I think it's stupid when people say "quality over quantity" because they won't throw out wrinkly dollar bills.
My brain isn't working so it's time for links...
#1. When I corrected essays I always cringed when my students forcefully used a metaphor where one wasn't called for. Here is a collection of some horrible metaphors and analogies. The one that makes me LMAO is "Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like someone who can tell butter from I Can't Believe It's Not Butter."
#5. A movie with a great plot will suck you in so that you will watch it in its entirety. Well some movies suck you in with bullshit tearjerk moments. Here is a list of five of those bullshit moves. SPOILER ALERT: I just saw Marley and Me. When the dog died, I was half expecting him to jump out of the grave and torment his family because he's a bad dog...a bad dog...yes, a very very bad dog.
#6. On occasion I fall asleep watching a DVD and it will play through and then go to the title screen and play music on a loop. Well if that has never happened to you then check out this website to see what falling asleep in some movies would be like when you woke up.
#10. Years from now, when students are studying our society, they are going to classify these years as the second Renaissance of Mankind or as I purpose it should be called, The Bacon Renaissance. And this is why. Bacon+Star Wars=that tingly feeling I got in co-ed P.E. when we did a unit on swimming.
Lately, my daily commute has been hell yet rather rakish. Have a great night, I love you guys.
The Kentucky Derby is this Saturday and I am somewhat anxious. I will need to unload after all this training by possibly going to the casino's OTB, downing some mint juleps, and watching horses run. I lived on a horse farm for two years during high school and thought there was nothing special about those creatures. They just chewed grass and straw all day long but over the years I've come to appreciate horse racing. There is just something special about watching the ponies run. Hell, I can enjoy myself watching horse races without the mint juleps or gambling and for a while I had to at Canterbury.
One thing that has always amazed me about horse racing are the names of the horses. The owners like to get very creative with the names. There is quite a lengthy list of rules that The Jockey's Club has established. For instance horse names cannot be more than 18 characters long and they can't be named after living people unless permission is granted. Another rule is that the names can't be vulgar or obscene. I guess some owners didn't get that memo. Here is a list of some of my favorite horse names:
Bodacious Ta Ta's (that philly had a peculiar strut) Date More Minors (Can horses be pedophiles?) OHBEEGEEWHYEN (Must have had a practice when she wasn't racing) Wrecked Em (Has a proctology practice in the same building as OHBEEGEEWHYEN) Anita Cocktail (not to be confused with Anita Dick) Hardawn (I don't think that is possible when watching races) Golden Showers (From the 1940s so I am sure they didn't have such deviant acts back then) Girls On Top (the best way to ride) Ménage Á Trois (The horse, the jockey, and the whip...kinky) Rhythm Method (Sadly this horse didn't always perform the way it was intended to) Black Servant (A horse from the simpler yet incredibly racist times of the 20s.) The Cock (He placed 6th at the 1916 Derby probably because he had that something extra weighing him down) The Winner (Too bad he finished in last place) Our Dad (Apparently beastiality is alive and well in the horse racing community) Spineless Jellyfish (didn't make it out of the gates because it was scared) No Stinking Badges (We don't need No Stinking Badges to show) Acid Reflux (I hear they get her to run extra fast after they feed her Mexican food) Sexy Librarian (Who hasn't had that fantasy...WITH A HUMAN...WITH A HUMAN!) No Fat Chicks (But of course, it would slow her down) Sheikh'nnotstirred (Who knew James Bond was into horse racing) Sotally Tober (Why occiffer of course there's blood in my alcohol stream) Cunning Stunt (Whoever chose this name was a cunning linguist like myself...I hope you get that one, ladies ) Senior Discount (The sad thing about this horse is that it never finished a race because it always had to be at Denny's before 5PM to get the early bird special) Hoof Hearted (I'll let the video explain it and if you don't get it, say the name really fast) Cum Rocket (No comment is necessary)
Lookin' at Lucky is the favorite this year. I know where money will be going.
