May 29, 2010

• Celebrity Round-Up 5/28/10

  I have come to the conclusion that when I get sunburn I get a head cold.  This evening I decided to go to the bar after being out in the sun all day.  I felt so hot but the Schlitz was ice cold and then the congestion hit me.  I feel horrible and the heat is just radiating from my arms.  I did score a couple t-shirts for my goddaughter so all is well.  But what is not well...some of these photos.  Images may not be safe for work or for life...NSFW...NSFL
  
  Venus Williams debuted a new tennis outfit at the French Open this week and sweet lord I'm so happy I need a book.  I bet those ass cheeks could crush tennis balls.
  
  Tila Tequila is signed to be on the next edition of Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew.  There are varying reports about her addiction.  One says it is Ecstasy and another says it is Ambien.  She should get help with her Twitter addiction and her addiction to being an attention whore.  Right now the producers of Celebrity Rehab are having trouble find other patients.  That is a good thing.  Someone could tell her that filming is at the volcanoes in Iceland and the camera crew will be waiting for her inside the bottom of the volcano.
  
  Stevie Nicks turned 62 this week.  After all the weird shit she did in her heyday, I'm convinced she has conjured up some magic potion that has enabled her to live forever.
  
  Why is this photo so exciting for me?  It's just Snooki eating a pickle.  So is that her gimmick?  Pickle eating?  Either way I bet the Vlask stork is fapping to this picture right about now.
  
  I couldn't figure out if Sarah Jessica Parker was at the Sex in the City 2 premier or if she was getting ready to run the Belmont Stakes.  Why is it that every time I see SJP, I hear this song?  Maybe it's because I spend too much time at this site.
  
  This week Rihanna said that she fears childbirth and is more interested in adopting children instead of having them the natural way.  I guess if I was a woman and I had the prominent forehead that Rihanna has I'd be afraid of childbirth as well.  You know that when she was born the doctor and a nurse played tic-tac-toe on her forehead until her eyes were visible.
  
  Paris Hilton is at fleet week.  Like a moth to the flame, Paris will be hosting events and much to the surprise of no one, servicing the entire U.S. Navy.
  
  Whenever we have a battle featuring wind versus a dress the clear winner is...ME!  Here we see Mischa Barton battling wind.  What is the strangest thing about this photo?  If you said that Mischa is carrying a purse, you would be correct.  She doesn't have money.
  
  People are very worried about Miley Cyrus.  She seems to be rebelling against her wholesome Disney image.  Just a couple of weeks ago the video of her lap-dancing on a guy in a club was released.  Then this week we hear that she spent $3000 on lingerie.  Why would she need lingerie?  Remember she moved out of her house into her own and her boyfriend has moved in with her.  What could possibly go wrong?  Miley is such a stupid hillbilly.  She doesn't need lingerie to turn on men.  All she needs is a driver's license that says she's 18.
  
  Seriously...I'm going to hell.  Sorry, Jesus.  Wait...a loophole!  These photos were taken in Mexico where the legal age of consent is 16 and Miley is 17...I'm just saying.
  
  The claws are out!  M.I.A. says that she hates Lady Gaga because Gaga is neither original nor unique.  Well, I could have told you that.  I think Lady Gaga is basically ripping off my girl Peaches.  M.I.A. said that she is also very upset because most babies' first sounds are "ga-ga" and of course that makes Lady Gaga think she is better than she actually is.  I know how they can settle this...two words...SAUERKRAUT WRESTLING!  Believe me, it's hot.
  
  Mariah Carey was supposed to star in an upcoming Tyler Perry movie based on a play titled "For Colored Girls Who Have Considered Suicide when the Rainbow is Enuf".  She is possibly dropping out the movie and people are speculating that this is because she is pregnant.  Tyler Perry is ecstatic because it gives him another chance to dress up as a woman.  I also hear he is going to fire all the other women in the movie because he wants to play all the roles and do a lot of cross-dressing.
  
  Sadly this photo of MacGruber is funnier than the movie.
  
  Lindsay Lohan is crying for good reason.  She's in hell.  She can't drink.  She has to wear a SCRAM device that constantly monitors her blood-alcohol level.  She has to submit to random drug tests.  Lindsay also can't leave L.A. and must attend alcohol education classes.  I am starting to feel good about my dead pool.
  
  Lindsay is obviously committed to recovery since the day after her court appearance she was seen with newly dyed hair and out at a bar in L.A.  Could we just frame her for a crime so that she would go away forever?  Maybe we could give her the O.J. Simpson treatment.  Too bad the Zodiac killings took place before she was born.
  
  These are the posters for Lindsay's upcoming movie about Linda Lovelace.  Make sure you memorize what these posters look like because the bargain bin at Walmart is pretty full.
  
  Only Karl Lagerfeld can save Lindsay now.  Maybe to help her and her love of fashion, he can do a fashion show in her back yard ala "Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead".  I can't believe I actually went to the theaters to see that movie.
  
  Kristen Stewart recently said that having the paparazzi following her and taking her photos is like being raped.  Now, I'm not a fancy big city lawyer but I think there is a slight difference between being raped and having your photo taken and by this I mean SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU VAMPIRE LOVING POTHEAD!  Hell, you should be thankful that the paparazzi want to take your picture because somewhere along the line you must have sold your soul to the devil because you'd be lucky to get your photo taken at the K-Mart Photo Studio.
  
