You know feeling like a piece of meat is awesome.  Yes, someone said they wanted to have sex with me over at some other blog.  I don't usually find myself on lists like that so I am gloating.  Thank you whoever said that because it made my day.   I have thought that I lost my sex appeal especially since the hookers won't charge me anything and make me promise not to tell anyone.

Link time...
1.  Have you ever wondered how celebrities spend their tax returns?  Well here is a site that has some possibilities. 

2.  I often talk about hipsters.  Here is a guide to everything you wanted to know about hipsters.  Sadly the Minneapolis hipsters aren't covered.  They were the coolest.  They all wore flannel and had full beards, even the girls.  OK not the girls, they usually wore poodle skirts.  I figured all the hispters were taking benzendrine while drinking their Grain Belt...yes, Minneapolis hipsters don't drink the swill that is PBR, they drink quality beer...GRAIN BELT!

3.  I like movies.  Do you like movies?  Do you like me asking so many questions?  Do you feel like this is one fucking huge test?  Do you want to have sex with me?  OK so have you watched a movie and thought, "God, how the hell did that guy get that part?"  Well here is a list of some baffling movie casting. 

4.  Yahoo Answers is proof positive that every single school in America needs to teach comprehensive sex education.

5.  Stalking people via twitter has become quite easy thanks to this little device that calculates when the person sleeps based on their activity.  I think my sleep time is a little off.

6.  This is my internet homepage.  Make sure you have them speakers turned up.

7.  I am odd in what attracts me to women.  I'll admit it, one thing I love is cleavage.  Another thing I love is money.  How to combine the two?  The Cleavage Caddy...ladies you can store so much in the cleavage caddy.  Of course you would have me staring more.  "Oh hey, it looks like you got a text message."

8.  I am going to move to Las Vegas just for the opportunity to join this band.  Speaking of bands, I got a message earlier today about a Christian punk rock band called "Reverse Queers".  Anyone have any info on them?

9.  Today I walked up to a couple guys who were cutting pieces of wood.  The first guy said to the second guy with the saw, "Make sure it's long enough." I said, "That's what she said."  I should have said, "That's what Bea said."

10.  This website is why I am not allowed to teach science.

11.  There are some devout Seinfeld fans out there and it's really sad when they use the term "giggle-pusses".

12.  People tell me I talk in my sleep but most often it is unintelligible.  The last person that slept with me said that I went on a cuss spree and dropped about 15 f-bombs in a row.  This guy is recorded talking in his sleep.  Most of it is pretty funny and oddly some makes sense.

I think I am going to have to do two of these posts a week because the links are piling up. 

Statistically, one out of ten guys is a total dumb-ass, and you're looking at him.

Go here to get caught up on episode 1, Pilot.

Top left: The camp of Deadwood  Top right: E.B. Farnum (recognize him?  He was Larry and he had two brothers, Daryl and Daryl)
Bottom left: Sol Star and Seth Bullock   Bottom right: Doc Cochran played by Brad Dourif.

So did you watch the first episode?  If not, oh well, there won't be a quiz.  The pilot episode was well done, this episode brings some humanity to Deadwood.  I love how Doc and Calamity Jane go out of their way to save the little girl from Al Swearengen.  Also this episode sees the first meeting between Bullock and Swearengen and both leave the meeting wanting to slit the other's throat.  Also we see how loyal Dan is to Al in that Dan is willing to kill a small child to protect Al.  I love how Deadwood had such a rigid continuity.  The series lasted three years so it seemed like there were 3 movies.  This is another reason I loved the show, each storyline is refreshed in each episode.  The storylines were developed via scaffolds and they leave you hanging for more.

Plot Summary: As suspicions arise that "road agents" may have been the true perpetrators of the massacre, Swearengen takes a special interest in the health of its sole survivor, a young girl ministered to by the unlikely team of Doc Cochran and Calamity Jane. Meanwhile, Bullock and Star attempt to buy property from Swearengen, who suspects an alliance between Hickok and these hardware boys. At the Grand Central Hotel, Brom Garret rethinks his recent investment, while his wife Alma medicates her anxieties. And as a confrontation brews over the young survivor, Hickok asks Bullock to cover his back in a tension filled poker game.