I love you guys...seriously, you all have been great.
Did you know the real reason why people through back the baseball after a home run? It started back in the 1890s. They had the national guard at the games and if a home run was hit and the ball not thrown back the guard opened fire on the spectators. See back then baseballs were expensive and human lives weren't.
I have so many foreign languages bubbling in my head that I am getting confused. When I read the phrase, "Please check out my Farmville," I translate it as "Please shoot me with your shotgun."
Did you know that Malcolm X's killer was just released from prison? When asked why he shot Malcolm X, Thomas Hagan replied, "He was an easy target because of the, you know, X."
A friend of mine was telling me that getting the wife to have sex with him was like pulling teeth. I asked if he had actually tried to pull her teeth.
Mother's Day is coming up. I am thinking of getting Mama Godfather of Green Bay a singing telegram. I'm going all out and am going to pay Glen Danzig to sing "Mother".
Women, why do you wear push-up bras when us men just want to pull down those bras?
OK I am not funny tonight...Motivation time:
I don't ask of much from you people unless you count putting up with the off-color jokes and all the nudity of my posts. But to borrow a page from a former Xanga-lebrity, if you are really my friend then you will comment on this post and recommend it. No, not my post, but the post in the link. It deserves to be atop the top blog list.
DO IT! Until you recommend that post I will be here furiously shaking my fist at you or at least until I go to bed which is soon.
I forgot to add something from my last pulse; it's a quote. "If there's one thing I learned in life it's ladies of taste and refinement prefer strip scrabble or chess over strip poker."- Ben Roethlisberger.
I was going through some of my old posts or should I say a Xangan was going through some of my old posts and commented on a post titled "Lonely" which consisted of a single phrase: I am as good with women as a palsy victim performing brain surgery with a monkey wrench.
Music time...
The past few days I have to come clean and say that I had nothing but ESPN on my TV. I am fascinated by the NFL draft. I have dreams that one time while watching, I will receive the phone call from the Pack but thus far it hasn't happened. I also love hearing the prognosticators talk about the chances of stardom a player will have. I remember one year the man with the best hair in sports, Mel Kiper Jr., called one player a medical reject. I don't think that he is in the NFL anymore. Why am I talking about the NFL draft? Well this mash-up involves a song that was used in the draft every time they went to and came back from commercials. I got so sick of it but now I am in love again. The song was "Empire State of Mind" by Jay-Z. I guess they had to use it because the draft takes place in New York although New York state only has 1 NFL team (I know you are scratching your head on that one.) OK so this mash-up combines "Empire State of Mind" with "Party in the USA" by Miley Cyrus.
Every time I look at a Thinspo page I think of The Carpenters for obvious reasons. This mash-up combines "We've Only Just Begun" by The Carpenters with "Wonderwall" by Oasis.
So this mash-up contains one of those songs that are so easily mashed. "Ice Ice Baby" still remains relevant all these years later. Vanilla Ice's opus "Ice Ice Baby" is mashed with the song "Tik Tok" by the artist Ke$ha, who wears a piece of her placenta in her necklace.
I keep hearing about Boob Quakes today. I think Laser Tits are more threatening to our society than Boob Quakes.
