May 7, 2010

• Celebrity Round Up 5/7/2010

  Wisconsin weather...I don't know about it.  Last week there were days I was outside and walking around working up a sweat and then this week I am bundled up.  Today I was out ordering flowers for Mother's Day (is 5 dozen enough?) and the rain felt like snow and actually as I look out my window over my bar the raindrops look like they are becoming solid.  I am hoping I won't have to shovel.  On to the round-up.
  
  Spencer Pratt announced that he is planning to make a Jersey Shore inspired energy drink.  He plans on calling it Guido Juice.  I think this energy drink should contain ingredients that every guido should familiarize himself with namely rat poison.  Spencer should be the first person to test the drink.  I wonder if he understands that when he shaves his peach fuzz it will come back and will be darker and eventually he'll be just like a big boy.
  
  Speaking of Jersey Shore, Snooki and JWoww offended yet another race.  Ladies, wouldn't it be easier to pass each other the lime with your hands?  Oh wait, your mouths are probably cleaner...and that is saying a lot.
  
  I heart Rihanna.  She was in a Paris sex shop this week eying sex toys.  Just so you know the bottom toy, next to Rihanna's shoulder, is called The Godfather.
  
  Miley Cyrus still works for Disney, right?  This is a still shot from her new masturbation scene music video.  The song is entitled "Can't be Tamed".  I bet Miley could be tamed.  All it would take is a ticket to an R-rated movie and a bottle of Boone's Farm.  Even though I think the photo is wrong, it's Pedo Bear approved.
  
  A shocking story about Mel Gibson surfaced this week.  The reason why his girlfriend/mistress/baby momma Oksana Grigorieva broke up with him is because...wait for it...he cheated on her.  Yes, upstanding Catholic of the year 2004, cheated on his mistress with a Polish porn producer named Violet Kowal, who claimed that the sex with Mel was the greatest she has ever had.  So maybe that cigar isn't a cigar and Mel is going through women because he is hiding something...paging Dr. Freud.  I wonder how Mel will get out of this one.  I think Danny Glover is too old for that shit.  I was going to go with a Catholic joke but I plan on pulling out the big guns later.
  
  Only two words in the English language can fully encapsulate Matthew Broderick and those two words are BADASS MOTHERFUCKER...hey I don't feel bad about those words since they appear on wallets, but wait, is that four words or two...anyway...Why does Matthew have two helmets?  Well the dude is so badass he has to have a back-up helmet in case the first helmet breaks when he is escaping from spiders.  You can never be too safe these days.
  
  In sad news, this week Lynn Redgrave passed away at the age of 67.  She had been battling breast cancer.  Lynn will be greatly missed.
  
  Lindsay Lohan got off the schneid and found some work this week.  She will be playing Linda Lovelace in a movie about the making of the porno classic, Deep Throat.  It's the part Lindsay was born to play.  I hear she plans on doing her own stunts for the movie.  When she found out that the role involved the character putting dicks in her mouth, I bet Lindsay paid for that role.
  
  Kristen Stewart has been cast in a movie and this one has me PISSED!  Kristen will be playing Mary Lou in a movie adaptation of Jack Kerouac's "On the Road".  I guess she is perfect for that role since Mary Lou did a lot of drugs and Kristen always looks stoned.  On the other hand, the part isn't for her because if I recall correctly, Mary Lou showed emotion in the book.  I bet Jack Kerouac is rolling in his grave because of this movie or it's still all the benzedrine.
  
  And while we are on the topic of upcoming movies, Vivid Entertainment claims they are going to release a movie starring Kendra Wilkinson.  If you aren't familiar with Vivid's library of work just know that they have released most every celebrity sextape on the market.  Early in the week, Kendra claimed she didn't know anything about the tape.  Vivid countered by saying that after Kendra made the pages of Playboy she tried to sell the tape to them.  Yes, Kendra is a dullard.  She has to know since she recorded the DVD commentary.  "See that desk that my boyfriend is banging me on?  Funny story...we were on vacation in Mexico and found the cutest little shop...(insert Kendra laughing moronically)."
  
  Horrible...I can't even bring myself to write about this twat and no way could I write the joke about him that involved the Vatican. 
  
  After seeing Katy Perry in this dress I think I need some Ecstasy or some acid.  So...ummm...did Katy go commando?  Hey, I just noticed, she's starting to act weird again.  That must mean an album is going to be released shortly.
  
  Johnny Depp proved this week that he is better than me.  He saw a guy harassing another guy on the street and walked up and intervened.  The mugger backed down and ran away.  If it was me I would have helped the mugger and split the cash 50/50 or else I would have mugged the mugger.  You know what, I don't care if Johnny Depp is better than me, I have more adoring fans on Xanga than he does.
  
