May 15, 2010

• Celebrity Round-Up 5/14/10

  So tomorrow I have to work.  I was supposed to go to a wedding but I was conflicted.  The last time I went to a wedding I went into a deep depression.  I really don't want to go through that again and I have often been told to avoid things that cause you to be depressed or cause you pain.  Am I being selfish?  Yes.  It's too late and I am not going to another wedding without a designated driver date, unless anyone here in Xangaland offers their services but I think it's a tad bit late.  Anyway, here's the round-up and in case you haven't figured by now, some images are not safe for work(NSFW) or life(NSFL):
  
  Please make it happen!  Please, WWE, MAKE THIS HAPPEN!
  
  Hey, it's great to see that Katy Perry finally got to kiss a girl. 
  
  This is the hottest photo of a midget faking taking a dump I've ever seen.  I am getting so hot.  I think I will have to stop and go take a cold shower.
  
  Hey, kids, look!  Tila Tequila unveiled her new line of girl's clothing.  Actually she was trying to out-whore Jodie Marsh.
  
  No one out-whores England's finest rose, Jodie Marsh.  How natural!  It looks like she had an ass implanted on her chest.  So I am out of the fashion loop but when did belts become the new bra and WHY ISN'T THAT LOOK SWEEPING AMERICA?
  
  Man, Stephen Baldwin must be really broke.  He can't afford a t-shirt or pants.  Or maybe he just baptized himself in a pool of holy water.  Anyway, if you are a devout Christian like Stephen, maybe you could help by giving him money.  I bet he lost all his money in a ponzi real estate scheme when he was trying to find housing in Canada because he despises Obama.  I have to hand it to him, he is actually living by that conservative saying, "America: Love it or leave it."  The first thing old Stephen left behind is his money.
  
  Sean Penn was ordered to attend anger management classes because he kicked a paparazzo.  If he doesn't attend the classes, his ass goes to jail.  I would have loved to watch him beat up that paparazzo.  I so would have been, "Awesome!  Totally awesome!" And then when he leaves me, I'd so be like "Aloha, Mr. Penn."  Thinking of it and seeing as he has angry issues, he'd kick my ass, that dick.
  
  OK I'm all for looking slutty and I really respect Rihanna for wearing this outfit but that can't be comfortable.  If you damage the good how can that be any good.  I mean I had to learn the hard way that I can only wear baggy pants.  How do you explain the damage caused by an outfit like that to a doctor?  I bet the first words are "Doc, it was a one in a million shot." 
  
  This is Violet Kowal.  She is the porn star that was banging Mel Gibson.  He has denied that he knows the woman.  Hmmm I wonder how many times his cock will have to crow before he finally fesses up.  I believe Violet.  Porn stars are sort of like George Washington, they can not tell a lie.  They bring too much joy into this cruel world.  Did you know their hearts are made of sugar plums and kitten whiskers?  Doctors are baffled but it's true...clearly I am not a porn star.
  
  Lindsay Lohan has been telling people that she wants to salvage her acting career so she has hired the PR agent that salvaged Britney's career after the whole shaved head/ drug overdose incident.  I hate to say this but the only way Lindsay will ever be able to make the money she once commanded in movies is if she bought a gun and ski mask and robbed banks.  I bet she could also get that working certain truck stops as a lot lizard.  She is starting to look the part...scary.
  
  Lena Horne passed away this week at the age of 92.  She was a great singer and actress and civil rights activist.  She broke down many racial barriers.  If I remember correctly, she was the first African American woman to sing solo in front of an all white orchestra.  She will be greatly missed.
  
  I hate to go from Lena Horne to this jackass but...anyway Lawrence Taylor's defense in his rape case was announced.  He never had sex with the girl.  He just jacked off in front of her.  Please.  He pays $300 to have this girl come to his hotel room and then he wanks in front of her?  He could do that for free on Chatroullete.
  
  Hey Lady Gaga is dressed appropriately.  I think she is just trying to dispel those penis rumors.  The only way she could bring more attention on herself is if she would walk around with a neon sign behind her that said "Look at me!  Look at me!"
  
  Early word on Joaquin Phoenix's documentary is shocking.  A leak says that in one scene a well known actor defecates on Joaquin at a party.  Apparently the doc is showing how vile Hollywood has become.  There are other scenes of full frontal male nudity.  Hmmm sounds like some sort of crazy European gay porn movie more than a documentary.
  
  
  The stills from Kendra Wilkinson's sex tape have been made public.  Apparently the tape is more of a gang bang than a sextape.  Kendra has multiple partners throughout the movie.  If you are anywhere near where she and Hank live expect to hear weeping followed by "I thought I was the only one who you let do that to you.  Oh and I bet that Hugh Hefner isn't really your grandfather."  The movie was shot when she was 18 so turn your Polanski down a notch.  So I'm trying to remember what I was doing at the age of 18.  Football state championship game...graduating high school...driving...hay bale tossing...not making sextapes.  Oh, Kendra, you are so special.
  
  Jenna Jameson and Tito Ortiz were spotted at the beach this week.  It only seems like two weeks ago she called the cops on him because she claimed he beat her.  Oh wait, it was two weeks ago.  You know they sort of look like the Brady Bunch except I don't remember the episode where Mike called up all his friends and they ran a train on Carol all the while Alice fluffed.  Hmmm...it's been such a long time since I saw that show.
  
  Sir Ian McKellen was sitting outside of a theater in Australia where he is rehearsing a role.  A lady dropped some money in his hat because she thought he was a bum.  Wow!  He is a great actor if he could fool that lady into thinking he's homeless.
  
  It's a sad day in this nerd's life.  NBC canceled Heroes.  They also canceled Law & Order, Mercy, and Trauma.  What are they going to do?  That's four hours of programming.  Oh they'll probably just throw some shitty reality show on or maybe we'll be treated to more Jay Leno.  Fuck you, NBC.
  
  It sure is surprising to see what Winnie Cooper is up to these days.  She should get back to the mathatory and whip up some math problems before she catches a cold.
  
  Is it me or is Coco's butt smiling at me?
  
  Christina Aguilera posed semi-nude for the German edition of GQ.  Those Germans are awesome.  You know if Christina sang to me while wearing that outfit and was off-key, I wouldn't care.
  
  Bombshell McGee, the woman who broke up Sandra Bullock's marriage, is now making cryptic statements as to if she slept with Tiger Woods.  She won't say she never did but she won't say if she did for sure.  I really don't think Tiger is Bombshell's type.  He's not fully white and she has that swastika tattoo.  But then Bombshell is the type of whore that would jack off a dog on American Idol if someone was willing to take her photo so...yeah.
  
  Betty White has a new agent and it's name is Facebook.  She hosted Saturday Night Live(did you see that episode) after a group on Facebook petitioned for her to host.  Now a petition has started to have her host the Academy Awards.  Also there are rumors that she is being courted for the next season of Dancing with the Stars.  Damn, with all this work, Betty is going to need quite a nap.

  Video Section:
  A video has surfaced of Miley Cyrus grinding with a 44 year old man.  Her mullet sporting dad, Billy Ray said that there's nothing wrong with it because that is how people Miley's age dance.  I'll let you be the judge.
  
  Miley Cyrus - So You Think You Can Lap Dance? -MySpace Exclusive
  
  TMZ | MySpace Video

  I hope everyone has a great weekend.  And this song is about how I feel right now.
  

  • 1:10 AM
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