So how are you doing this evening? Really, that's nice. Let's cut the chit-chat and get to mocking celebrities. You know, it's getting harder to mock these people. I blame Tiger Woods and Jesse James. It seems like ever since those douche bags had their dirty laundry put out on the proverbial clothes line, all the other people in Hollywood have started to behave. Robert Downey Jr. is in talks to star in a prequel to a classic movie. Which movie? The Wizard of OZ. WTF! How can they touch that movie? I don't care who they get to be in it, there is no way that movie needs a prequel or a sequel. Whoever had the bright idea to greenlight this needs a swift kick to the junk. OK now that I am settled down...the only way they can make this movie is if they cast Gary Coleman and Snooki as Munchkins preferably those of the Lollipop Guild. See, Snooki, on the left, is perfect to be a Munchkin. Either that or Jersey Shore co-star, JWoww, is a giant, which I highly doubt. Given what my pulse said earlier this evening I would make some off-color comment about Snooki being part of the Lollipop Guild or something with pickles but I am trying to behave. I really am ripping on Snooki. I mock the ones I love find unbearable. Here we see her celebrating just another Thursday afternoon. You know what Vanessa Hudgens is saying to Zac Efron while they sat at Coachella? "Zac, I told yo not to act like that in public. Remember last week what happened with the unicorns? Did you take your testosterone pills? Why don't you go pick a fight with a guy?" Oh wait she didn't say it; she texted. Zac just enjoys blowing Bubbles and bubbles. Yes, Bubbles is the name of his bodyguard. I am a man of my word so here is Ryan Phillippe. Ricky martin has offered to write a book about his life in the closet. He is suggesting $20million for the story. That can't be true. It would make more sense if they took out the million and left it at $20. Oh and just a heads up, there is supposedly a major press conference scheduled for May 5th and a major celebrity is going to announce that he or she is gay. I am split as to whom to put my money on...Anderson Cooper or Queen Latifah? You know, I love being one of Lindsay Lohan's followers over on the Twitter. Her tweets, as the kids call them, are like crackhead-ese writing all over a subway station. I picture her stumbling around trying to type the keys and being tempted to do a line of coke. It's horrible and you know what? Those tweets are going into the Library of Congress. What an advanced civilization are we! Oh as for being spit on...Lindsay, they were just trying to give you a bath. Lindsay is in a sad state of affairs. She owes a major credit card company $600,000, and they didn't cancel her card until last week. I wonder what her credit score is. This is why our country is in the economic condition that it is in and why North Korea has a better economy. Lindsay, you need to check out FreeCreditReport.com but of course you need to have a credit card to know your score. Lady Gaga claims she is disgusted with her body and wants to undergo a Heidi Montag amount of surgery. You know, Lady Gaga, the first thing you need to do if you have all that surgery is have your penis removed. And if you wanted to save money why not convert to Islam and wear a burqa so that way no one has to see your "hideous" body. Is that Edward Furlong? He is looking pretty healthy and buff. What? That isn't Edward Furlong? That's Kristen Stewart? I don't believe you. She is smiling. Kristen is completely unable to show emotion. Well that is the most emotion I have ever seen her display. In other Kristen Stewart news, she is in negotiations to star in the movie Wanted 2. Her character will replace Angelina Jolie. I don't believe it. There is no way she could play an assassin. Before she would shoot, she would have to use Visine on her eyes and lips. Kim Kardashian thinks she knows how to handle a pussy. PETA is extremely upset because they say that Kim is harming the cat. Kim is saying that the cat didn't cray out in pain and that she was simply holding it by the scruff. You know what upsets me? The cat didn't scratch her all to hell when given the opportunity. Such a let down. Why yes, Kelly Ripa, it's real and it's all me. Would you like to help me market my own Five Dollar Foot Long deal? Katy Perry attended Coachella this week and, quite frankly, I think she overdressed. In case you didn't know Coachella is one of these music festivals and since it is in California there are plenty of celebrities that attend. You can't throw a rock and not expect to hit someone famous, which is good because most celebrities you want to hit with rocks, but not Katy. If you hit her with a rock, I'd fear it would bounce back and hit you. Kal Penn was robbed