Trivia:
Deaths: 2, Tom Mason by Wild Bill and Persimmon Phil by Al Swearengen

At the end of the first episode we see Trixie place a derringer on the night stand next to Al. This is also what we see her handed earlier, and what is in her dress. The next morning, at the start of this episode, the pistol has changed to a revolver (just like the one she used at the start of the last episode.)

In the first season, Al and others refer to the Swedish family that was massacred as "Squareheads". This was a popular slang term used to refer to Germans, Dutch, or Swedes. However, the term wasn't in use until around 1905. Deadwood takes place in the 1870's.

Quotes:
Al Swearengen: Here's my counteroffer to your counteroffer: go fuck yourself! (I so want to use that one in a negotiation session)

Doc Cochran: I see as much misery outta them movin' to justify theirselves as them that set out to do harm.

Con Stapleton: That man's gun never left his holster Mr. Hickok.
Hickok: He meant me harm.
Tom Mason: (to Hickok) You killed my brother.
Hickok : And now I killed you.

Ellsworth: (to Brom Garret) Don't weaken Pilgrim. 'Twixt nuggets and nothing she's usually going to show you some flake.

Total number of the word "fuck" is said: 49
"Fucks" per minute: 0.817
Cumulative "fucks": 104
Cumulative "fucks" per minute: 0.867FPM

Enjoy the show!

I was going to do this a long time ago but better late then never, right? 

Dick Pole whose catcher while playing with the Mariners was Bud Cheeks
"The Big Unit" Randy Johnson
Rollie Fingers
Antonio Bastardo

Kosuke Fukdome
Butts Wagner
Chief Bender
Woody Held

Stubby Clapp
Johnny Dickshot
Pete LaCock
Coco Crisp

Dick Littlefield
Pussy Tebeau
Razor Shines
Charles Gassaway

AND MY TEAM MVP IS....

Honorable Mention:
Gaylord Perry
Richie Sexson
John Jaha(whenever he came to bat..JOHN JA-HAhahahahaha)
Angel Pagan
Tim Spooneybarger
Jung Bong
John Boozer
J.J. Putz
Doe Boyland(Michael Jackson's favorite player)
Dick Burns
Dick Flower
Chien Ming Wang
Boof Bosner
Pickles Dillhoefer
Doug Gwosdz(pronounced Goosh!)
Heinie Manush
Coot Veal

So who is your favorite player?

The Brewers have tanked and the Sox seem to be in a tailspin so I have begun a countdown for September 4th when the Wisconsin Badgers play UNLV.
Hey did someone get footage of me celebrating another Badger victory?

All will be well in the land of Bucky if they can build off last season.

Also seeing this has me smiling.

In case you don't get the reference:

And she has to be the cutest thing ever

In case you don't know, Varsity is the greatest song in all of college sports.




I am way too excited for this season.  If you find it watch Being Bucky, the greatest documentary of all time.

I went to the local establishment to grab a beer after a hell of a day...bee sting, called the n-word, bit by TWO dogs on non-consecutive occasions, and sunburn...the guys at the bar were reliving their old high school football days and I got to thinking.  The only good part about living in the past is that the rent is cheaper.  I also thought that smoking is great for weight loss.  It makes you lose one lung at a time.

Love is spelled L-O-V-E, which means there is no I or Me or even us in love...so sad.

I was talking to Bret Bielema about the upcoming season.  He's worried because he has 100 players in camp but only has numbers 1-99.

Sex has it's ups and downs, a lot of them if you're doing it right.

The Mayans were way off when they predicted the world would end in 2012.  They never saw Back to the Future 2.

I wish I could score on the curve.

And now for your weakly(spelling error..IT STAYS!) dose of motivation:

I just thought of something, a corndog is a hotdog with a delicious sweater.

I think I better get going.  I am late for my new job as an ice sculptor.  I am going to go make some cubes.

