From time to time I like to sit back and let others blog for me.  Over the past I have had guest bloggers cover the Israeli/Palestinian Conflict, The Economy, The Nobel Prize, Xanga Suicide, and The Times Square Bomb Scare.

I have decided that I don't have the proper words for the crisis in the Gulf of Mexico so I thought I would bring back one of the previous guest bloggers.  I do not endorse the words of my guest.

Legendary basketball coach, Bobby Knight

Alright, pussy, thanks for having me back.  It's a real honor to be on a shitty two bit blog like Xanga.  Do you even get paid for this shit?

Well as for this damn oil spill in the damn Gulf of Mexico...I am sick and goddamn tired of that bullshit.  You have Mary Jane Hairy Pits dancing around some damn tree crying about how it's going to destroy the environment.  Well it is.  This is some serious shit.  I tried throwing chairs at the stupid fucking oil spill but that shit didn't work.  I think we need to switch to a 2-3 zone.  All I know is that someone is about to get choked if I don't have any goddamn shrimp on my plate come Friday night at the Applebee's on Route 405.

Now I'm not going to sit around and do jack shit about this oil spill.  That's goddamn bullshit.  These farmers are out there busting their asses trying to put food on your table and the ruthless blood sucking pricks on Wall Street are jacking up the oil prices when the farmers have to go full court press on their fields and plant that food so you can stuff your fucking face.

And then if you don't get off your ass and play some defense think of all the jobs that will be lost.  Stupid fucking Digger Phelps and Reese Davis will cry like the little bitches they are if they lose their jobs so just think of all the fishermen on the Gulf Coast .  No more shrimp!  Yeah how would you like that?  You can't stuff your face with those tasty little creatures any more.  I know I love my shrimp and when Nancy and I head out to Applebee's we like to have a few shrimp before we go watch Pat lose.  That damn kid never listened to a single word I ever said but you better goddamn listen to me and get off your ass and do something to save Mother fucking Nature or I will make you run like you have never run before.

This fucking mess will never end.  They drop some concrete and shit on the oil and expect it to work but it doesn't.  I could've seen that one coming you fucking Einsteins.  So as a consolation the gas prices are falling.  Fuck you BP for pandering to me.  I'll fucking throw a chair at you, you sons of bitches.  The ocean is dead thanks to you fucks.  Never in all my years have I been as embarrassed as I am now.  And President Obama is just letting Tony Hayward catch that basketball and dunk his goddamn oil all over the beautiful Gulf of Mexico.  Where is the fucking defense?  No one is fucking challenging him and if no one steps up their game I'm going to make all of you run until you fucking suffer which is much.  My Nancy is suffering without her shrimp and when my Nancy suffers, you better damn well believe you're going to suffer.

Now here's our game plan:

Now does everybody got this?  If I have to see more of that beautiful gulf coast destroyed and if Nancy loses anymore damn shrimp, I won't stand for it and I won't let you put me in that position.  Now get off your asses, get out there, and clean that shit up.  I am sick and goddamn tired of having my earth destroyed by this fucking oil spill.  I'm almost as fed up with this oil spill as I am losing to Purdue.  If you don't do shit with this spill, you will pay like you won't believe.  Come Monday I'll have you running so many laps you are going to be begging me to let you drink from the waters of the oil spill.  I know everyone hears this but few of you are listening.  The last person who didn't listen to me got my fucking wingtip so far up their ass they could taste the shoe polish.

And if you don't like this, tough shit, I ain't going to apologize for anything I say in the land of freedom of speech.  I'm just thankful that this didn't happen in Arizona because only white people would be able to help with the clean up.

Now, I'm tired of this shit.  I'm not here to fuck around.  Let's clean up this mess.

(Ok thank you, Coach.  I am sure this post will get me kicked off Xanga.  I really should get him to apologize.)
Like I said you fat fuck I will never apologize for anything I said in the land of freedom of speech.  People need to hear language like this so the can become mentally tough.  Mental toughness is to physical as four is to one.  So, Godfather, go get me my sweater.

I have come to the conclusion that when I get sunburn I get a head cold.  This evening I decided to go to the bar after being out in the sun all day.  I felt so hot but the Schlitz was ice cold and then the congestion hit me.  I feel horrible and the heat is just radiating from my arms.  I did score a couple t-shirts for my goddaughter so all is well.  But what is not well...some of these photos.  Images may not be safe for work or for life...NSFW...NSFL

Venus Williams debuted a new tennis outfit at the French Open this week and sweet lord I'm so happy I need a book.  I bet those ass cheeks could crush tennis balls.