in Washington D.C. this week on 4/20. He claims that his cell phone and other "personal" items were stolen. He's a huge pothead. He was Kumar in the excellent "Harold and Kumar" films. He gave up Hollywood to join the Obama administration but he quit. Seems like the only thing that Hippie lettuce user can quit. Oh well, the investigation is now in the hands of the Secret Service. All Penn has said was, "TGIF...Thank God for Inventing Funyuns." John Waters turned 64 this week. God bless his smutty soul. Someone on Xanga(I can't remember who) asked for some good movies. If you want good movies, run away from any of Waters' offerings unless it happens to be Hairspray(the original) or the one with Johnny Depp, Cry Baby. Does anyone else get the message that Jessica Alba is sending in this photo or is it just me? I am totally getting this "I want to straddle some hard wood" from this photo. Heather Locklear was arrested for hit and run this week. She got angry at a stop sign so she ran it over and then fled the scene. She is already on probation for DUI. In her defense, maybe that stop sign gave her some attitude or tried to steal her man. Didn't I see her do that on Melrose Place? Courtney Love is dead. Shocked? Well I for one am shocked that she is still alive. Actually she isn't physically dead but her name is. She wants to change her name to Courtney Michelle. Michelle is her given middle name. I don't know why but the name Courtney Michelle doesn't set right with me. It sounds like the screen name of an adult entertainer or some lady who lives in a trailer park and sells Mary Kay and names her children after the seasons or holidays. Two chicks kissing...hot, right? That is AnnaLynne McCord in the yellow and in the high rising black bikini is...HER SISTER. So two chicks kissing...still hot? THEY'RE SISTERS! I find that gross. DON'T EVEN THINK IT! Betty White is a national treasure. She was at Pink's hot dogs to promote her new hot dog. It's a naked because it is just the hot dog and bun. When Betty first grabbed the wiener she said, "That's obscene." I am looking forward to Betty hosting Saturday Night Live. I didn't know she stayed up that late. Oh and with the photo...let the photoshop contest begin! In sad news, Bret Michaels was rushed to the hospital this afternoon after suffering from an apparent brain aneurysm. He is in stable but critical condition. The doctors are keeping him under observation because the doctors say that there is a 20-30% chance of another bleed and recurrent bleeds have a 70% mortality rate. See, I paid attention to ER. He is conscious and talking which is a good sign. This poor guy, just a couple weeks ago he was rushed to the ER for an appendectomy. Let's send Brett some happy thoughts. And to think, this week I was playing "Every Rose has it's Thorn" because if you're white and play guitar you have to play that song. Britney Spears' father is livid that his daughter continues to appear in public like this...bra-less. He had employed people just to make sure she was wearing a bra before she left the house but they are obviously not doing their job. Who cares? Just because mammals of all sizes are fixated on her nipples, doesn't mean us perverts have to suffer. You know what would help her from having her nipples stick out under her shirt? She shouldn't wear the shirt. No one would care. Remember my advice for having the perfect body for the beach? Don't worry about having to lose so many pounds to fit into that bikini, just go topless. No one will mind the extra weight.
Video Section As a Christian, this offends me deeply, but it is nowhere near as sleazy as something my cousins did...which reminds me, I need to write about them.
So I have been distracted this evening. The Office was new and was quite excellent. I want a photo cake of me sometime. Also I am listening to the NFL Draft. Did you know that when the Cincinnati Bengals and Dallas Cowboys draft players they immediately issue them a prison uniform and revoke their right to vote?
I am thinking of how I can market my own Five Dollar Foot Long.
#6. I regularly dump on the work of Tyler Perry although lately I have found myself strangely addicted to House of Payne. I started watching after Spike Lee accused Tyler Perry of promoting nothing but coonery and buffonery. Anyway here is a white guy's blog about what he learned from watching Tyler Perry movies.
#10.Sometimes I feel like I am being murdered to death when I read kids writing about Justin Bieber and they can't differentiate between "your" and "you're" yet they can spell "Bieber" correctly every time. That being said, I find this to be a gem from Fail Book.
Oh and be a pal and go check out my entry called "A Shocking Experience". You won't be as shocked to read it as I was.
