The greatest thing happened last night.  I went to visit my friends and my goddaughter.  She is really sprouting up and is now walking and talking.  SHE SAID MY NAME!  It was so cute to hear her say "Matt".  That made me want to sit and and think about thinking about having a child some day.  On to the round-up!

Perfection, thy name is Shauna Sand.  Honestly who wears something like that out for supper?  Oh yeah, Shauna Sand.  I bet if you cut open that woman's cranium instead of a brain you would find a vibrator.

Pam Grier is writing a memoir and in it she chronicles a medical dilemma she experienced while dating Richard Pryor.  She went to a gynocologist and the doctor explained that in Hollywood there had been an epidemic of a crust build up of cocaine in the cervix and vagina.  Of course, Pam had this crusty build up and Pam wasn't doing drugs.  The doctor asked if her boyfriend (Richard Pryor) was putting coke on his penis to maintain erection....seriously, that works, then why all the fuss over Viagra...oh yeah, I'll keep going.  Pam claimed that she didn't think he put it on his dick because he didn't have a pile beside their bed that he dipped it into (Richard once had a joke that went something like "Even my dick has a cocaine jones").  Pam then admitted that she never saw him going into the bathroom before they had sex and the doctor said there was an emergency because the cocaine was in Pryor's semen.  The dude was doing so much blow that it wasn't break down and was in his jizz.  Pam also said that when she gave oral sex, her mouth went numb.  Cocaine has a Novocaine like side-effect.  HAHAHAHAHA....Richard Pryor, still making us laugh from beyond the grave.

Olivia Munn is the new poster girl for PETA.  Yes, Olivia, I will boycott the circus.  Screw you Circus World Museum and your free elephant poop that I could use as fertilizer for my garden...thanks for the tip Lucy, that is so cool.  I am sure the neighbors will really appreciate that.

While going to a PETA event to unveil her new poster, Olivia Munn was spotted near a burger joint and wearing leather boots.  This girl is so awesome.  MARRY ME! 

Raise your hand if you would like to do nudity in a future movie project.  Yes, Miley said in an interview this week that she is willing to do nudity in a movie as long as it is classy.  Ha!  What's classy for the hillbilly?  Skinemax?  But classy nudity...I guess that rules out nudity in a Hannah Montana movie unless I write the script and include a scene where Hannah discovers a crazy drink called tequila.

Here's a little Mick Jagger for the ladies.  You're welcome, grandma. 

I never thought Megan Fox would do good in a period piece but this still shot from the upcoming Jonah Hex movie makes me...well it makes me really want to see that movie.

This week Marky Mark was talking about how he was offered a role in Brokeback Mountain before Jake Gyllenhaal or Heath Ledger.  He didn't quite know what he should do after he read the script so he went to a Catholic priest for guidance in the matter.  The priest objected to the role and Marky Mark declined the role.  Let me get this straight...hahaha straight...the church objected to his appearance in Brokeback Mountain but they didn't say boo when he flashed his 13 inch prosthetic penis in Boogie Nights? HMMMMMM...It's all starting to not make sense.

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Lindsay was banned from a night club for life this week because she threw an empty glass at the head of her ex-girlfriend, Sam Ronson.  I try not to divulge to much of my personal information but do you know what Linday's drug-induced downward spiral reminds me of from my life?  ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!

I really don't know what to say about Lindsay and her mother Dina in NYC getting hot-dogs other than, "How many Lohans does it take to get a wiener wet?"

Leonard Nimoy is trying to stay hip and with it by throwing up a shocker...or wait, is it called The Spocker?  He should have used that instead of that Vulcan crap and instead of "Live long and prosper," he could have said "Two in the pink and one in the stink."

Kate Gosslein is a horrible failure.  Not only did she get kicked off DWTS...what does that stand for again, donuts with tartar sauce...wait, Dancing With the Stars.  How hard is it to be on that show?  She has slave labor back at home.  OK so she got voted off but her biggest failure is her recent book.  The publisher expected it to sell at least 100,000 copies in the first week and possibly by now 1,000,000 copies.  So far it has only sold...drumroll please(hold down your left button on the drum to make the anticipation grow)...10,000 copies.  Apparently people don't want a book of Kate's prayers for her children and they don't want to read her journal entries.  Who'd a thunk it?  I wonder how Kate would fair on Xanga.  I know I would probably be the first person she'd block.