  People close to Kirstie Alley said that she recently went clothes shopping at Target and was extremely excited to find dresses that fit.  The exciting part was that the dress size was a medium.  Kirstie supposedly bought 10 of the dresses.  I guess I understand the excitement especially if she fit into a medium.  What Kirstie didn't know is that the line, Liz Lange, is a line of maternity dresses.  I wish guys had something similar but not in a dress but a jock strap.  Like a 10XL would actually be something like an actual small.
  
  Oh Kendra...I really don't feel sorry for her especially not after I heard that she made $700,000 for her sextape.  Oh and they are planning on releasing sequels because there are 20 different tapes.  Her husband, Hank is devastated because he thought there were only 18 and NOT 20!  If you want to see some still shots, go here, and if want to see a short clip that gives me hope, go here, and here is the official site.  There's just something about that tape that makes Hustler look classy.
  
  After all the publicity stunts and plastic surgeries, Heidi Montag revealed something that I have known for a long time...she has no friends...duh!
  
  Despite having no friends, Heidi may have one brain cell that is still functioning.  She has supposedly broken up with Spencer and moved out of their house.  She said that he is holding back her acting career.  I don't buy it and think this is just a lame attempt to get on the cover of People magazine instead of Gary Coleman.  OK, I am getting this feeling that you are trying to care but don't...next!
  
  This is Hayley Williams, the lead sing of the band Paramore.  I don't really listen to their stuff but after seeing this photo, I think they are definitely worth checking out.
  
  Gary Coleman fell and hit his head at his home in Utah.  He was in a coma and on life-support.  His wife had the plug pulled this afternoon.  Gary has died at the age of 42.  No one knows what made Gary fall.  Doctors think it may have been some kind of different stroke.  What'chu talkin' bout, Willis...indeed.  I wish I could cry into Mrs. Garrett's shoulder right about now.
  
  Evan Lysachek recently said that he is ready to start dating and he really needs to find a girlfriend.  No, that isn't a helicopter, it's Johnny Weir fapping to this picture.  And Johnny is getting all sparkled up hoping Evan will give him a call.
  
  I promised I would never talk about Tiger Woods on my site but I couldn't resist posting this photo of his soon to be ex-wife, Elin Nordegren.  The early reports of what she wants in a settlement are $750million, full custody of the children, and no confidentiality clause.  I really have no sympathy for Tiger.  I would die to be married to that woman...hell, I'd love to be in the same room with her.  He fucked up and now she wants 125% of his wealth.  Yes, that's right.  After sponsors dropped him for his shenanigans, Tiger's wealth is estimated at $600million.  Also Tiger wanted her to sign a lifetime confidentiality agreement.  If she wrote a book about their marriage and her ordeal that would probably one of the best selling books.  She can go live on a private island bought with Tiger's money and enjoy being with Tiger's children without the hassle of having Tiger around them.  But Elin better watch out.  I'm not saying she'll end up at the bottom of a lake but these are things which give us Lifetime movies.
  
  Here we see Coco teaching the future of America the ins and outs of motorboating.  Coco posted this on her Twitter and said that her niece absolutely loves her breasts.  I feel bad for that little girl's future classmates.  When she gets into grade school she's going to hog all the basketballs.
  
  This is an interesting turn of events.  Simon Cowell is leaving American Idol and was so impressed with Bret Michaels that Simon has said that Bret should be the judge that replaces him.  I guess Michaels meets the perfect criteria to be a judge.  He was in a band that still is popular yet hasn't produced original material and relies heavily on material from 20 years ago.  Bret also has some brain damage from a stroke.  So I guess that makes him a perfect candidate to judge pop music.  Yes, I hate pop music but not as much as I hate pop country.
  
  For not being able to sing, he has entertained me with his music for many years.  Bob turned 69 this week.  I think to celebrate his birthday I'm going to drive highway 61 until I can find my girl from the north country.
  
  Ashton Kutcher...I hate that guy and he has given me another reason to hate him.  He is working on a movie that the studio wants to call "Friends with Benefits" but Ashton hates the title and wants to call it by the original title, "Fuck Buddies".  I just wish he would go away.  Can we make up a rumor about him?  OK let's see...oh, he's flipping off the cameraman and the cameraman is black therefore Ashton Kutcher is a racist.  SPREAD IT!
  
  Art Linkletter passed away at the age of 97 this week.  He was the original host of Kids Say the Darnedest Things.  I'd love to see how that show would be today.  I bet kids would tell the host to fuck off.  Art will be greatly missed especially by his wife of 75 years, Lois.  75 years!?!?!?!  I couldn't imagine living that long let alone being married to someone that long.
  
  Believe it or not, this is 50 Cent.  He dropped 60lbs for a role in a movie titled "Things Fall Apart".  The role is that of a high school football star who is diagnosed with cancer.  He went to a liquid only diet and spent most of his day walking on a treadmill.  At first when I saw him and heard he lost this weight, I thought the movie was going to be about Dave Chappelle.  Oh and the first single off the soundtrack goes a little something like, "I'm not into havin' chemo, I ain't in to makin' love".

  Video Section:
  Enjoy a video of Lindsay Lohan in court.
  
  I hope everyone has a great weekend.

  • 1:11 AM
  • 38 Comments