I am so pissed at Comedy Central for their censorship of South Park. Why is it that every single religion in the world can get pissed and shit upon but Islam is off limits? Like Buddhists aren't threatening people with beheading because Buddha was shown to do lines of coke. I don't get it. But what I get is that I really am digging on these two songs.
Yesterday was one of those days where you just don't want to leave the comfort of your own bed. I had such strange experiences that I have never thought could happen in the span of one 24 hour period.
First off, I was driving on Friday and my service engine light came on and was on for about 5 minutes. Then on Wednesday morning it came on again. I figured I should get it checked out before I do any major damage to my car. See I have horrible luck with cars but most of my bad luck can be attributed to deer. I had just bought my second car and a week later I hit a deer and do a thousand dollars of damage. I hadn't even started payments. OK so I take the car to the co-op(look out, socialism) and have them run the diagnostic on it. I left and got the phone call that everything was fine. I could sense the guy on the other end of the line was holding back his laughter. He said that the reason the light came on is because my gas cap came loose. Yes, so all my fear was because I didn't properly fasten my gas cap after filling up. I felt like such a dolt but my moronic paranoia and the mechanic's sympathy got me a free oil change.
Then my dad calls me and says he has something for me to do. He presents me a file cabinet filled with all sorts of papers. He says, "Shred all of it." "Gee whiz, dad, how am I supposed to shred the cabinet?" "Don't be a smartass." I spent most of my afternoon shredding documents. Oh what joy! The bad part was that I was shredding so much that my shredder overheated and I would have to let it set for 15-20 minutes. At about 11PM I decided my shredding would be put off for another day. I had put the shredder in my den and hooked it up to an extension cord that ran behind my entertainment center. I really had that plug in there because I couldn't get it out. I was prying and prying and then a little bit of the prongs were showing...progress! Well on my next tug I hit the prong with my finger, it knocked me backwards to my ass and sent sparks flying. The sparks land on me and after inspection I see that it melted a spot on my shirt and then everything goes black. I didn't pass out but everything in my house went black. Me being electrocuted caused a fuse to blow. I lost power in half of my downstairs. I walked around trying to figure out if I was still alive. Once I figured that I was breathing, I looked in the mirror in my kitchen and saw all my hair standing on end. After the shock of the situation wore off I went and changed the fuse. Of course I couldn't go to bed because I assumed I cheated death. I did the pulse on Xanga and then watched some DVDs of Saturday Night Live.
I must have dozed off on my couch because the next thing I know it's 6AM and I hear one of my cats scratching my couch. I looked around and couldn't see her. It's no wonder I couldn't find her; she dug a hole into one of the arms of the couch and was crawling around inside. Once I got her out and the couch fixed I reckoned it would be a good day to take a day off. After eating my bagels for breakfast, I put on some Bob Seger and did my best Risky Business imitation and then I went for a drive and now I am back on Xanga.
That was the third time in my life that I have been electrocuted. The first I caught a falling lamp that had no lightbulb in it. Of course when I caught it, my finger went in the bulb socket and it knocked me to the floor and me drool. The second time was in high school when I was living on a horse farm. It was in the early winter and I was left on the farm to do all the chores. I was throwing hay bales for the horses and I was standing on water and ice. Well ice is not for footing while throwing 100lb hay bales and I slipped and landed on the electric fence. I landed on my chest and felt the jolt go out my feet. I got inside the house and looked at my chest and saw a nice red welt across it. The side effects of this shock have been interesting. Besides the melted shirt, I lost all the hair on my hands and my fingers and toes have burns on them. I think electrocution is something that is hereditary because one of my cousins got electrocuted. OR maybe stupidity is hereditary since his shock came from pissing on an electric fence. That was fun to witness though. It sent him flying back five feet and he lost bladder control.
I am beginning to think there is validity to all the studies that say men who are married live longer then men who are single. If I were married I would have made my wife unplug the shredder.
