April 17, 2010

  • Celebrity Round Up 4/16/10

    A day late but not short.  I ended up going out last night and enjoyed some Schlitz but it came back to haunt me, but I guess the haunting was good because it had me running quite a bit.  Anyway on to the round up.


    Taylor Swift is dead to me.  She is reportedly dating John Mayer.  You know he's slept with 90% of the women in Hollywood so if she swaps bodily fluids with him then she is snowballing with Jessica Simpson and Jennifer Aniston.  Taylor, you better stock up on the Valtrex.

    Suri Cruise is 4 years old and she is still using a bottle.  I have studied Scientology in depth and I haven't come across any belief that dentists are evil or tools of Xenu so this is ridiculous.  Now, call me dumb in the ways of children drinking, but aren't bottles usually used in lieu of a breast?  If I'm correct, how many people still breast feed their 4 year olds?  Poor Suri.

    Steven Segal is a major league pervert.  He hired a woman to be his assistant and when she arrived at his house on her first day, she found that he had two Russian female "attendants" who were on-call 24/7 to satisfy all his sexual needs.  Then one of the attendants quit and Steven said the new girl would fill her role.  The first day on the job the woman alleges that Steven kept trying to get his hand in her dress and when that didn't work he just fondled her on the outside.  He then forced her to take illegal pills and then he assaulted her after saying that his wife didn't mind and would sometimes watch.  You know, after this whole Ben Roethlisberger debacle, it's hard to know what to believe in cases like this.  I would call BS on the accuser because this isn't 1992 and I'm surprised Segal would need an assistant.  She may as well have claimed that after the assaults took place, Steven flew a UFO to the moon to be at his private residence...but then I look at Segal and...the dude is freaky.

    Here we see Snookie preparing for her life after Jersey Shore goes off the air.

    This week a photo spread of the Shrek characters in racy poses was released.  OK so this was the one that I thought was the most risque.  It figures that they had to sink to this level to promote the movie because this being the forth movie it would seem that the only way to get people to watch is to make it appear sexually charged.  I forget what it is called but I think this photo might give us some clues...Shrek 4: Donkey Show.

    Tila Tequila appeared at a strip club to promote something or other...I think a new music album which features a song called "I Fucked the DJ".  Who would?  It's been a while but the last I heard of Tila's antics was when her girlfriend died and Tila claimed to be pregnant and then recently she claims to have had a miscarriage.  I guess the strip club is helping her cope with the fake miscarriage from the fake pregnancy.  Oh and I know a lot of you hate FOX News.  Another reason to hate it was that Tila was a guest on one of their shows.  Seriously...she's horrible.  Just in case you disagree, downloading Norton Antivirus won't cure syphilis or HIV.

    More Tila...yeah, I don't know why I am posting these.  Maybe it's because she is like a train that crashed on top of a car accident.  The photo on the left...I wonder if she's promoting MTV's new show, Gaza Strip Shore.  Those eyebrows could cut diamonds.  Stay classy, Tila!

    Because you had to put up with Tila, here's some Ryan Phillippe for the ladies.

    Hey, Robert Blake, those jeans don't help your claims that you are not a murderer.  WHO AM I KIDDING?  I need me a pair of denim faux chaps.  I would be so cool but not Robert Blake cool because I don't have a parrot and wasn't in Little Rascals.  Speaking of Little Rascals, the kid that played Alfalfa in the 90s movie is all grown up and loves posting nude photos online.

    Sad news for Paris Hilton, she broke up with her boyfriend Doug Reinhardt and people claim this time it is for keeps.  They are saying that because she went out and bought herself a new spray tanning machine.  Take that Doug!  I'm actually surprised that she wants to have darker skin since she is a racist.  First it's a tanning machine and soon it will be Paris' traditional facial from the USC football team.  Hmmm I wonder if she would consider online students in USC's masters programs...eww...I can't believe I thought that.  Actually, I sort of see a correlation.  Last year was the first year in a long time that Paris had a boyfriend and USC's football team had a sub-par season.  Anyway...the Pacific states better stock up on Valtrex because with Paris being single, there's soon to be a shortage.

    I think Dancing with the Stars is taking its toll on Pam Anderson.  How do you describe her fashion sense in that photo?  I'd say it's Insane Clown Posse meets Lady Gaga meets a hooker on the street corner in Frogtown(section of St. Paul, MN notorious for prostitution or at least arrests)

    An upcoming biography about Oprah claims that for a brief period in time she banged John Tesch.  The book claims that one night Tesch decided he couldn't take being in a relationship with her.  He says he looked at her black skin curled up next to his white skin and then he got up and left.  Way to hit it and quit, John!  I don't know if this is true because if Tesch angered Oprah, would she, the fist of God, have smashed his head in?