In "What the hell is wrong with kids these days" news, a Justin Bieber concert was canceled because a group of something like a billion pre-teen girls trampled some other pre-teen girls after a rumor spread at a concert site that Justin was going to be starting earlier than expected.  Instead of performing live, Justin had to perform from the safety of a studio.  This is getting ridiculous.  OK in defense of those pre-teens suffering from this epidemic known as Bieber-fever, at least they are worshipping a baby instead of having babies...yeah that's a big fuck you to MTV's 16 and Knocked Up.

Jessica Simpson was on...DAMN!

Tito Ortiz was arrested this week for domestic violence against his girlfriend Jenna Jameson.  She said that she was pressing charges and that the children were alright.  In Tito's defense, Jenna has video footage that she loves to be tied-up, handcuffed, ball-gagged, choked, spanked, slapped in the face, spit on, and fisted all while being called a whore.  How was he supposed to know she didn't like to be punched in the face?  So we can now add blood to the body fluids that have been on Jenna's face.  Tito is claiming that Jenna was high on Oxycontin and he was restraining her because she was causing the harm to herself.  So let's sort out the facts: the woman who has a lifetime of bad decision making skills and drug abuse claims that the man who is a prize fighter and who she claims is a teddy bear snapped and beat her up.

Jenna is seen here with her arm all bandaged.  She has since dropped charges against Tito.  I don't want to come off as defending a wife beater but after he apologized for saying she was on Oxy, Jenna dropped charges.  I've been around druggies and they have very erratic behavior so who knows.

Here's a little something for the ladies even if Jakey isn't really into the ladies and don't say "But he's married to Reese Witherspoon, Godfather," because you'd be running to the arms of the opposite sex if you had to hear that nasally fingers on chalkboard voice of Witherspoon's 24/7.  Jake Gyllenhaal is in the new Prince of Persia movie.  I never played that video game so I won't be able to judge whether or not the movie sticks close to the game. 

And I only use this photo of Heidi Montag because after all her surgeries, I can't stand to look at her face.  People are claiming that she is addicted to painkillers which might explain why she had so many plastic surgeries performed in one day.  Not only being delusional about her appearance, Heidi also figured that the more surgery she had done, the more painkillers they would use and prescribe, and she also needed all the meds to "cope" with her new body.  Also if you watched the new Hills episode you would see how she is experiencing classic drug addict behavior.  I can't believe I am spending time on this when the Gulf Coast is under a state of emergency and Arizona has passed that intriguing immigration reform bill but sweet Jesus, just once in my life, despite my seldom seen maturity, I want to go motorboating, but with Heidi, I'd need SCUBA gear.

A long time ago I made mention that they were making a Smurfs movie.  Apparently the movie is set in New York City and will be live-action plus animation sort of like the recent Chipmunk movies.  Here we see Amy Winehouse Hank Azaria as Gargamel.  Oddly enough he looks like he could fit in because he sort of has the crack-addict hipster look going for him.

Radar Online claims they have possession of a sex tape starring Chelsea Handler.  Chelsea came back at them on her show by thanking them for ruining her Christmas gift to her staff.  Yes, she filmed a comedy skit for her workers.  That's actually a pretty lame gift in my opinion.  So what makes this funny?  When the guy is trying to enter does he slip on a banana peel?  Or does she get a cream pie in the face?  Usually when I am behind a girl there's more crying than laughing...actually I'm the one crying and she's the one laughing...sigh.

I don't know what the hell is going on here between Chaz Bono and Johnny Weir but I am feeling very weird, the same sort of weirdness I get when I watch Ru-Paul's Drag Race and see Jujubee.  My brain is about to pull a Bret Michaels so...NEXT

Hey, Beyonce, better put a bikini on it...ok attempt two...Hey, Beyonce, better put an areola on it...lame...how about I let you write the joke?  As in the words of Ru-Paul, don't fuck it up!  CAN'T GET DRAG RACE OUT OF MY MIND!

Ahhhhh...that's better....Adrienne Curry is the winner of Twitter this week.  Wait, that's wrong, we're the winners.  Or am I a loser since I am ogling a woman on Twitter...sigh...no wonder I am single.