I'll BRB right back to make you LOL out loud ASAP as possible. I'm going to go get FUBAR beyond all recognition and I hope I don't get a DUI

It's been a rough day.  I got up at sunrise because I had a cat on my back.  It seems they love to crawl on me while I sleep.  They love to knead their claws in my back and guess who didn't have a shirt on last night because he was warm.  I stand up and felt dizzy and then the blood started, bloody nose.  AWESOME!  The blood got all over my sheets so I had to do laundry.  After cleaning up and throwing sheets in the laundry, I decided I needed to get to preliminary work on the garden.  I planted two blueberry bushes and two of those upside down tomato plants.  I hope this year no one decides to steal one of those tomato plants.  Yes, I had a topsy turvy tomato planter stolen last year.  Bunch of savages in this town.  Then after cleaning I had to go out and work for the census.  I've been doing that because the teaching gigs aren't plentiful at this time of the year.  I went out to do follow-ups and I had a huge clusterfuck of a mess in addresses and people responding with the wrong forms.  I was called a "n-word(I won't write it) lover" once again...that brings the tally that I have been called the n-word to 4 times.  I was stung by a bee.  I was bit by a dog.  A woman stopped me and told me her life story because she knew my grandfather.  My grill wouldn't light when I tried to make lunch.  I don't want to leave the comfort of my home because I fear I would get struck by lightning even though there isn't a cloud in the sky.  Oh I suppose there is the chance I'd get electrocuted in my house once again.  So what do I do when I have days like today?  I remember these two things:

Here's another batch of mash-ups for you my pretties.

This mash-up features "Another One Bites the Dust" by Queen and "Brass Monkey" by The Beastie Boys.  "Brass Monkey" is such a fun song but I think the best form of Brass Monkey is the drink.  You mix equal parts vodka, rum, and orange juice.  Oh well the song pays homage to the drink and not the movie from 1948. 

You know this Ke$ha has been really growing on me.  I don't know why.  This one takes her song "Tik Tok" and mashes it with another crazy broad's song, "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" by Cyndi Lauper.  I think this may be why Ke$ha is so odd...

This is my WTF Mash-Up of the Week...I should really make that a regular feature.  It takes "Hustler Musik" by Lil Wayne...or it said Weezy but even though I have turned my back on mainstream rap I know that is Lil Wayne even though I know the only Weezy is Louise Jefferson...yeah, what you gonna do about that Lil Wayne?  OK so my rapper posturing aside..."Hustler Musik" is mashed with the theme song from The Office as performed by the Scrantones.  One of my favorite Office quotes is in this song: Count Choculitis….Why did you write that down, Jim? Is it because you know I love Count Chocula?
Oh, Dwight, you so crazy!

Who wants to see one of my commutes?  Well you can see part of it by watching these videos.  I randomly found them while surfing around youtube.  I think these videos are fairly cool because they are from a video camera that was mounted on a motorcycle.

Have a great day!  I love you....ok that was a little too soon...I really like you.

So tomorrow I have to work.  I was supposed to go to a wedding but I was conflicted.  The last time I went to a wedding I went into a deep depression.  I really don't want to go through that again and I have often been told to avoid things that cause you to be depressed or cause you pain.  Am I being selfish?  Yes.  It's too late and I am not going to another wedding without a designated driver date, unless anyone here in Xangaland offers their services but I think it's a tad bit late.  Anyway, here's the round-up and in case you haven't figured by now, some images are not safe for work(NSFW) or life(NSFL):

Please make it happen!  Please, WWE, MAKE THIS HAPPEN!

Hey, it's great to see that Katy Perry finally got to kiss a girl. 

This is the hottest photo of a midget faking taking a dump I've ever seen.  I am getting so hot.  I think I will have to stop and go take a cold shower.

Hey, kids, look!  Tila Tequila unveiled her new line of girl's clothing.  Actually she was trying to out-whore Jodie Marsh.

No one out-whores England's finest rose, Jodie Marsh.  How natural!  It looks like she had an ass implanted on her chest.  So I am out of the fashion loop but when did belts become the new bra and WHY ISN'T THAT LOOK SWEEPING AMERICA?

Man, Stephen Baldwin must be really broke.  He can't afford a t-shirt or pants.  Or maybe he just baptized himself in a pool of holy water.  Anyway, if you are a devout Christian like Stephen, maybe you could help by giving him money.  I bet he lost all his money in a ponzi real estate scheme when he was trying to find housing in Canada because he despises Obama.  I have to hand it to him, he is actually living by that conservative saying, "America: Love it or leave it."  The first thing old Stephen left behind is his money.