Did anyone else out there find it strange that on 4/20 people celebrate by killing a living thing and burning it? I'm just saying it was the anniversary of Hilter's birth. Oddly enough it's also Joey Lawrence's birthday thus making 4/20 the day when the most evil men in the world were born. Also is it strange that everyone is getting smoked on the anniversary of the Columbine shooting?
Hey, why don't you go ask Beavis, I got nothing but head.
TGIF! Thank God for Inventing Funyuns...it is 4/20 after all.
Did you know that the Planeteers kicked out the Asian girl and the South American kid to form the band Earth, Wind and Fire?
I have to start watching Glee after I watch the Brewers and Red Sox play because Glee makes me feel like more of a man.
OK I am out of nuttiness...motivation time:
Alright...that's it for this week. Time for bed. Xanga, each day you have progressively made me stay up later.
I forgot to do this post this morning and I am waiting until now to do it because I was watching WWE. Yes, the World Wrestling Entertainment show. The show tonight was interesting because half of the wrestlers are stuck in the British Isles because of the volcanic ash clouds. Then they have these guest hosts that promote movies or music or whatever they have coming out in the next day or two. Tonight's host was MacGruber. Yes, they are releasing a movie based on all the MacGruber skits from Saturday Night Live. I was laughing pretty hard at their antics. Strangely I want to see the movie. Anyway here are the mash-ups.
This one combines some "Da Funk" by Daft Punk with "Another One Bites the Dust" by Queen. I really like this one because it mixes so well that you can hardly tell that it is a different song that Freddie Mercury is singing over. Maybe I am just biased since I am a Daft Punk fan. I was so devoted to that group that I tried to buy one of their helmets or at least try to make one similar to it because $65,000 was a tad pricey for a helmet.
This mash-up features "My Humps" by Black Eyed and "Poker Face" by Lady Gaga. This one is really good too. I think I picked out some winners this week. Honestly this is probably the best featuring Black Eyed Peas and I would say the same about Lady Gaga but I enjoy the one I posted months ago that was a mash-up of LAdy Gaga's version of Poker Face along with Eric Cartman's and Christopher Walken's.
This one some people would consider an oldie. It features "Wild Thing" by Tone Loc and "Can't Get You Out of My Head" by Kylie Minogue. I wouldn't consider "Wild Thing" an oldie but I heard it on Madison's home of the oldies the other day while driving around Amish country. I felt so dirty listening to that with all the Amlets walking the side of the road.
OK here are two songs that aren't mash-ups but are great rap songs.
Blackalicious is a duo of Dj Chief Xcel and rapper Gift of Gab. I love what they can do. Gift of Gab certainly has that. It's not often that I come away from listening to this style of music having learned something but then what do you expect from indie hiphop. Too bad I couldn't find any Har Mar Superstar. I think next week I'll have to give you some Brother Ali and Atmosphere. Sadly, it was true. Coon Valley isn't that bad...I have so many Coon Valley party stories...for another day. Just like this post...good luck and good night.
A day late but not short. I ended up going out last night and enjoyed some Schlitz but it came back to haunt me, but I guess the haunting was good because it had me running quite a bit. Anyway on to the round up.
