and gave them to a hooker.

Ice-T went to Twitter war after Aimee Mann tweeted.  I love Ice-T's comment though.  It reminds me of a time driving with a certain Croat after he urinated out the passenger window of my car.  He seemed to scream that phrase at two teenagers as they were walking down the street.  Believe it or not, the incident was entirely fueled by alcohol.  Too bad Aimee wrote an apology on her Twitter later.  I was kind of hoping it would escalate so we could see Ice-T sic Coco on Aimee....mmm Coco.

Why must Holly Madison act like everything she eats is splooge?

Here's Hayden Panettiere with her boyfriend Vladimir Klitschko.  Honestly, after dating him for three months, I'm shocked she is able to walk.  That dude is a giant.

The guy is Gary Dourdan.  He is on CSI.  He was investigated this week for a domestic disturbance.  One of his neighbors heard Gary's girlfriend screaming and so the neighbor calls the police thinking Gary was beating her.  The violent screaming continued until the police arrived.  Turns out, Gary and his girlfriend were having sex and that the girlfriend like to be vocal.  Sometime I am going to have to use that excuse but it would be sort of difficult when there isn't anyone else here.

Now presenting...THE KING OF CRAZY, GARY BUSEY!  This guy is covering all bases by paying tribute to Hilter, Sitting Bull, and Groucho Marx.  I look at Gary's teeth and can't help but think that he is a size queen dentist's wet dream.  Maybe he's Justin Bieber's father.  I doubt it because the other night Gary and I were sitting in the bar and he comes up to me and says, "I wish vaginas had something like used cars.  You know that thing they advertise called Car Fax?" (Gary holds up an imaginary piece of paper) "According this ma'am it says you've been rear ended."  He then went out and wrote on Nic Nolte's JEEP.   What did he write?  Jacking-off Everyone's Erect Penis.  Gary is quite a character.

This is the epitome of what money can get you in Hollywood.  David Spade probably should watch out.  That Megan Fox clone probably would steal his wallet and put a "Kick Me" sign on his back while giving him head but she would never ask about finishing in her mouth.  That's what money can buy.

We have a late entry for the 2010 Ass-Off.  Here is a shot Adrienne Curry posted on Twitter.  She is really good at Twitter.

Britney Spears' manager posted this on her Twitter page.  I wonder if there is a coincidence that it was posted on April Fools Day.

Who am I kidding?  Look at the hot mess that is Britney Spears.  Holly Madison could learn a thing or two from you.  Britney, you know what drives me crazy but that's because you are half crazy yourself.

Speaking of sexy and crazy (would that be crexy?).  Is there nothing Olivia Munn does that is not considered sexy?  You know these shots are sort of strange but that is why I totally dig her.

Hmmm...I totally get what this is supposed to be.  Too bad she's wearing more clothes than in the Bible story.  Oh well, like the snake, I'd totally eat her.

Videos
It's rumored that Elizabeth Taylor is getting married again.  I guess that means the ninth time is the charm.  The dude she is marrying is 49 years old to her 78.  The groom is a talent manager for Janet Jackson.  I can't make any jokes so I yield the floor to Joel McHale.

I hope you all have a great weekend.

So I was flipping through the news the other night and came across a local news report of a nearby county.  The district attorney sent out a letter to all the schools with in the county saying that if they plan on teaching the newly adopted standards for sex education classes then he will prosecute them and if convicted they could face up to 6 months in jail.  I thought to myself that this story would hit the national news.  Sure enough it did.  The D.A. was on Anderson Cooper last night.

The funny thing is...I have taught in most of the schools he is threatening.  Oh and here is an article about a sex ed teacher within that county that says abstinence only education doesn't work. 

In all of this, I learned something.  When I was a "kid", I broke the law.

It seems like eons ago since I did one of these updates.  In my archives it said 2008.  I had done posts like this even earlier but that was back when I had no Xanga friends. How things have changed!  Well I dug around a few of those old posts and I am going to share some of those tattoos with my witty repartee.  If you have tattoos, don't think that I hate you because of your artwork.  I don't mind tattoos.  I just hate the ridiculous ones.  Also, there may be a bit of envy in my posting about tattoos seeing as I am allergic to the ink that is used.  Well here goes:

It was bound to happen.  I wish I knew the blogger that got this one done and ask if they still blog.  OK so it isn't terrible.  I just find it funny to get a website tattooed on your body.  If I wasn't allergic, I'd probably get an Ichabod, the Glory has Departed tattoo.

"Say Anything" about how crappy this tattoo is.

If this was the actual world, I'd hate to be living in Africa after a big chili dinner.

Wow, your ass has it's own bouncer.  Must be a lot of unruly customers on the weekends. 

This tattoo is the epitome of crap.

This guy's tattoo is quite popular at the military checkpoints in Iraq.

This tattoo brings new meaning to the phrase, "thumbing a ride".

Snakes on a plane on a douche bag.  So I still haven't seen that movie and I refuse to see it just simply because it seemed to be pure crap and from what every person who believed the hype has said it sucks.

Remember the old logo of the New England Patriots?  Well neither did the tattoo artist.

Two words:  BAD ASS!!!!  Whoa, Patton Oswalt made a guest appearance on my blog.

I think these are the Veggie Tales I want to learn about.

I asked myself almost three years ago if I could one day find a Barack Obama tattoo on the internet and YES I CAN!

So having a Bible chapter tattooed for a tramp stamp is....I don't know.  I couldn't imagine reading the Bible while doing the deed.  At least 1st Corinthians 13 is about love...not the dirty kinky kind but it is about love.

I was thinking of including a song by the Rolling Stones preferably off their "Tattoo You" album but I won't.  Instead enjoy this:

I am putting finishing touches on some guest blogs and regular features so instead of one of those, it's time for strange photos I have found in one day of surfing the net.

And this will be one of the last times I mention Tiger Woods on my site.

Ever since that Snickers commercial, Betty White has been a hot commodity.  She really needs to stay inside.

Todd and Sarah Palin had one hell of a prom night.

Oh and if Todd ever divorces Sarah, this is what he gets in the settlement.

And while we are on the subject of the Palins...to answer Levi's spread in Playgirl, Bristol Palin took time to pose for Guns and Ammo.

Hey...it's Victoria's Seacreature.

This is a poster for a new movie called Romancing the Stouffers.

"Hold on!  I am checking out to see how many bids I have on eBay for that thing.  Sweet, I'm up to 5."

Oh....Peter.

Rosie O'Donnell and her new lover posed for the cover of Dog Fancy.  You have to guess which one is the dog.
Why did I look at my dad's myspace?

I found this one back before my computer died so I thought I would post it now....Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire....

Insane Clown Posse are back with a video that looks like every screen saver ever made.  Seriously, forget public schools having to have textbooks with intelligent design theories, they need to play this video for every science class.  Listen to these lyrics: Fucking rainbows after it rains/ there’s enough miracles here to blow your brains/ I fed a fish to a pelican at Frisco bay/ It tried to eat my cell phone, he ran away/ I see miracles all around me/ Stop and look around, it’s all astounding/ Water, fire, air and dirt/ Fucking magnets, how do they work?/ And I don’t wanna talk to a scientist/ Y’all motherfuckers lying, and getting me pissed

Damn I need a Faygo.
Have a great night and or day.