April 17, 2010
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Celebrity Round Up 4/16/10
A day late but not short. I ended up going out last night and enjoyed some Schlitz but it came back to haunt me, but I guess the haunting was good because it had me running quite a bit. Anyway on to the round up.
Taylor Swift is dead to me. She is reportedly dating John Mayer. You know he's slept with 90% of the women in Hollywood so if she swaps bodily fluids with him then she is snowballing with Jessica Simpson and Jennifer Aniston. Taylor, you better stock up on the Valtrex.
Suri Cruise is 4 years old and she is still using a bottle. I have studied Scientology in depth and I haven't come across any belief that dentists are evil or tools of Xenu so this is ridiculous. Now, call me dumb in the ways of children drinking, but aren't bottles usually used in lieu of a breast? If I'm correct, how many people still breast feed their 4 year olds? Poor Suri.
Steven Segal is a major league pervert. He hired a woman to be his assistant and when she arrived at his house on her first day, she found that he had two Russian female "attendants" who were on-call 24/7 to satisfy all his sexual needs. Then one of the attendants quit and Steven said the new girl would fill her role. The first day on the job the woman alleges that Steven kept trying to get his hand in her dress and when that didn't work he just fondled her on the outside. He then forced her to take illegal pills and then he assaulted her after saying that his wife didn't mind and would sometimes watch. You know, after this whole Ben Roethlisberger debacle, it's hard to know what to believe in cases like this. I would call BS on the accuser because this isn't 1992 and I'm surprised Segal would need an assistant. She may as well have claimed that after the assaults took place, Steven flew a UFO to the moon to be at his private residence...but then I look at Segal and...the dude is freaky.
Here we see Snookie preparing for her life after Jersey Shore goes off the air.
This week a photo spread of the Shrek characters in racy poses was released. OK so this was the one that I thought was the most risque. It figures that they had to sink to this level to promote the movie because this being the forth movie it would seem that the only way to get people to watch is to make it appear sexually charged. I forget what it is called but I think this photo might give us some clues...Shrek 4: Donkey Show.
Tila Tequila appeared at a strip club to promote something or other...I think a new music album which features a song called "I Fucked the DJ". Who would? It's been a while but the last I heard of Tila's antics was when her girlfriend died and Tila claimed to be pregnant and then recently she claims to have had a miscarriage. I guess the strip club is helping her cope with the fake miscarriage from the fake pregnancy. Oh and I know a lot of you hate FOX News. Another reason to hate it was that Tila was a guest on one of their shows. Seriously...she's horrible. Just in case you disagree, downloading Norton Antivirus won't cure syphilis or HIV.
More Tila...yeah, I don't know why I am posting these. Maybe it's because she is like a train that crashed on top of a car accident. The photo on the left...I wonder if she's promoting MTV's new show, Gaza Strip Shore. Those eyebrows could cut diamonds. Stay classy, Tila!
Because you had to put up with Tila, here's some Ryan Phillippe for the ladies.
Hey, Robert Blake, those jeans don't help your claims that you are not a murderer. WHO AM I KIDDING? I need me a pair of denim faux chaps. I would be so cool but not Robert Blake cool because I don't have a parrot and wasn't in Little Rascals. Speaking of Little Rascals, the kid that played Alfalfa in the 90s movie is all grown up and loves posting nude photos online.
Sad news for Paris Hilton, she broke up with her boyfriend Doug Reinhardt and people claim this time it is for keeps. They are saying that because she went out and bought herself a new spray tanning machine. Take that Doug! I'm actually surprised that she wants to have darker skin since she is a racist. First it's a tanning machine and soon it will be Paris' traditional facial from the USC football team. Hmmm I wonder if she would consider online students in USC's masters programs...eww...I can't believe I thought that. Actually, I sort of see a correlation. Last year was the first year in a long time that Paris had a boyfriend and USC's football team had a sub-par season. Anyway...the Pacific states better stock up on Valtrex because with Paris being single, there's soon to be a shortage.