Taylor Swift is dead to me. She is reportedly dating John Mayer. You know he's slept with 90% of the women in Hollywood so if she swaps bodily fluids with him then she is snowballing with Jessica Simpson and Jennifer Aniston. Taylor, you better stock up on the Valtrex. Suri Cruise is 4 years old and she is still using a bottle. I have studied Scientology in depth and I haven't come across any belief that dentists are evil or tools of Xenu so this is ridiculous. Now, call me dumb in the ways of children drinking, but aren't bottles usually used in lieu of a breast? If I'm correct, how many people still breast feed their 4 year olds? Poor Suri. Steven Segal is a major league pervert. He hired a woman to be his assistant and when she arrived at his house on her first day, she found that he had two Russian female "attendants" who were on-call 24/7 to satisfy all his sexual needs. Then one of the attendants quit and Steven said the new girl would fill her role. The first day on the job the woman alleges that Steven kept trying to get his hand in her dress and when that didn't work he just fondled her on the outside. He then forced her to take illegal pills and then he assaulted her after saying that his wife didn't mind and would sometimes watch. You know, after this whole Ben Roethlisberger debacle, it's hard to know what to believe in cases like this. I would call BS on the accuser because this isn't 1992 and I'm surprised Segal would need an assistant. She may as well have claimed that after the assaults took place, Steven flew a UFO to the moon to be at his private residence...but then I look at Segal and...the dude is freaky. Here we see Snookie preparing for her life after Jersey Shore goes off the air. This week a photo spread of the Shrek characters in racy poses was released. OK so this was the one that I thought was the most risque. It figures that they had to sink to this level to promote the movie because this being the forth movie it would seem that the only way to get people to watch is to make it appear sexually charged. I forget what it is called but I think this photo might give us some clues...Shrek 4: Donkey Show. Tila Tequila appeared at a strip club to promote something or other...I think a new music album which features a song called "I Fucked the DJ". Who would? It's been a while but the last I heard of Tila's antics was when her girlfriend died and Tila claimed to be pregnant and then recently she claims to have had a miscarriage. I guess the strip club is helping her cope with the fake miscarriage from the fake pregnancy. Oh and I know a lot of you hate FOX News. Another reason to hate it was that Tila was a guest on one of their shows. Seriously...she's horrible. Just in case you disagree, downloading Norton Antivirus won't cure syphilis or HIV. More Tila...yeah, I don't know why I am posting these. Maybe it's because she is like a train that crashed on top of a car accident. The photo on the left...I wonder if she's promoting MTV's new show, Gaza Strip Shore. Those eyebrows could cut diamonds. Stay classy, Tila! Because you had to put up with Tila, here's some Ryan Phillippe for the ladies. Hey, Robert Blake, those jeans don't help your claims that you are not a murderer. WHO AM I KIDDING? I need me a pair of denim faux chaps. I would be so cool but not Robert Blake cool because I don't have a parrot and wasn't in Little Rascals. Speaking of Little Rascals, the kid that played Alfalfa in the 90s movie is all grown up and loves posting nude photos online. Sad news for Paris Hilton, she broke up with her boyfriend Doug Reinhardt and people claim this time it is for keeps. They are saying that because she went out and bought herself a new spray tanning machine. Take that Doug! I'm actually surprised that she wants to have darker skin since she is a racist. First it's a tanning machine and soon it will be Paris' traditional facial from the USC football team. Hmmm I wonder if she would consider online students in USC's masters programs...eww...I can't believe I thought that. Actually, I sort of see a correlation. Last year was the first year in a long time that Paris had a boyfriend and USC's football team had a sub-par season. Anyway...the Pacific states better stock up on Valtrex because with Paris being single, there's soon to be a shortage. I think Dancing with the Stars is taking its toll on Pam Anderson. How do you describe her fashion sense in that photo? I'd say it's Insane Clown Posse meets Lady Gaga meets a hooker on the street corner in Frogtown(section of St. Paul, MN notorious for prostitution or at least arrests) An upcoming biography about Oprah claims that for a brief period in time she banged John Tesch. The book claims that one night Tesch decided he couldn't take being in a relationship with her. He says he looked at her black skin curled up next to his white skin and then he got up and left. Way to hit it and quit, John! I don't know if this is true because if Tesch angered Oprah, would she, the fist of