Sean Penn was ordered to attend anger management classes because he kicked a paparazzo.  If he doesn't attend the classes, his ass goes to jail.  I would have loved to watch him beat up that paparazzo.  I so would have been, "Awesome!  Totally awesome!" And then when he leaves me, I'd so be like "Aloha, Mr. Penn."  Thinking of it and seeing as he has angry issues, he'd kick my ass, that dick.

OK I'm all for looking slutty and I really respect Rihanna for wearing this outfit but that can't be comfortable.  If you damage the good how can that be any good.  I mean I had to learn the hard way that I can only wear baggy pants.  How do you explain the damage caused by an outfit like that to a doctor?  I bet the first words are "Doc, it was a one in a million shot." 

This is Violet Kowal.  She is the porn star that was banging Mel Gibson.  He has denied that he knows the woman.  Hmmm I wonder how many times his cock will have to crow before he finally fesses up.  I believe Violet.  Porn stars are sort of like George Washington, they can not tell a lie.  They bring too much joy into this cruel world.  Did you know their hearts are made of sugar plums and kitten whiskers?  Doctors are baffled but it's true...clearly I am not a porn star.

Lindsay Lohan has been telling people that she wants to salvage her acting career so she has hired the PR agent that salvaged Britney's career after the whole shaved head/ drug overdose incident.  I hate to say this but the only way Lindsay will ever be able to make the money she once commanded in movies is if she bought a gun and ski mask and robbed banks.  I bet she could also get that working certain truck stops as a lot lizard.  She is starting to look the part...scary.

Lena Horne passed away this week at the age of 92.  She was a great singer and actress and civil rights activist.  She broke down many racial barriers.  If I remember correctly, she was the first African American woman to sing solo in front of an all white orchestra.  She will be greatly missed.

I hate to go from Lena Horne to this jackass but...anyway Lawrence Taylor's defense in his rape case was announced.  He never had sex with the girl.  He just jacked off in front of her.  Please.  He pays $300 to have this girl come to his hotel room and then he wanks in front of her?  He could do that for free on Chatroullete.

Hey Lady Gaga is dressed appropriately.  I think she is just trying to dispel those penis rumors.  The only way she could bring more attention on herself is if she would walk around with a neon sign behind her that said "Look at me!  Look at me!"

Early word on Joaquin Phoenix's documentary is shocking.  A leak says that in one scene a well known actor defecates on Joaquin at a party.  Apparently the doc is showing how vile Hollywood has become.  There are other scenes of full frontal male nudity.  Hmmm sounds like some sort of crazy European gay porn movie more than a documentary.


The stills from Kendra Wilkinson's sex tape have been made public.  Apparently the tape is more of a gang bang than a sextape.  Kendra has multiple partners throughout the movie.  If you are anywhere near where she and Hank live expect to hear weeping followed by "I thought I was the only one who you let do that to you.  Oh and I bet that Hugh Hefner isn't really your grandfather."  The movie was shot when she was 18 so turn your Polanski down a notch.  So I'm trying to remember what I was doing at the age of 18.  Football state championship game...graduating high school...driving...hay bale tossing...not making sextapes.  Oh, Kendra, you are so special.

Jenna Jameson and Tito Ortiz were spotted at the beach this week.  It only seems like two weeks ago she called the cops on him because she claimed he beat her.  Oh wait, it was two weeks ago.  You know they sort of look like the Brady Bunch except I don't remember the episode where Mike called up all his friends and they ran a train on Carol all the while Alice fluffed.  Hmmm...it's been such a long time since I saw that show.

Sir Ian McKellen was sitting outside of a theater in Australia where he is rehearsing a role.  A lady dropped some money in his hat because she thought he was a bum.  Wow!  He is a great actor if he could fool that lady into thinking he's homeless.

It's a sad day in this nerd's life.  NBC canceled Heroes.  They also canceled Law & Order, Mercy, and Trauma.  What are they going to do?  That's four hours of programming.  Oh they'll probably just throw some shitty reality show on or maybe we'll be treated to more Jay Leno.  Fuck you, NBC.

It sure is surprising to see what Winnie Cooper is up to these days.  She should get back to the mathatory and whip up some math problems before she catches a cold.

Is it me or is Coco's butt smiling at me?