Tila Tequila is signed to be on the next edition of Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew.  There are varying reports about her addiction.  One says it is Ecstasy and another says it is Ambien.  She should get help with her Twitter addiction and her addiction to being an attention whore.  Right now the producers of Celebrity Rehab are having trouble find other patients.  That is a good thing.  Someone could tell her that filming is at the volcanoes in Iceland and the camera crew will be waiting for her inside the bottom of the volcano.

Stevie Nicks turned 62 this week.  After all the weird shit she did in her heyday, I'm convinced she has conjured up some magic potion that has enabled her to live forever.

Why is this photo so exciting for me?  It's just Snooki eating a pickle.  So is that her gimmick?  Pickle eating?  Either way I bet the Vlask stork is fapping to this picture right about now.

I couldn't figure out if Sarah Jessica Parker was at the Sex in the City 2 premier or if she was getting ready to run the Belmont Stakes.  Why is it that every time I see SJP, I hear this song?  Maybe it's because I spend too much time at this site.

This week Rihanna said that she fears childbirth and is more interested in adopting children instead of having them the natural way.  I guess if I was a woman and I had the prominent forehead that Rihanna has I'd be afraid of childbirth as well.  You know that when she was born the doctor and a nurse played tic-tac-toe on her forehead until her eyes were visible.

Paris Hilton is at fleet week.  Like a moth to the flame, Paris will be hosting events and much to the surprise of no one, servicing the entire U.S. Navy.

Whenever we have a battle featuring wind versus a dress the clear winner is...ME!  Here we see Mischa Barton battling wind.  What is the strangest thing about this photo?  If you said that Mischa is carrying a purse, you would be correct.  She doesn't have money.

People are very worried about Miley Cyrus.  She seems to be rebelling against her wholesome Disney image.  Just a couple of weeks ago the video of her lap-dancing on a guy in a club was released.  Then this week we hear that she spent $3000 on lingerie.  Why would she need lingerie?  Remember she moved out of her house into her own and her boyfriend has moved in with her.  What could possibly go wrong?  Miley is such a stupid hillbilly.  She doesn't need lingerie to turn on men.  All she needs is a driver's license that says she's 18.

Seriously...I'm going to hell.  Sorry, Jesus.  Wait...a loophole!  These photos were taken in Mexico where the legal age of consent is 16 and Miley is 17...I'm just saying.

The claws are out!  M.I.A. says that she hates Lady Gaga because Gaga is neither original nor unique.  Well, I could have told you that.  I think Lady Gaga is basically ripping off my girl Peaches.  M.I.A. said that she is also very upset because most babies' first sounds are "ga-ga" and of course that makes Lady Gaga think she is better than she actually is.  I know how they can settle this...two words...SAUERKRAUT WRESTLING!  Believe me, it's hot.

Mariah Carey was supposed to star in an upcoming Tyler Perry movie based on a play titled "For Colored Girls Who Have Considered Suicide when the Rainbow is Enuf".  She is possibly dropping out the movie and people are speculating that this is because she is pregnant.  Tyler Perry is ecstatic because it gives him another chance to dress up as a woman.  I also hear he is going to fire all the other women in the movie because he wants to play all the roles and do a lot of cross-dressing.

Sadly this photo of MacGruber is funnier than the movie.

Lindsay Lohan is crying for good reason.  She's in hell.  She can't drink.  She has to wear a SCRAM device that constantly monitors her blood-alcohol level.  She has to submit to random drug tests.  Lindsay also can't leave L.A. and must attend alcohol education classes.  I am starting to feel good about my dead pool.

Lindsay is obviously committed to recovery since the day after her court appearance she was seen with newly dyed hair and out at a bar in L.A.  Could we just frame her for a crime so that she would go away forever?  Maybe we could give her the O.J. Simpson treatment.  Too bad the Zodiac killings took place before she was born.

These are the posters for Lindsay's upcoming movie about Linda Lovelace.  Make sure you memorize what these posters look like because the bargain bin at Walmart is pretty full.

Only Karl Lagerfeld can save Lindsay now.  Maybe to help her and her love of fashion, he can do a fashion show in her back yard ala "Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead".  I can't believe I actually went to the theaters to see that movie.

Kristen Stewart recently said that having the paparazzi following her and taking her photos is like being raped.  Now, I'm not a fancy big city lawyer but I think there is a slight difference between being raped and having your photo taken and by this I mean SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU VAMPIRE LOVING POTHEAD!  Hell, you should be thankful that the paparazzi want to take your picture because somewhere along the line you must have sold your soul to the devil because you'd be lucky to get your photo taken at the K-Mart Photo Studio.