I think Dancing with the Stars is taking its toll on Pam Anderson. How do you describe her fashion sense in that photo? I'd say it's Insane Clown Posse meets Lady Gaga meets a hooker on the street corner in Frogtown(section of St. Paul, MN notorious for prostitution or at least arrests)
An upcoming biography about Oprah claims that for a brief period in time she banged John Tesch. The book claims that one night Tesch decided he couldn't take being in a relationship with her. He says he looked at her black skin curled up next to his white skin and then he got up and left. Way to hit it and quit, John! I don't know if this is true because if Tesch angered Oprah, would she, the fist of God, have smashed his head in?
MMMMMMM....Olivia Munn has a great beaver.
This week Mel Gibson broke up with his girlfriend and baby momma Oksana. She just proved to gold-diggers the world over that they don't need to get married to get that cash. Just pop out that baby and get the check. So what does this teach us: famous guy, guard your sperm or get snipped.
Mario Lopez seems like such a great guy. He encouraged his new girlfriend to start a workout routine because he thought she was too fat. He also thought that she needed larger breasts so she got implants. He thought the workouts weren't working so he made her get liposuction. Once she went through all of that, then he allowed for them to be seen together so they could be photographed. I wonder why women aren't banging down his door to have the opportunity to date him. I wonder if Jessie Spano put up with that crap.
Notice anything missing? This is the recent video game adaptation of Mean Girls, a movie starring Lindsay Lohan. No way is that game going to be better than the greatest video game based on a movie, E.T. for the Atari.
Speaking of Lindsay not be somewhere where she should be...Lindsay was absent from court to give her deposition in the case of car theft where she allegedly stole an SUV to run down her assistant. Instead of giving a deposition, Lindsay was seen shopping at some upscale stores in Beverly Hills. It would have been better if she was spotted at a Dollar Tree trying on Dollar Tree clothing. If they wanted to get her to court they would've needed to leave a trail of cocaine and condoms and tell her that deposition meant analingus in German.
Zombie chasers* get ready, Larry King is back on the market. That means he is getting his 8th divorce from his 7th wife. The numbers don't add up? He married one woman twice. His wife accuses him of cheating on her with one of her family members. That is proof that we are so medically advanced. Larry can pop a pill and take ol' One Eye to Tuna Town. I don't know why women wouldn't want to get with Larry. He's got money, he's got power, and he has some many stories from his life before the horseless carriage was invented. (*zombie chaser=woman who goes after really old men sort of like a chubby chaser goes after fat guys...do I have any readers who are chubby chasers because I could give you my number and we can talk)
I never thought I would write these words in the same story: bikini, ribs, women. Kate Hudson was celebrating getting some breast augmentation by eating some ribs in the Miami sun. She should be careful. I hear Rosie O'Donnell has a residence in Miami and we know Rosie has a hell of a snout on her. She could sniff those ribs from a hundred miles away which is why whenever I fire up the grill I sprinkle cayenne pepper around my grill to prevent Rosie sightings.
This is a still shot from Johnny Depp's new movie "The Tourist". And bondage aficionados rejoiced.
Hey Joaquin Phoenix removed the bird's nest from his beard and then shaved it off. Despite losing the facial hair, he still has that tinkle of crazy in his eyes.
I've been gone for a while so you may have to fill me in. When did Jessica Simpson lose her neck?
Hmmm something about Heidi Montag looks different. Did she dye her hair? Actually this is her surgically enhanced body which she debuted this week. Those are 34F. She was at an A. And she's only 5'2". Honestly, I thought she looked better before all the surgeries and I am a hot blooded male and I just can't feel aroused by those. They are an abomination.
God needed an interior decorator so he called Dixie Carter to heaven at the age of 70. Someone get the smelling salts, Anthony has fainted. Designing Women references for the win!
Conan O'Brien will be starting his new talk show on....TBS? Wow! That is so...unexpected? How are they going to be able to fit his head along and George Lopez's head on the same network? I'm with team LoCo as long as Conan wears that outfit in his new show. In totally unrelated news, Jay Leno has started negotiations to have a talk show on TBS.
Here's some Carrot Top for the ladies. He's showing off his sensitive side by holding the cute fluffy bunny. Why would a person named Carrot Top be holding a rabbit? Simple...rabbits like to eat carrots.