Christina Aguilera posed semi-nude for the German edition of GQ.  Those Germans are awesome.  You know if Christina sang to me while wearing that outfit and was off-key, I wouldn't care.

Bombshell McGee, the woman who broke up Sandra Bullock's marriage, is now making cryptic statements as to if she slept with Tiger Woods.  She won't say she never did but she won't say if she did for sure.  I really don't think Tiger is Bombshell's type.  He's not fully white and she has that swastika tattoo.  But then Bombshell is the type of whore that would jack off a dog on American Idol if someone was willing to take her photo so...yeah.

Betty White has a new agent and it's name is Facebook.  She hosted Saturday Night Live(did you see that episode) after a group on Facebook petitioned for her to host.  Now a petition has started to have her host the Academy Awards.  Also there are rumors that she is being courted for the next season of Dancing with the Stars.  Damn, with all this work, Betty is going to need quite a nap.

Video Section:
A video has surfaced of Miley Cyrus grinding with a 44 year old man.  Her mullet sporting dad, Billy Ray said that there's nothing wrong with it because that is how people Miley's age dance.  I'll let you be the judge.

Miley Cyrus - So You Think You Can Lap Dance? -MySpace Exclusive

TMZ | MySpace Video

I hope everyone has a great weekend.  And this song is about how I feel right now.

I received a phone call tonight from a reader complaining that I didn't have enough nudity in my posts.  That's so odd.  I don't remember posting my phone number here on Xanga.  Anyway, here's the links.

1.  I always find it funny when I see models and celebrities and girls in general wearing stupid pants.  They are supposed to be fashion icons and not fashion idiots.

2.  This is quite possibly the grossest and funniest thing I have ever read on Craigslist.

3.  I have often worried about getting married...yes, despite being more than ugly, fugly, I have often thought of marriage.  Then of course I have to think of divorce.  What would I do with an ex-wife's wedding dress?  Well this guy has given me plenty of ideas.

4.  You remember how a few weeks ago I posted these funny music files called mash-ups?  Well there is this new fad sweeping the intertubes where people mash-up the audio of an R-rated movie and play it with a kid's TV show.  The results are hilarious. 

5.  Who knew garage sales could be so competitive?  Oh yeah, the assholes at emails from an asshole.

6.  WOW...The Clash were way ahead of their time.  See, kids, this is a reference to a 70s band that played this music called punk rock.  You have no clue what punk rock is these days.

7.  The best way I can sum up this website is the title: Barack Obama Looking at Awesome Things.

8.  When I heard one of my prospective Green Card wives talking about how much she liked Michael Buble, there was nothing I wanted more in the world then Buble to be ripped apart by a velociraptor.  Well, my wish may be coming true.  The velociraptors are stalking Michael Buble.

9.  Have you ever encountered an asshole who just didn't know how to park and they ruined your day?  Have you wanted to leave a piece of paper letting them know of their assholish activities?  Well now you can.  Just go here and click on the download a notice and you can be passive aggressive.

10.  I don't know if this website is real time but reading it I get depressed in real time.  It monitors all the twitter accounts of people trying to get Justin Bieber to follow them.  I wonder how many of my tweets make that site.

11.  Justin Bieber is talented, not musically but a talented master of disguise.

12.  So are you of a darker shade of skin and living in Arizona?  Do you fear being pulled over by the police for violating the whites only skin laws?  Well here is a handy site where you can learn how to fit in out there in Arizona.
 
If you read my last post, What's Making the Godfather Laugh, thank you and here is a link to a DJ service with the same name as the one in my favorite video, the video that makes me cry from laughter every time.  They take time to make sure you know they are not affiliated with that DJ.

It's time to go get some deep fried cheese curds from Culver's because that is the only way I can fight McDonald's globalization.

Gilbert Gottfried always makes me laugh especially his Aristocrats joke at the Friars Club roast of Hugh Hefner. 

Manscaping....I call this the "West Virginian"

When animals try to be human is always good for a laugh.

If you are getting married and planning on a wedding DJ, don't hire this guy.

If only Americans could learn something worthwhile instead of being ranked 24th in education among industrialized nations, but at least this kid is dead on in his assessment of the Vikings and Brett Favre.

Televangelists...LOL

Safe for work porn always makes me smile as does ice cream, rainbows, cherry pie and Faygo.