People close to Kirstie Alley said that she recently went clothes shopping at Target and was extremely excited to find dresses that fit.  The exciting part was that the dress size was a medium.  Kirstie supposedly bought 10 of the dresses.  I guess I understand the excitement especially if she fit into a medium.  What Kirstie didn't know is that the line, Liz Lange, is a line of maternity dresses.  I wish guys had something similar but not in a dress but a jock strap.  Like a 10XL would actually be something like an actual small.

Oh Kendra...I really don't feel sorry for her especially not after I heard that she made $700,000 for her sextape.  Oh and they are planning on releasing sequels because there are 20 different tapes.  Her husband, Hank is devastated because he thought there were only 18 and NOT 20!  If you want to see some still shots, go here, and if want to see a short clip that gives me hope, go here, and here is the official site.  There's just something about that tape that makes Hustler look classy.

After all the publicity stunts and plastic surgeries, Heidi Montag revealed something that I have known for a long time...she has no friends...duh!

Despite having no friends, Heidi may have one brain cell that is still functioning.  She has supposedly broken up with Spencer and moved out of their house.  She said that he is holding back her acting career.  I don't buy it and think this is just a lame attempt to get on the cover of People magazine instead of Gary Coleman.  OK, I am getting this feeling that you are trying to care but don't...next!

This is Hayley Williams, the lead sing of the band Paramore.  I don't really listen to their stuff but after seeing this photo, I think they are definitely worth checking out.

Gary Coleman fell and hit his head at his home in Utah.  He was in a coma and on life-support.  His wife had the plug pulled this afternoon.  Gary has died at the age of 42.  No one knows what made Gary fall.  Doctors think it may have been some kind of different stroke.  What'chu talkin' bout, Willis...indeed.  I wish I could cry into Mrs. Garrett's shoulder right about now.

Evan Lysachek recently said that he is ready to start dating and he really needs to find a girlfriend.  No, that isn't a helicopter, it's Johnny Weir fapping to this picture.  And Johnny is getting all sparkled up hoping Evan will give him a call.

I promised I would never talk about Tiger Woods on my site but I couldn't resist posting this photo of his soon to be ex-wife, Elin Nordegren.  The early reports of what she wants in a settlement are $750million, full custody of the children, and no confidentiality clause.  I really have no sympathy for Tiger.  I would die to be married to that woman...hell, I'd love to be in the same room with her.  He fucked up and now she wants 125% of his wealth.  Yes, that's right.  After sponsors dropped him for his shenanigans, Tiger's wealth is estimated at $600million.  Also Tiger wanted her to sign a lifetime confidentiality agreement.  If she wrote a book about their marriage and her ordeal that would probably one of the best selling books.  She can go live on a private island bought with Tiger's money and enjoy being with Tiger's children without the hassle of having Tiger around them.  But Elin better watch out.  I'm not saying she'll end up at the bottom of a lake but these are things which give us Lifetime movies.

Here we see Coco teaching the future of America the ins and outs of motorboating.  Coco posted this on her Twitter and said that her niece absolutely loves her breasts.  I feel bad for that little girl's future classmates.  When she gets into grade school she's going to hog all the basketballs.

This is an interesting turn of events.  Simon Cowell is leaving American Idol and was so impressed with Bret Michaels that Simon has said that Bret should be the judge that replaces him.  I guess Michaels meets the perfect criteria to be a judge.  He was in a band that still is popular yet hasn't produced original material and relies heavily on material from 20 years ago.  Bret also has some brain damage from a stroke.  So I guess that makes him a perfect candidate to judge pop music.  Yes, I hate pop music but not as much as I hate pop country.

For not being able to sing, he has entertained me with his music for many years.  Bob turned 69 this week.  I think to celebrate his birthday I'm going to drive highway 61 until I can find my girl from the north country.

Ashton Kutcher...I hate that guy and he has given me another reason to hate him.  He is working on a movie that the studio wants to call "Friends with Benefits" but Ashton hates the title and wants to call it by the original title, "Fuck Buddies".  I just wish he would go away.  Can we make up a rumor about him?  OK let's see...oh, he's flipping off the cameraman and the cameraman is black therefore Ashton Kutcher is a racist.  SPREAD IT!

Art Linkletter passed away at the age of 97 this week.  He was the original host of Kids Say the Darnedest Things.  I'd love to see how that show would be today.  I bet kids would tell the host to fuck off.  Art will be greatly missed especially by his wife of 75 years, Lois.  75 years!?!?!?!  I couldn't imagine living that long let alone being married to someone that long.

Believe it or not, this is 50 Cent.  He dropped 60lbs for a role in a movie titled "Things Fall Apart".  The role is that of a high school football star who is diagnosed with cancer.  He went to a liquid only diet and spent most of his day walking on a treadmill.  At first when I saw him and heard he lost this weight, I thought the movie was going to be about Dave Chappelle.  Oh and the first single off the soundtrack goes a little something like, "I'm not into havin' chemo, I ain't in to makin' love".