Bar Refaeli posed with the guys from Jersey Shore. That is the epitome of of Hot Chicks with Douche Bags. Oh that is just way too suggestive for me to mock.
Since California is on the verge of plummeting off a cliff, Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger was seen leaving California as fast as he can.
Call me old fashioned but I think the Louisiana Trailer Park Flower looks much better in her natural state but I am thankful that they got rid of her camel toe. I don't know what it is but a real woman that hasn't been airbrushed is so appealing to me.I was going to say "Fear the Deer" but they aren't looking to good against the Hawks. Oh well. I hope everyone enjoys their weekend.
Comments (51)
Oh boy, I have missed this!
-what suri is drinking out of could easily be a sippy cup. pick on her parents all you want but leave the poor kid alone.
- thanks for throwing that picture of ryan phillipe in there.
-heidi montag makes me want to puke. my husband thinks she looks disgusting too. yuck. i shudder thinking about how much that skin has been stretched.
I'm so glad you're back. I was so shocked when I heard about mel and oksana - I was so sure they were soulmates : / And I was very saddened by the passing of Dixie Carter . . . no matter what she did, the lady had class, and I loved the references to Sugarbakers. Glad Joaquin lost the beard, but you're right, you can just tell he's a freakin' loon.
This is the best entertainment I've had all night!
Two things: 1.) Nice mention of my town St. Paul, Minnesota, lol. 2.) Heidi Montag wanted to be 5'2" and a 34F?!? I'm 5'2" and a 34D, and I hate it and would love to go down to a B, or at least a C.
34F? wow.
uh.
Taylor Swift you are like 19. Do not date John Mayer right now. omg.
These are effing entertaining! I just don't understand Montag ... she's was really cute prior to her surgeries. I guess maybe being in Holywood changed everything.
Great stuff, there is just too much stuff here for me to make fun of.
I do not understand all this hype about Taylor Swift. Maybe I am not so musically enhanced to understand her magnificent talent./sigh
If more than one chubby-chaser contacts you, could you refer the others to me?
Poor, poor Britney...or poor us, anyway. Hey! long time no see, or hear, or...i'll stop while I'm ahead.
Johnny Depp and Olivia Munn in one place? You are truly too kind
Taylor Swift must die, by the way. I don't say that often, but for godssake if I hear Love Story one more time I'm going to track her down and... I'm going to stop now before I incriminate myself. Anyways, there's a reason I call her "royalties whore". That song is on the playlist at work, at the gym, and about 75% of the stores I shop in. And it has been there for about a year now.
You know that in China your page was the closest thing to porn that I could find on the net
@Manstration -
Well I am glad that I am bringing it back
@royal_diadem -
Well the paps said it was a bottle and I am thinking that Suri's parents just abandoned her because people are saying that in the past week she hasn't been seen with her parents at all. I am not trying to make fun of her but the kookiness that is Scientology.
I figured I had to make it up after all the photos of Tila.
Oh and I hate to think of what Heidi will look like 10 years from now, maybe that Cat Woman Jocelyn Wildenstein.
@jacksoncroons -
I was sure that Oksana was going to stay by Mel's side until he died and she would be there for moral support when his next movie, The Beaver, flops.
I was somewhat shocked that there wasn't more news of Dixie Carter's death because she was such a class act. I remember watching Designing Women with my parents. I didn't get all the jokes and I never liked Delta Burke's character and I am still wondering about Anthony.
@musicmom60 -
I am glad you enjoyed!
@Melissa___Dawn -
I remember watching some show that reviewed websites when I was living up there. It thought it was hilarious and avoided Frogtown at all costs but then there was this bus stop by First Ave...and then Sex World...ok, not to make you think I am a prostitute aficionado...I just saw a lot of interesting things up there.
I had a friend in high school that was about 5ft tall and had DDs and for her 18th birthday her parents got her reduction. She came back to school and said had no more back pain.
@BranmacFeabhail -
She dates him now it will come back to haunt the rest of her dating career.
@kachino -
I really dislike Heidi Montag as a person and now I don't think she can even classify as a person. She is more plastic than flesh.
@dangerousdan58 -
Thanks...I am glad you enjoy.