God, have smashed his head in? MMMMMMM....Olivia Munn has a great beaver. This week Mel Gibson broke up with his girlfriend and baby momma Oksana. She just proved to gold-diggers the world over that they don't need to get married to get that cash. Just pop out that baby and get the check. So what does this teach us: famous guy, guard your sperm or get snipped. Mario Lopez seems like such a great guy. He encouraged his new girlfriend to start a workout routine because he thought she was too fat. He also thought that she needed larger breasts so she got implants. He thought the workouts weren't working so he made her get liposuction. Once she went through all of that, then he allowed for them to be seen together so they could be photographed. I wonder why women aren't banging down his door to have the opportunity to date him. I wonder if Jessie Spano put up with that crap. Notice anything missing? This is the recent video game adaptation of Mean Girls, a movie starring Lindsay Lohan. No way is that game going to be better than the greatest video game based on a movie, E.T. for the Atari. Speaking of Lindsay not be somewhere where she should be...Lindsay was absent from court to give her deposition in the case of car theft where she allegedly stole an SUV to run down her assistant. Instead of giving a deposition, Lindsay was seen shopping at some upscale stores in Beverly Hills. It would have been better if she was spotted at a Dollar Tree trying on Dollar Tree clothing. If they wanted to get her to court they would've needed to leave a trail of cocaine and condoms and tell her that deposition meant analingus in German. Zombie chasers* get ready, Larry King is back on the market. That means he is getting his 8th divorce from his 7th wife. The numbers don't add up? He married one woman twice. His wife accuses him of cheating on her with one of her family members. That is proof that we are so medically advanced. Larry can pop a pill and take ol' One Eye to Tuna Town. I don't know why women wouldn't want to get with Larry. He's got money, he's got power, and he has some many stories from his life before the horseless carriage was invented. (*zombie chaser=woman who goes after really old men sort of like a chubby chaser goes after fat guys...do I have any readers who are chubby chasers because I could give you my number and we can talk) I never thought I would write these words in the same story: bikini, ribs, women. Kate Hudson was celebrating getting some breast augmentation by eating some ribs in the Miami sun. She should be careful. I hear Rosie O'Donnell has a residence in Miami and we know Rosie has a hell of a snout on her. She could sniff those ribs from a hundred miles away which is why whenever I fire up the grill I sprinkle cayenne pepper around my grill to prevent Rosie sightings. This is a still shot from Johnny Depp's new movie "The Tourist". And bondage aficionados rejoiced. Hey Joaquin Phoenix removed the bird's nest from his beard and then shaved it off. Despite losing the facial hair, he still has that tinkle of crazy in his eyes. I've been gone for a while so you may have to fill me in. When did Jessica Simpson lose her neck? Hmmm something about Heidi Montag looks different. Did she dye her hair? Actually this is her surgically enhanced body which she debuted this week. Those are 34F. She was at an A. And she's only 5'2". Honestly, I thought she looked better before all the surgeries and I am a hot blooded male and I just can't feel aroused by those. They are an abomination. God needed an interior decorator so he called Dixie Carter to heaven at the age of 70. Someone get the smelling salts, Anthony has fainted. Designing Women references for the win! Conan O'Brien will be starting his new talk show on....TBS? Wow! That is so...unexpected? How are they going to be able to fit his head along and George Lopez's head on the same network? I'm with team LoCo as long as Conan wears that outfit in his new show. In totally unrelated news, Jay Leno has started negotiations to have a talk show on TBS. Here's some Carrot Top for the ladies. He's showing off his sensitive side by holding the cute fluffy bunny. Why would a person named Carrot Top be holding a rabbit? Simple...rabbits like to eat carrots. Bar Refaeli posed with the guys from Jersey Shore. That is the epitome of of Hot Chicks with Douche Bags. Oh that is just way too suggestive for me to mock. Since California is on the verge of plummeting off a cliff, Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger was seen leaving California as fast as he can. Call me old fashioned but I think the Louisiana Trailer Park Flower looks much better in her natural state but I am thankful that they got rid of her camel toe. I don't know what it is but a real woman that hasn't been airbrushed is so appealing to me.
I was going to say "Fear the Deer" but they aren't looking to good against the Hawks. Oh well. I hope everyone enjoys their weekend.
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