Video Section:
Enjoy a video of Lindsay Lohan in court.

I hope everyone has a great weekend.

I'm back with another batch of links.  I'm sorry about not getting the next episode of Deadwood up yesterday but I had to expose my cock to Xanga.  I'll get back to Deadwood next week.  Anyway here are the links.

The GodfatherofGreenBay blogs in front of a live studio audience.

1.  Sometimes porn loses it's thrill but thankfully it leaves me with a dirty mind so that is why I find these examples of unintentional porn hilarious.

2.  Are you a diabolical genius but you haven't developed your diabolical laugh for when you reveal your master scheme or capture the hero trying to stop you in your quest of world domination?  Well if you want a shortcut, here's a link that will supply the laugh for you.  Press the button, turn up the sound.

3.  Not only do geeks give us great computers, they also give us awesome wallets.  I still need to buy myself a wallet that says "Bad Mother Fucker".

4.  This is a real complaint to a pizza place.  Make sure you listen to the whole thing.  It would be better if they spoke in American.

5.  Remember when "yo mama" jokes were so fashionable?  Well now the big thing is to make fun of you for your mom being at the club.  I spent so much time on that site.

6.  Whenever I wander through a toy section at a retail store I am always amazed at the amount of crap on the shelves.  Then I remember my childhood toys.  Those were the days.  Now if only Edith came running with my beer...the dingbat.

7.  Don't you just hate when an asshole turns out to be right?  Here's a list of 5 assholes despite displaying assholish behavior were correct.  I think by the end of the year Floyd Landis will be added to that list.

8.  Do you want to play a joke on someone in the office?  Here's a list of jokes you can play with your office printer.  Those will come in very handy.

9.  I've had a couple of break-up letters in my day.  The worst was via email.  Anyway none of them are as brutal as these break-up letters.

10.  I know a few of you enjoy the TV show LOST.  Well here is a page that is devoted to all the Biblical references in the series.

11.  Have you ever wondered what Disney princesses would be like if they were slutty?  Well now you no longer have to guess.

12.  I know some of you have been diagnosed with cases of Bieber Fever.  For the rest of the sane people out there that hate him, here is a fun little trick that will enable you to rid your computer of any Justin Bieber references.  It's called Shaved Bieber...lol...but it made wonder if he does actually shave.

My kids asked if I could get them tattoos.  It's a good thing they are going back to their mom's place.

Once again, the GodfatherofGreenBay blogs in front of a live studio audience.

For those of you who are new to these parts, I used to do a regular post featuring me answering questions alongside my cock, my pet rooster, Cocky McCockburns.  Well after a long break, Cocky and I are back to tackle all your questions.

Me: So Cocky how was your time off?
Cocky: You should be asking how was my time getting off.
Me: Umm...no.
Cocky:  Oh it was so exciting.  I finally tricked out my car.

Cocky: Do we tell the readers of the Valentine's Day debacle.
Me: Oh please don't.
Cocky: Well I won't have to tell them, I have photographic evidence and it is very graphic.

Me: Please...stop
Cocky: Anyway, fruit pie, I went back to my native Scotland.
Me: Oh yeah?  How was that?
Cocky: Oh it was exhausting and nerve-wracking.
Me: How was it nerve-wracking?
Cocky:  Well there was an incident and the police were after me, it was just a mess but I did get to see all my old friends and family.
Me: If the police were after you, how did you get around?
Cocky:  Oh I hid under a few kilts.
Me: So there really is a Cocky underneath a Scotsman's kilt.
Cocky: And I smuggled in a crate of our sponsor's goods under my kilt.

Me: Well, Cocky, are you ready?
Cocky: Cocked, locked and ready to unload.
Me: Excellent...and now a word from our sponsors.

Cockburns produces some of the world’s finest Ports; make sure you try the full range and experience the signature Cockburns taste, picking your favorite for different occasions.

When will the Braves win another World Series?

                                    Anxious in Atlanta

Me: Well, despite the hot start, I think the Braves will not make the post-season.  Sorry to be upsetting.

Cocky: OK, bitch-tits is such a naysayer.  The Braves will win the World Series as soon as I finish the voodoo dolls for every team in Major League Baseball

What makes the best spankerchief?

                                    Self-Lover in Seneca

Me: Why would I know about that?  Are you trying to insinuate something?

Cocky:  Just answer the damn question you mary.  The godfather has a lifetime supply of Shamwow hidden under his bed.  You’ll love his nuts.

