May 22, 2010

• Celebrity Round Up 5/21/10

  I can't come up with a cutesy paragraph so on to the round-up...warning some pics may not be safe for work or for life...NSFW and NSFL.
  
  Guess who supports Roman Polanski raping underage girls?  That's right, Woody Allen.  Any surprise there?  Woody claims that Roman has paid for his crime.  Hmmm when did Roman go to prison?  Woody Allen saying Polanski isn't guilty is like Jesse James saying that Tiger Woods never cheated.  It's like Jocelyn Wildenstein saying that Heidi Montag has never had plastic surgery.
  
  You know, I really have no clue why Tila Tequila is lying in the grass while waiting to get into a party thrown by the only publication in America that kisses her ass, Maxim Magazine.  I was hoping that she fell into a tiger pit at a zoo but I couldn't be that lucky.
  
  I don't watch Glee.  There is something about that show that makes me feel...icky.  I don't know what it is but I can't stand it.  Anyway my dislike of the series doesn't mean I can't drop a bombshell.  Susan Boyle is set to be a guest sometime this winter.  I haven't discovered what her role would be but I'm hoping it is the school lunch lady and that sometime in the episode she will sing Lunch Lady Land.
  
  I wish that lemur wasn't wearing a diaper for two reasons.  First, think of the hilarity that would ensue if it shat on Snooki.  Secondly, sans diaper it gives Snooki a perfect view of what her future will be like after Jersey Shore.
  
  Sarah Jessica Parker apparently had breast implants.  She actually went to a plastic surgeon to consult about having a feed bag implanted around her chin but they put in those saddle bags instead.  SJP also said the new Sex in the City movie will be entertaining but fans shouldn't expect nudity because that isn't what people want to see.  Who am I to disagree with Mrs. Ed?
  
  Oh that's so sweet, Sandra with her new child.  My only question is why is she dressing like Justin Timberlake?  Is she already out trying to pick up men?  Too bad the type of guys she's trying to attract dressed like Timberlake don't dig chicks.
  
  I remember when the George Lopez show debuted and was shocked to see that Sandra Bullock was one of the executive producers.  I wonder what she thinks of Lopez now.  A few years ago, George was dying of kidney failure so his wife gave him one of her kidneys.  Guess how he thanked her?  He gave his dick to some random skanks.  Those random skanks have been telling people that George is a freak in the bedroom and that he paid them top dollar.  Look at George.  OF course he had to pay for sex...we smell our own.
  
  God William Shatner is the star of a new CBS comedy set to debut this fall.  He will be the star of the first ever show based on a Twitter account.  William Shatner will be the star of a show based on Shit My Dad Says.  Bill will play the dad.  The problem with this show is that it has an expletive in the title.  CBS is toying with calling it @#*! My Dad Says or *Bleep* My Dad Says.  Shatner says, "Shit is a very natural function of the body. We shouldn't discard it."  I think he means the word shit in the title.  I hope they call it Shat My Dad Says or Shat Hits the Fan.
  
  Ronnie James Dio died at that age of 67 this week after a long battle with stomach cancer.  So much has been said about him and I can't top some of the tributes out there.  All I'll say is that he will be greatly missed. m/
  
  Nicolas Cage admitted to having one of the strangest eating habits in the universe.  He will only eat animals that have dignified sex.  He said he likes to eat fish, birds, and whales but he doesn't like pigs and he's not Jewish.  What animal out there has dignified sex?  Honestly what would you expect from a guy who surrounds himself in a mansion with dinosaur skulls and albino alligators.  Oh and if animals have all that dignified sex, wouldn't that make the meat tougher? 
  
  It was announced this week that Megan Fox won't be returning for Transformers 3.  Thank god, maybe I'll watch a Transformers movie this century.  Maybe before she pursues bigger roles she should look into some acting lessons first.
  
  Always the opportunistic whore!  Heidi is already a CGI robot with the personality of a broken down car so she'd be perfect.
  
  Miley Cyrus will kill you.  Well not really but her fake jewelry will.  Some her jewelry was discovered to contain high levels of toxic material so Walmart is pulling it from their stores.  Wow, are you as shocked as I am that Miley Cyrus had a line of jewelry at Walmart?  Actually, I am sort of shocked because her last name isn't Spears.  The Cyrus family are a higher class of hillbillies, they shop at Target and they pronounce it Tar-jay to class it up.  Here I only thought listening to Miley Cyrus' music was hazardous to your health.
  
  Supposedly this is Lindsay Lohan with her new girlfriend, Indrani.  Indrani is also Lindsay's personal photographer.  I never heard of Indrani until yesterday so I guess it worked for her.
  
  Basically Linsday is a huge mess.  She is over in Cannes promoting her new movie about Deep Throat, the movie not the political insider.  She missed all her court mandated alcohol awareness courts so a judge issued a warrant for her arrest.  Well Lindsay said she couldn't get out of France because of the volcanic activity in Iceland.  Bullshit!  Then Lindsay claimed that her passport was stolen.  The judge said bullshit because her husband is a travel agent and has said that if a passport is lost or stolen, one can get an emergency passport.  Well Lindsay ignored all of this and remained in France so the judge issued the warrant.  Lindsay then claimed that her dad had some criminals steal her passport so that she would get arrested and placed in a rehab facility.  She would have been arrested once she set foot in America but her mom posted bond.  She is such a mess.
  