  Johnny Weir proved that the Kentucky Derby is nothing more than an excuse to get drunk while wearing fancy hats although that is one hat I wouldn't wear.  Who am I kidding?  It matches my purse.
  
  Remember when Joaquin Phoenix was running all over the place acting all bat-shit crazy and not knowing rat shit from rice-krispies and thinking he was going to be the next white hype in the rap game?  Well it was all a fake.  It was all a mockumentary directed by Casey Affleck.  They are trying to keep the wraps on it because they are still shopping the project around Hollywood and upcoming film fests.  They don't want anything leaked for shock value.  Hell, the only thing that could come out of Hollywood that would shock me is if Paris Hilton were to become a nun or Lindsay Lohan reveals that the last few years have been a social experiment/documentary.
  
  Guess the ass-crack!  If you turn your head to right it appears as if the celebrity has a smile albeit vertical which is shocking for this star since she never smiles with her face.  It's Jessica Alba.
  
  Jenna Jameson still looks like she is a mess but actually her son Journey had problems.  He was projectile vomiting and Jenna panicked and called 911 for an ambulance.  Isn't that a bit extreme?  I drove my big wheel down 4 or 5 flights of stairs and my parents put a band-aid on my head to keep the goop inside. At the hospital they gave Journey fluids and sent him home.  So why was Journey projectile vomiting?  He found out his name was Journey.
  
  Holy shit...Madonna sure has let herself go.  Actually it's Iggy Pop.  He looks like he's melting but rest assured, he still rocks.
  
  Gary Busey paraded his youngling out for the cameras.  At least the baby has his mother's smile and teeth.  NO GARY, BAD GARY!  Babies aren't for eating.  What do you expect from the guy who once told me that Friday and Monday are twins, but Friday is the twin that likes to party and is always down to bone.
  
  Courtney Love made some coherent words form a few sentences this week.  She said, "Pretty girls just lie there. Us girls who grew up a little more homely have to try a lot harder. That's why pretty girls never threaten me -- it's like, yeah, you want to take me on? Take me on. Go for it."  I'll pass "taking you on" but you know, she may be on to something and I can't believe I am saying that.  I think the same is true about fat, ugly guys.  We will never cheat on you because we are so loyal and thankful...please?
  
  I am only including this story because of an incident on Xanga this week.  The autopsy report and toxicology report were released this week on May 4th.  It said that Corey died of natural causes.  He died on March 10th and the results weren't finalized until May 4th.  So the next time someone on Xanga claims that an autopsy and toxicology report were finalized within 12 hours of a death...call B.S. on that shit immediately.
  
  Christina Hendricks turned 35 this week.  OMG OMG South Dakota OMG OMG Rojo Caliente OMG OMG...I am so happy I need a book.  She is opulence personified and that opulence runneth over.  My only nitpick is the blue dress on the right shoulder.  Is that one of Rip Taylor's wigs?  Weather be damned, I'm in the mood for some motorboating.
  
  It's official.  Chastity Bono is now Chaz and can pee standing up.  Chaz went to court with paperwork saying he is a dude.  He proved to the court that he was in fact a dude.  I think it was just the doctor's paperwork describing all of the procedures.  See this is wasted tax payer money.  Chaz could have went to court, whipped out his dong and bada bing bada boom, he's declared a dude.  There is just so much red tape.
  
  If Sarah Palin were to select Betty White as her running mate then I would have to...OH HELL NO!  Actually Betty called Palin a crazy bitch but it was after Palin shot Betty's dog and stole her Metamucil...well no, Betty called her a crazy bitch for some gag on the Craig Ferguson show...30 second mark and then enjoy her comments about President Obama.
  
  You know Betty White is a freak between the sheets and has Werther's Original flavored condoms at the ready.  And I guess this is Morgan Freeman's attempt to disspell those rumors that he is dating his step-granddaughter.  Get a room you two...preferably in a retirement community.  Be sure to watch Betty White host Saturday Night Live this weekend.
  
  Justin Bieber was on a show in New Zealand and he said he didn't know what "German" was.  Justin got all weepy eyed and didn't want his droves of pre-teen girls to leave him and scream for someone else so he issued this tweet.  So Justin goes from dullard to antisemitic in a single tweet.  Way to go, Justin!  Rumor has it that his next album is going to be about his struggles and will be called Mein Kampf.

  Video Section:
  This rapper Drake, who played Jimmy on Degrassi, was performing this week.  I think we know what his kryptonite is...BOOBS!  Just watch his reaction.
  
  Elisabeth Hasselbeck really makes me sick.  She insulted Erin Andrews and then makes the apology all about Elisabeth.
  
  I hope everyone has a great weekend.

  • 11:49 PM
  • 34 Comments