@windoftheforest -
I'm with you. I don't really get most pop music these days but then I am turning into a cranky old man that shakes his fist at people who walk on my grass.
@curiousdwk -
I haven't had any bites yet.
@spicyhotcoffee -
Yeah, I finally got my new computer. The old one died around Christmas time so it was a long vacation from Xanga.
@ithiliya -
I am glad that ladies appreciate the guys I post as well as the ladies.
The funny thing about you calling Taylor Swift a royalties whore is because SHE IS! She is included in a group of artists that are suing some sports bar in Idaho for not paying royalties to use their songs in karoke. I'm probably not 100% right on that but this is what TMZ says.
@ElevenStones -
I don't know how I should feel about that and believe it or not, you're not the first person to say that. I had a friend who taught English in China and he said my Xanga was his "porn" because it was so risque.
I didn't realize Taylor Swift was gay or bi or whatever. I heard on one of those lovely news shows that it is very healthy for a child to breast feed until they are 4. however i think if the kid can talk it's time to stop. just something weird about it. I actually had the e.t. game for atari (it was my only game). And i wonder why there were 4 men in that sandwhich picture. they kind of look gay holding the sandwhich.
@godfatherofgreenbay -
for real. not like she couldn't get anyone else though.
Ick... ick... ick... Tila Tequila.
@RestlessButterfly -
Yes...I am starting to feel that way as well
@NightlyDreams -
I don't think Taylor Swift is gay or bi but who knows.
There was a family in my hometown that the mother breastfed her children until they went to school.
Those four guys are from Jersey Shore and you pretty much summed up how I feel about them
@NightlyDreams -
@godfatherofgreenbay -
My mum-in-law is a lactation consultant. She says that it's perfectly healthy, and good for the child, to breast feed your children until they are five or so. In fact, she did that for all her kids. Which is really creepy considering I'm married to one of her kids.
:'( I'm scared to get out from under my covers now after seeing the new Heidi Montag!
ok, i know i don't even have to tell you this time who you lost me at...... right?? =P
but srsly... lots of good stuff here, godfather =)
@Angelina_Everlong -
I fear that people are going to want to be just like her and become fake and plastic.
@Peridot21 -
Steven Segal?
Thank you!
That's Deputy Seagal to you son...
I must be completely out of touch. I have no clue who half of these people are, or why they are important, but I can appreciate a good pic of a 1/2 naked lady, none the less...even if I don't know who she is.
it's a tough row to hoe but I can make it
wow that really is a big difference in britney's appearance. I actually think her legs look better when they aren't retouched; they look more muscular.
@ithiliya -
i still think if i were to do the breast feeding at any point have a kid anyway i would stop by the time they spoke "hey mom need milk" lol
@NightlyDreams - Agreed I love my MiL, and obviously I love my husband, but there's just something about the concept that just doesn't sit right with me *LOL*
@godfatherofgreenbay - noooo, Peewee, not Steven (although i kind of like his voice... ) ...the answer is Ryannnn
@godfatherofgreenbay - Hahaha! I had a friend who lived in the Frogtown area, so I've definitely been in that area, but technically I'm in a small suburb of St. Paul.
I hate that we are losing our Golden Girls, and now our Designing Women. At our next girls' night out, we're going to spill a little champagne on the ground for Dixie, Estelle, and Bea. RIP ladies. We love you!
@bosefius -
Oh yeah I totally forgot he was a deputy...maybe that is why he did all that stuff with his assistants he is Above the Law....I crack myself up
@Aloysius_son -
There ain't nothing wrong with half naked ladies.
@whereisichi -
Yeah she looks great in the untouched photos. I don't understand why they think we must see her as perfect. Clearly her antics over the past few years have proved that.
@Peridot21 -
Not this guy? OK Ryan Phillippe...I probably will have to make up for the profile pic in my next celebrity round up
@Another_Perfect_Wonder -
I am sad that all those ladies are passing but I am amazed how Betty White is still remaining active in the spotlight. I have something about her this week and I also hear she is hosting Saturday Night Live in the upcoming weeks.
@godfatherofgreenbay - lol ewww... i mean yes, you most definitely will, mister... don't you forget now! ;P
Comments are closed.