Me: Cocky you got the slogans mixed up with the Slap-Chop.

Cocky: Oh that’s right you aren’t into the sado-masochism but you do do a lot of slapping and chopping.

How can I be as awesome as you guys?

                                    Awesomeness in Ashwabenon

Me: Well, you see it’s just as simple as---

Cocky: You wouldn’t know awesome if you had fireworks shooting out of your ass.  See, if you have to ask then you can never achieve the awesomeness that is me, Cocky.  I just don’t see it in store for you, poopy-pants.  You and the godfather should get together and wallow in your dorkiness.

If someone is cross eyed naturally and has an orgasm, during their OH face do their eyes go straight for a bit?

                                    Curious in Kendall

Me: I really don’t think that is how it works but then I’m not a licensed optometrist.

Cocky: The only OH face the Godfather makes is when he is flipping through the music channels and he comes across, pun intended, Ciara’s new music video.  Then he says “Oh” and pulls out the Shamwow.  Actually people go from having cross-eyes to having lazy eyes.

So my piece of crap Ford Focus is having problems.  I'll be driving without any problems then all of a sudden it'll shake and then the engine will turn off, and I'm in the middle of the road with a broken down car, BUT all I have to do is turn the car off, then on again and it's up and running like nothing happened.  What is wrong with my car?

                                    Ford Owner in Fountain City

Me: If you’re driving for a while, it might be an oxygen sensor heating up then going out. You also might be losing fuel pressure or a pump might be going out, then going back on when you start it up again. There's a ton of things that might be wrong with it but it sounds mostly like it something in the fuel system.

Cocky: Simple answer: it’s a Ford

OK, that is it for this week and I plan on timestamping this.  I am warning you ahead so if you are a challenged Xangan and don't understand the mysticism behind the dreaded timestamp, DO NOT BEGIN TO BELIEVE THAT I AM HARASSING YOU!  I just want all people to enjoy the wisdom I dispense with my cock.

If you have a question for myself or Cocky you can either email here at Xanga or at advicewithcocky@gmail.com or you can ask anonymously over at our formspring.

You know I didn't post this last night because I was down but then I had a special conversation.  Anyway let's examine why Xanga without me is like Harold Melvin without the Blue Notes...you're not going anywhere.

I am the only Xangan who'll...

I went to an Amish greenhouse today and bought cayenne peppers.  The guy asked if I was trying to spice up my life.  I told him I had enough spice with all my electricity.

After the Amish greenhouse I went to a gypsy to get my palm read but she said I should see a barber first.

Ui vtyytpoedv tyhiusd ewiutrh bnmyu. Doinjgf. (I just tried typing "I typed this with my dong" with my dong) Mind blowing, right?

Whoever said that one in the hand is worth two in the bush has never had sex.

A necrophiliac will always think you're drop dead sexy.

When I hear someone say OMG, I reach for my G-U-N.

I just got an idea of how they can solve the oil spill.  They should film porn down there.  Have you ever seen how much oil they use on BigWetButts.com?  You probably don't want to check out that link unless you are alone in a poorly lit room.

Motivation:

 

Cocky is getting impatient.

I'm going to go run 12 laps around Lake Mendota and then go drink a case of Hopalicious and eat a steak, that's how I Badger Up!

Oh and I don't really care about apathetic people.

I hate to stereotype but she does sound like she is from the Bible Belt.

Maybe she is just Criminal Minds number 1 fan.

Yes, I got a little emo a few days ago but I just couldn't take this shit anymore.  I strive for treating most people here on Xanga with dignity and respect, but to when I was mistreated that way it just made me really open my eyes as to what this place is really like and the hypocrisy of being tolerant.  I guess you only pick and choose which groups you will tolerate and the rest can go to hell.

I got an email that made me change my mind about leaving.  Interestingly enough it wasn't from a person here on Xanga...sorry but I really did appreciate all your words...this email came from a U.S. soldier.  He didn't want me to close shop because he said he stumbled upon my site and it was the closest thing to pornography that he had in Saudia Arabia.  Strangely enough I have heard my site is the closest thing to porn in China from two different people. 

Despite not supporting the war, I do support the troops.

God bless the USA

Enjoy

Since no one commented on this post when I originally posted it, I figure I'd post it again.  I don't really feel like posting anything new.  I am still toying with making a post devoted to the cunt, as I shall call her from now on, and her cunt activities.  Anyway, in with the old.

Two of the worst things known to mankind: Disco and Ethel Merman.  I have heard that the military has been using this album on detainees at Guantanamo Bay.  Yeah, that probably is too torturous but I guess if it keeps me safe and able to drink beer in my backyard on nice sunny days then I don't really mind.