    MMMMMMM....Olivia Munn has a great beaver.

    This week Mel Gibson broke up with his girlfriend and baby momma Oksana.   She just proved to gold-diggers the world over that they don't need to get married to get that cash.  Just pop out that baby and get the check.  So what does this teach us:  famous guy, guard your sperm or get snipped.

    Mario Lopez seems like such a great guy.  He encouraged his new girlfriend to start a workout routine because he thought she was too fat.  He also thought that she needed larger breasts so she got implants.  He thought the workouts weren't working so he made her get liposuction.  Once she went through all of that, then he allowed for them to be seen together so they could be photographed.  I wonder why women aren't banging down his door to have the opportunity to date him.  I wonder if Jessie Spano put up with that crap.

    Notice anything missing?  This is the recent video game adaptation of Mean Girls, a movie starring Lindsay Lohan.  No way is that game going to be better than the greatest video game based on a movie, E.T. for the Atari.

    Speaking of Lindsay not be somewhere where she should be...Lindsay was absent from court to give her deposition in the case of car theft where she allegedly stole an SUV to run down her assistant.  Instead of giving a deposition, Lindsay was seen shopping at some upscale stores in Beverly Hills.  It would have been better if she was spotted at a Dollar Tree trying on Dollar Tree clothing.  If they wanted to get her to court they would've needed to leave a trail of cocaine and condoms and tell her that deposition meant analingus in German.

    Zombie chasers* get ready, Larry King is back on the market.  That means he is getting his 8th divorce from his 7th wife.  The numbers don't add up?  He married one woman twice.  His wife accuses him of cheating on her with one of her family members.  That is proof that we are so medically advanced.  Larry can pop a pill and take ol' One Eye to Tuna Town.  I don't know why women wouldn't want to get with Larry.  He's got money, he's got power, and he has some many stories from his life before the horseless carriage was invented.  (*zombie chaser=woman who goes after really old men sort of like a chubby chaser goes after fat guys...do I have any readers who are chubby chasers because I could give you my number and we can talk)

    I never thought I would write these words in the same story: bikini, ribs, women.  Kate Hudson was celebrating getting some breast augmentation by eating some ribs in the Miami sun.  She should be careful.  I hear Rosie O'Donnell has a residence in Miami and we know Rosie has a hell of a snout on her.  She could sniff those ribs from a hundred miles away which is why whenever I fire up the grill I sprinkle cayenne pepper around my grill to prevent Rosie sightings.

    This is a still shot from Johnny Depp's new movie "The Tourist".  And bondage aficionados rejoiced.

    Hey Joaquin Phoenix removed the bird's nest from his beard and then shaved it off.  Despite losing the facial hair, he still has that tinkle of crazy in his eyes.

    I've been gone for a while so you may have to fill me in.  When did Jessica Simpson lose her neck?

    Hmmm something about Heidi Montag looks different.  Did she dye her hair?  Actually this is her surgically enhanced body which she debuted this week.  Those are 34F.  She was at an A.  And she's only 5'2".  Honestly, I thought she looked better before all the surgeries and I am a hot blooded male and I just can't feel aroused by those.  They are an abomination.

    God needed an interior decorator so he called Dixie Carter to heaven at the age of 70.  Someone get the smelling salts, Anthony has fainted.  Designing Women references for the win!

    Conan O'Brien will be starting his new talk show on....TBS?  Wow!  That is so...unexpected?  How are they going to be able to fit his head along and George Lopez's head on the same network?  I'm with team LoCo as long as Conan wears that outfit in his new show.  In totally unrelated news, Jay Leno has started negotiations to have a talk show on TBS.

    Here's some Carrot Top for the ladies.  He's showing off his sensitive side by holding the cute fluffy bunny.  Why would a person named Carrot Top be holding a rabbit?  Simple...rabbits like to eat carrots.

    Bar Refaeli posed with the guys from Jersey Shore.  That is the epitome of of Hot Chicks with Douche Bags.  Oh that is just way too suggestive for me to mock.

    Since California is on the verge of plummeting off a cliff, Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger was seen leaving California as fast as he can.

    Call me old fashioned but I think the Louisiana Trailer Park Flower looks much better in her natural state but I am thankful that they got rid of her camel toe.  I don't know what it is but a real woman that hasn't been airbrushed is so appealing to me.

    I was going to say "Fear the Deer" but they aren't looking to good against the Hawks.  Oh well.  I hope everyone enjoys their weekend.

Comments (51)

Comments are closed.

Post a Comment