  Now that she is on bond a photo has surfaced from a party.  Lindsay claims she is at an embassy trying to work things out.  I wonder if they have parties with lines of coke on the tables at the embassy.  Well Lindsay, not one to take responsibility, said the coke was planted to make her look bad.  Then she claimed that her dad had the photos photoshopped to make her look like she has a drug problem.  Isn't one of the side-effects of drug use extreme paranoia?
  
  Coming to a theater near you...rated R for adult situations, strong language, and lots of nudity...LOTS OF NUDITY!
  
  I think Lily Allen got a new job at Disneyland.  I can't joke because I find her angelic.  Um...I need some private time to um...collect my thoughts.
   
  Ke$ha is trying to be totally original by pulling out a better looking mannequin head and acting like she and the head are having conversations.  OK, kids, don't think she is "cool" or "original" because this was the whole persona of a wrestler in the WWE named Al Snow.  His gimmick was that he was insane and talked to a mannequin head and the head talked back.  He also had the best catchphrase in all of wrestling:  "What does everybody want? HEAD!"  Yes, the mannequin head was named Head.  Hmmm why not raid the WWE for more ideas, Ke$ha?  You could pretend to be from Iraq or give birth to a hand or dress as a giant turkey or better yet change your name to the SHOCKMASTER!  OK if any single ladies want me to expound on any of the wrestling things, email me, let's talk.
  
  Jordan Knight of New Kids on the Block turned 40 this week.  Has it been that long?  I still remember all the rumors about the guys in that band having to get their stomachs pumped because they ingested too much semen.  How time flies when your career is non-existent!
  
  Johnny Weir was a judge at the Miss America pageant which immediately disqualified him from winning the crown.  Still, I bet he voted for himself because he is absolutely fabulous.  Hell, he'd be a better Miss America plus photos of him pole dancing would have a totally different meaning.
  
  Jennifer Aniston showed off her killer abs this week.  What she didn't say was how she exercised to get her abs to look so ripped.  She chases all 100 of her cats around her house all day and punches walls whenever she is dumped by another guy or whenever she sees one of the guys who has dumped her with another woman.  So basically she is always working out.
  
  The girl is former Playboy Playmate Jenna Bentley, the guy is her boyfriend.  Who ever said money can't buy love never saw this couple.  There's hope for me yet.  All women want a fat old man as a lover, I mean a walking ATM machine as a lover.  Oh wait, I'm not quite a walking ATM machine but I am rolling in the eprops.  Holla at me ladies.
  
  Courtney Love is making the claim that she and Kate Moss have had sex.  She said that they were doing drugs and one thing led to another.  She also said it is a story to tell the grandchildren.  OK is that something you really want to tell your grandchildren?  I guess if you want them screaming in the middle of the bed while curled in the fetal position in a puddle of urine.
  
  Coco does something on Twitter every Thursday.  She calls it Thong Thursday and posts photos of her wearing thongs.  Twitter is the greatest thing ever.  Thank you, Coco.
  
  Charlie Sheen was thinking of leaving his hit TV show, Two and a Half Men, so he could pursue bigger and better things.  I was hoping he would make another Hot Shots movie.  Well that won't be happening any time soon because he signed a deal to stay with the show.  In doing so he became the highest paid actor on TV.  He will be earning over $2million an episode.  In the last few years we've heard how different industries have received bailouts.  Well Charlie Sheen won't be sitting on that money so it looks like the prostitution industry just received their bailout.
  
  Cher turned 64 this week.  I bet her birthday wish is that she could turn back time so she can look like she did in this photo once more.  I am going to go vomit because I just referenced a Cher song and sadly enough I think I used that same joke last year.
  
  Hey, I think Brooke Hogan stole her belly button jewelry from my grandmother's collection of earrings.  Oh well, I think I can forgive her, forgive her multiple times.
  
  Sad news for Bret Michaels, he was rushed to the hospital after he said the left side of his body went numb.  The hospital said he had something.  I had no clue what that something was so I interviewed a doctor at the local hospital...they put up with me and the Amish, that's why they get bank...she said it was a mini-stroke.  Also the hospital discovered that Bret has a hole in his heart.  Send some positive thoughts his way so he can make the finale of Celebrity Apprentice.  And remember a few weeks ago when Bret had his brain aneurysm?  Well this week it was revealed what strenuous activity he was doing when his brain malfunctioned.  Bret was watching Busty Cops 3.  As a connosieur of the Busty Cops series, I know that part 3 is the hardest to watch; he should have stuck with part 2, that's more the speed for us old guys.
  
  Tracy Morgan and Betty White are the new Hollywood "It" couple.  OK maybe not but how awesome would that be if they were?  Betty better watch because as Tracy says, "Someone's gonna get pregnant!"  Just as a precaution Betty should suck on a few morning-after pills while she sucks on her Werther's Originals...did you know I get a commission for every time I mention Werther's Originals in my round-up?  But if Betty does get pregnant, I hope the pregnancy doesn't ruin her bikini body.

  Video Section:
  Revolving Door...1...Justin Bieber...0
  
  I think DARE is going to use this audition video of Chris Kline for a role in Mamma Mia to show kids the dangers of drug use.  God...that can't be real.
  

  See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

  Oh and if you want to see some stills of Kendra Wilkinson's sex tape go here.  There's interesting news about a second tape, she's with a girl and some very freaky things are done, things that will embarrass Kendra if they are released.  I'm thinking 2 girls 1 cup embarrassing. 

  Have a great weekend and thanks for reading!

  • 1:13 AM
  • 38 Comments