So this has me thinking, are animals gay?  I had a female Beagle that used to hump legs.  I assumed she was just mad.  I had a female Rottweiller that let male dogs hump her face.  I guess she was a little mad.  Blah blah blah, are you even reading this?

So which ones are the lesbians?  It is so hard to spot the lesbians because I have been conditioned by Cinemax to believe that all lesbians are voluptuous blonde nymphomaniacs and not the plaid wearing, mullet sporting, man-haters that I actually see on the streets of my little town.  Although the stereotype of the voluptuous lesbian is solidified when the local chapter of Dykes on Bikes rolls into town...they're a great group of gals...Curse you, Cinemax.

Here is the bad side of the glam rock movement.  This is Gary Glitter's backup band and their feeble attempt at an album.  I see they are clinging to the one thing that they will be remembered for in a positive light; making the music and shouting on the single most recognizable song in sports today.  Who am I kidding?  They will be remembered for backing-up a pedophile who downloaded kiddie porn onto his computer and then took the computer to get it fixed and the store called the cops on him so he served his jail time and then went to Vietnam and got in trouble for having underage females living in his house. Oh glam rock, thankfully my most hated band is trying to bring you back.  Curse you, Panic! at the Disco

I seriously want to hear this or at least become a country rock sensation and cover this song.  I think country has some of the funniest songs.  "Dropkick Me Jesus", "I'm Out Getting Hammered(while she's out getting nailed)", and "I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling" are some of my favorites.  If you want to hear some of my other favorite country songs look up the artist Larry Pierce.

I think I have found a new occupation.  Seriously, I once watched a TV show on one of the screaming preacher stations and saw these guys who lifted weights, tore phone books, bent metal rods, etc. all for the glory of Jesus.  To this day, I am still trying to figure out how ripping a phone book into two pieces is supposed to be preaching about Christ.  Maybe someone will see the feat and think, "Hey if that guy believes in Jesus and can rip a phonebook in two then I will be able to as well but only if I believe in Jesus."  Oh and that person must live in a trailer park.

I think that Michael Jackson owns the rights to this band. 

Apparently in some states it doesn't matter that Julie is only 16 and the man sitting across from her appears to be in his 30s.  Julie doesn't look to happy.  I think I know why.  See the guy is John.  He is a truck driver and he kidnapped Julie who originally ran away from her parents and decided to go to the nearest truck stop so John picked her so he could do deviant things to her.  Well John slipped a roofie into Julie's drink and now she is starting to pass out.  How do I know this?  John has a look of gleeful trucker delight on his face.  Did I ever mention that I do have a mild fear of truckers?

Well Freddie, maybe they are just pretending to be dead because did you ever take the time to look at what you wear for footwear?  I think if the album cover was black this may be the greatest selling goth album ever.

I was going to write a hate entry against the people that claim to know all about me because I am overweight. 
I was going to write a hate entry to the person whose last post I recommended because they claim to know why I am overweight. 
Since everyone has decided to use name calling in their arguments I was going to bandy about terms that I know would be hurtful and I would also criticize those people's religious beliefs or lack there of but I realize that I am above that and I can't recall a time I have attacked anyone for their physical limitations or their belief system.  I take that back, I criticize Scientology but that isn't a religion.  I have loved how people who preach that we need to practice diversity and cultural sensitivity are the first ones out there name calling against the overweight. 
This has hurt me so deeply.  I've lost words.

I guess if you truly know me and care about me, you'll know where to find me.

I can't come up with a cutesy paragraph so on to the round-up...warning some pics may not be safe for work or for life...NSFW and NSFL.

Guess who supports Roman Polanski raping underage girls?  That's right, Woody Allen.  Any surprise there?  Woody claims that Roman has paid for his crime.  Hmmm when did Roman go to prison?  Woody Allen saying Polanski isn't guilty is like Jesse James saying that Tiger Woods never cheated.  It's like Jocelyn Wildenstein saying that Heidi Montag has never had plastic surgery.

You know, I really have no clue why Tila Tequila is lying in the grass while waiting to get into a party thrown by the only publication in America that kisses her ass, Maxim Magazine.  I was hoping that she fell into a tiger pit at a zoo but I couldn't be that lucky.

I don't watch Glee.  There is something about that show that makes me feel...icky.  I don't know what it is but I can't stand it.  Anyway my dislike of the series doesn't mean I can't drop a bombshell.  Susan Boyle is set to be a guest sometime this winter.  I haven't discovered what her role would be but I'm hoping it is the school lunch lady and that sometime in the episode she will sing Lunch Lady Land.

I wish that lemur wasn't wearing a diaper for two reasons.  First, think of the hilarity that would ensue if it shat on Snooki.  Secondly, sans diaper it gives Snooki a perfect view of what her future will be like after Jersey Shore.

