April 22, 2010

• A Shocking Experience

  Yesterday was one of those days where you just don’t want to leave the comfort of your own bed.   I had such strange experiences that I have never thought could happen in the span of one 24 hour period.

  First off, I was driving on Friday and my service engine light came on and was on for about 5 minutes.  Then on Wednesday morning it came on again.  I figured I should get it checked out before I do any major damage to my car.  See I have horrible luck with cars but most of my bad luck can be attributed to deer.  I had just bought my second car and a week later I hit a deer and do a thousand dollars of damage.  I hadn’t even started payments.  OK so I take the car to the co-op(look out, socialism) and have them run the diagnostic on it.  I left and got the phone call that everything was fine.  I could sense the guy on the other end of the line was holding back his laughter.  He said that the reason the light came on is because my gas cap came loose.  Yes, so all my fear was because I didn’t properly fasten my gas cap after filling up.  I felt like such a dolt but my moronic paranoia and the mechanic’s sympathy got me a free oil change.

  Then my dad calls me and says he has something for me to do.  He presents me a file cabinet filled with all sorts of papers.  He says, “Shred all of it.” 
  “Gee whiz, dad, how am I supposed to shred the cabinet?”
  “Don’t be a smartass.”
  I spent most of my afternoon shredding documents.  Oh what joy!  The bad part was that I was shredding so much that my shredder overheated and I would have to let it set for 15-20 minutes.  At about 11PM I decided my shredding would be put off for another day.  I had put the shredder in my den and hooked it up to an extension cord that ran behind my entertainment center.  I really had that plug in there because I couldn’t get it out.  I was prying and prying and then a little bit of the prongs were showing…progress!  Well on my next tug I hit the prong with my finger, it knocked me backwards to my ass and sent sparks flying.  The sparks land on me and after inspection I see that it melted a spot on my shirt and then everything goes black.  I didn’t pass out but everything in my house went black.  Me being electrocuted caused a fuse to blow.  I lost power in half of my downstairs. I walked around trying to figure out if I was still alive.  Once I figured that I was breathing, I looked in the mirror in my kitchen and saw all my hair standing on end.  After the shock of the situation wore off I went and changed the fuse.  Of course I couldn’t go to bed because I assumed I cheated death.  I did the pulse on Xanga and then watched some DVDs of Saturday Night Live. 

  I must have dozed off on my couch because the next thing I know it’s 6AM and I hear one of my cats scratching my couch.  I looked around and couldn’t see her.  It’s no wonder I couldn’t find her; she dug a hole into one of the arms of the couch and was crawling around inside.  Once I got her out and the couch fixed I reckoned it would be a good day to take a day off.  After eating my bagels for breakfast, I put on some Bob Seger and did my best Risky Business imitation and then I went for a drive and now I am back on Xanga. 

  That was the third time in my life that I have been electrocuted.  The first I caught a falling lamp that had no lightbulb in it.  Of course when I caught it, my finger went in the bulb socket and it knocked me to the floor and me drool.  The second time was in high school when I was living on a horse farm.  It was in the early winter and I was left on the farm to do all the chores.  I was throwing hay bales for the horses and I was standing on water and ice.  Well ice is not for footing while throwing 100lb hay bales and I slipped and landed on the electric fence.  I landed on my chest and felt the jolt go out my feet.  I got inside the house and looked at my chest and saw a nice red welt across it.  The side effects of this shock have been interesting.  Besides the melted shirt, I lost all the hair on my hands and my fingers and toes have burns on them.  I think electrocution is something that is hereditary because one of my cousins got electrocuted.  OR maybe stupidity is hereditary since his shock came from pissing on an electric fence.  That was fun to witness though.  It sent him flying back five feet and he lost bladder control.

  I am beginning to think there is validity to all the studies that say men who are married live longer then men who are single.  If I were married I would have made my wife unplug the shredder.

  Do a brother a solid and check out my All-Star Baseball Team.

  • 2:09 PM
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