The third Batman movie to be directed by Christopher Nolan was given the go-ahead this week and Christian Bale is attached to star as Bruce Wayne and Batman.  SWEET!  No other cast has been has been announced so I guess this means let the Johnny Depp as The Riddler rumors begin.  Poop on that noise.  Depp being signed to this movie would be disastrous for the franchise just like in the first Batman series.  They started signing big name actors for the villain parts regardless of their acting talent although Jim Carey was a good Riddler, Arnold Schwarzenegger sucked as Mr. Freeze as did Tommy Lee Jones as Two Face or whoever played Catwoman.  Thank god Nolan hates Catwoman.  I think Anthony Michael Hall will be The Riddler.  Why?  Watch Dark Knight.  I'm also hoping they bring in Harley Quinn.  Possibly Depp could play Mad Hatter...get it?  Oh well it's supposed to be released the summer of 2012 that way it beats the end of the Mayan calendar.

Gargamel Amy Winehouse fell down some stairs and rushed to the hospital because she thought she may have pierced one of her breast implants.  She didn't bust a jug but had some bruised ribs, a bump on her head, and a cut above her eye.  Hey, it sounds like she was hanging out with Tito Ortiz.  Amy has rushed to the hospital many times in the past few months because of fears that she has burst a boob.  She just likes hospitals.  They're the only places where she can get pills by the pallet.

HALLELUJAH!  Britney Spears is wearing a bra!  Can you believe it people?!?!?!?!  She's wearing a bra!  It's such an amazing thing...it's like a horse wearing a saddle or better yet, a football player wearing shoulder pads...FUCKING SHOULDER PADS!

Video Section:

MIA has a controversial video out.  I am really digging her stuff.  I haven't heard if she allowed back in the U.S.  Anyway here is the video...be forewarned, it's graphic and contains gingers.

M.I.A, Born Free from ROMAIN-GAVRAS on Vimeo.

Have you ever wondered what The Hills would be like if all the main characters had kids?  Or what the main characters were like when they were children?  Maybe this will answer those questions.

I hope everyone has a swell weekend.

I am debating whether or not to close down my Xanga as it has become rather boring and traffic dwindling.  Lately it seems that my absence has caused me to miss out on some many happenings here.  I read people's comments and I am all "What the fuck is that about?"  I wanted to write an entry regardless.

I was thinking of writing about this married couple from Boston that decided to move out west to Arizona and settle down somewhere in the desert. As they were traveling across country to their new home they realized that the spark was no longer there and they decided to become swingers. I'm sure most of us have come to that point in a relationship. I know plenty of people here that are at that point.  Hell, I can name one guy in my house that is at that point. But the guy in the story was freaked out by seeing his wife in the arms of another man although most swingers are totally into seeing their significant other in the throes of passion with another. Well our couple, the poor wife was diagnosed with terminal cancer the day after the botched attempt at swinging. Divine retribution? Well that isn't what I wanted to write about.

Did you know that up until a few years ago it was common practice amongst Jews in Europe that when they had their sons circumcised the mohel would come in and snip the baby boy. He would then fill his mouth with some nice sacred Jewish wine, possibly Manishevitz. He then takes his mouth full of wine and inserts the baby boy's penis in his mouth to sterilize the circumcision. You know what I find ironic? Jewish girls wearing keffiyehs. But I digress.

The number 172 appears at the bottom of the Lincoln Memorial on the five dollar bill.  What is the significance of this number?  I'll be damned if I know but on June 11th of the year 172 A.D. the Roman army had surrounded their enemies in Moravia but the heat was so intense that soldiers were being burned by their armor.  Their defense was killing them but then a thunderstorm came through and poured on the Romans and they were no longer frying or parched.  This is not why the number 172 is on the bottom of the Lincoln Memorial in the five dollar bill.  I am convinced the number 172 refers to the 172 hits Babe Ruth hit in his first season with the New York Yankees.  Because I hate the Yankees the number 172 actually refers to the number of episodes in the greatest television comedy of all time, Three's Company.  And yet this is not what my blog is all about.

What I wanted to talk about are my plans for death. I want to be cremated. Yes, I want to actually go dust to dust at a much faster and hotter pace. My joking nature comes into play. Surgical screws don't melt at the temperature used for cremation so it may give my children Seldom Seen and Bonita quite a shock. What also may shock them is that before I die I plan on eating a handful of screws and quarters, a bike chain, and one of those metallic spring door stop thingies. Seldom Seen will ask Bonita, "Do you think Dad was really a robot?" Then they will scatter my ashes at a robotics plant.  Do you even understand why the metallic spring door stop thingie is humorous?  I do.

Now as you read this you need to imagine that I have SportsCenter playing on my television.

My semi-non-fictional autobiography will be coming soon to a Dollar Store near you.

I wrote an entry. Did you notice? Did you care?

metallic spring door stop thingy