Sarah Jessica Parker apparently had breast implants.  She actually went to a plastic surgeon to consult about having a feed bag implanted around her chin but they put in those saddle bags instead.  SJP also said the new Sex in the City movie will be entertaining but fans shouldn't expect nudity because that isn't what people want to see.  Who am I to disagree with Mrs. Ed?

Oh that's so sweet, Sandra with her new child.  My only question is why is she dressing like Justin Timberlake?  Is she already out trying to pick up men?  Too bad the type of guys she's trying to attract dressed like Timberlake don't dig chicks.

I remember when the George Lopez show debuted and was shocked to see that Sandra Bullock was one of the executive producers.  I wonder what she thinks of Lopez now.  A few years ago, George was dying of kidney failure so his wife gave him one of her kidneys.  Guess how he thanked her?  He gave his dick to some random skanks.  Those random skanks have been telling people that George is a freak in the bedroom and that he paid them top dollar.  Look at George.  OF course he had to pay for sex...we smell our own.

God William Shatner is the star of a new CBS comedy set to debut this fall.  He will be the star of the first ever show based on a Twitter account.  William Shatner will be the star of a show based on Shit My Dad Says.  Bill will play the dad.  The problem with this show is that it has an expletive in the title.  CBS is toying with calling it @#*! My Dad Says or *Bleep* My Dad Says.  Shatner says, "Shit is a very natural function of the body. We shouldn't discard it."  I think he means the word shit in the title.  I hope they call it Shat My Dad Says or Shat Hits the Fan.

Ronnie James Dio died at that age of 67 this week after a long battle with stomach cancer.  So much has been said about him and I can't top some of the tributes out there.  All I'll say is that he will be greatly missed. m/

Nicolas Cage admitted to having one of the strangest eating habits in the universe.  He will only eat animals that have dignified sex.  He said he likes to eat fish, birds, and whales but he doesn't like pigs and he's not Jewish.  What animal out there has dignified sex?  Honestly what would you expect from a guy who surrounds himself in a mansion with dinosaur skulls and albino alligators.  Oh and if animals have all that dignified sex, wouldn't that make the meat tougher? 

It was announced this week that Megan Fox won't be returning for Transformers 3.  Thank god, maybe I'll watch a Transformers movie this century.  Maybe before she pursues bigger roles she should look into some acting lessons first.

Always the opportunistic whore!  Heidi is already a CGI robot with the personality of a broken down car so she'd be perfect.

Miley Cyrus will kill you.  Well not really but her fake jewelry will.  Some her jewelry was discovered to contain high levels of toxic material so Walmart is pulling it from their stores.  Wow, are you as shocked as I am that Miley Cyrus had a line of jewelry at Walmart?  Actually, I am sort of shocked because her last name isn't Spears.  The Cyrus family are a higher class of hillbillies, they shop at Target and they pronounce it Tar-jay to class it up.  Here I only thought listening to Miley Cyrus' music was hazardous to your health.

Supposedly this is Lindsay Lohan with her new girlfriend, Indrani.  Indrani is also Lindsay's personal photographer.  I never heard of Indrani until yesterday so I guess it worked for her.

Basically Linsday is a huge mess.  She is over in Cannes promoting her new movie about Deep Throat, the movie not the political insider.  She missed all her court mandated alcohol awareness courts so a judge issued a warrant for her arrest.  Well Lindsay said she couldn't get out of France because of the volcanic activity in Iceland.  Bullshit!  Then Lindsay claimed that her passport was stolen.  The judge said bullshit because her husband is a travel agent and has said that if a passport is lost or stolen, one can get an emergency passport.  Well Lindsay ignored all of this and remained in France so the judge issued the warrant.  Lindsay then claimed that her dad had some criminals steal her passport so that she would get arrested and placed in a rehab facility.  She would have been arrested once she set foot in America but her mom posted bond.  She is such a mess.

Now that she is on bond a photo has surfaced from a party.  Lindsay claims she is at an embassy trying to work things out.  I wonder if they have parties with lines of coke on the tables at the embassy.  Well Lindsay, not one to take responsibility, said the coke was planted to make her look bad.  Then she claimed that her dad had the photos photoshopped to make her look like she has a drug problem.  Isn't one of the side-effects of drug use extreme paranoia?

Coming to a theater near you...rated R for adult situations, strong language, and lots of nudity...LOTS OF NUDITY!

I think Lily Allen got a new job at Disneyland.  I can't joke because I find her angelic.  Um...I need some private time to um...collect my thoughts.
 
Ke$ha is trying to be totally original by pulling out a better looking mannequin head and acting like she and the head are having conversations.  OK, kids, don't think she is "cool" or "original" because this was the whole persona of a wrestler in the WWE named Al Snow.  His gimmick was that he was insane and talked to a mannequin head and the head talked back.  He also had the best catchphrase in all of wrestling:  "What does everybody want? HEAD!"  Yes, the mannequin head was named Head.  Hmmm why not raid the WWE for more ideas, Ke$ha?  You could pretend to be from Iraq or give birth to a hand or dress as a giant turkey or better yet change your name to the SHOCKMASTER!  OK if any single ladies want me to expound on any of the wrestling things, email me, let's talk.

Jordan Knight of New Kids on the Block turned 40 this week.  Has it been that long?  I still remember all the rumors about the guys in that band having to get their stomachs pumped because they ingested too much semen.  How time flies when your career is non-existent!

Johnny Weir was a judge at the Miss America pageant which immediately disqualified him from winning the crown.  Still, I bet he voted for himself because he is absolutely fabulous.  Hell, he'd be a better Miss America plus photos of him pole dancing would have a totally different meaning.

Jennifer Aniston showed off her killer abs this week.  What she didn't say was how she exercised to get her abs to look so ripped.  She chases all 100 of her cats around her house all day and punches walls whenever she is dumped by another guy or whenever she sees one of the guys who has dumped her with another woman.  So basically she is always working out.

The girl is former Playboy Playmate Jenna Bentley, the guy is her boyfriend.  Who ever said money can't buy love never saw this couple.  There's hope for me yet.  All women want a fat old man as a lover, I mean a walking ATM machine as a lover.  Oh wait, I'm not quite a walking ATM machine but I am rolling in the eprops.  Holla at me ladies.

Courtney Love is making the claim that she and Kate Moss have had sex.  She said that they were doing drugs and one thing led to another.  She also said it is a story to tell the grandchildren.  OK is that something you really want to tell your grandchildren?  I guess if you want them screaming in the middle of the bed while curled in the fetal position in a puddle of urine.

Coco does something on Twitter every Thursday.  She calls it Thong Thursday and posts photos of her wearing thongs.  Twitter is the greatest thing ever.  Thank you, Coco.

Charlie Sheen was thinking of leaving his hit TV show, Two and a Half Men, so he could pursue bigger and better things.  I was hoping he would make another Hot Shots movie.  Well that won't be happening any time soon because he signed a deal to stay with the show.  In doing so he became the highest paid actor on TV.  He will be earning over $2million an episode.  In the last few years we've heard how different industries have received bailouts.  Well Charlie Sheen won't be sitting on that money so it looks like the prostitution industry just received their bailout.

Cher turned 64 this week.  I bet her birthday wish is that she could turn back time so she can look like she did in this photo once more.  I am going to go vomit because I just referenced a Cher song and sadly enough I think I used that same joke last year.

Hey, I think Brooke Hogan stole her belly button jewelry from my grandmother's collection of earrings.  Oh well, I think I can forgive her, forgive her multiple times.

Sad news for Bret Michaels, he was rushed to the hospital after he said the left side of his body went numb.  The hospital said he had something.  I had no clue what that something was so I interviewed a doctor at the local hospital...they put up with me and the Amish, that's why they get bank...she said it was a mini-stroke.  Also the hospital discovered that Bret has a hole in his heart.  Send some positive thoughts his way so he can make the finale of Celebrity Apprentice.  And remember a few weeks ago when Bret had his brain aneurysm?  Well this week it was revealed what strenuous activity he was doing when his brain malfunctioned.  Bret was watching Busty Cops 3.  As a connosieur of the Busty Cops series, I know that part 3 is the hardest to watch; he should have stuck with part 2, that's more the speed for us old guys.

Tracy Morgan and Betty White are the new Hollywood "It" couple.  OK maybe not but how awesome would that be if they were?  Betty better watch because as Tracy says, "Someone's gonna get pregnant!"  Just as a precaution Betty should suck on a few morning-after pills while she sucks on her Werther's Originals...did you know I get a commission for every time I mention Werther's Originals in my round-up?  But if Betty does get pregnant, I hope the pregnancy doesn't ruin her bikini body.

Video Section:
Revolving Door...1...Justin Bieber...0

I think DARE is going to use this audition video of Chris Kline for a role in Mamma Mia to show kids the dangers of drug use.  God...that can't be real.

Oh and if you want to see some stills of Kendra Wilkinson's sex tape go here.  There's interesting news about a second tape, she's with a girl and some very freaky things are done, things that will embarrass Kendra if they are released.  I'm thinking 2 girls 1 cup embarrassing. 

Have a great weekend and thanks for reading!