April 28, 2010

• Racehorse Names

  The Kentucky Derby is this Saturday and I am somewhat anxious.  I will need to unload after all this training by possibly going to the casino's OTB, downing some mint juleps, and watching horses run.  I lived on a horse farm for two years during high school and thought there was nothing special about those creatures.  They just chewed grass and straw all day long but over the years I've come to appreciate horse racing.  There is just something special about watching the ponies run.  Hell, I can enjoy myself watching horse races without the mint juleps or gambling and for a while I had to at Canterbury.

  One thing that has always amazed me about horse racing are the names of the horses.  The owners like to get very creative with the names.  There is quite a lengthy list of rules that The Jockey's Club has established.  For instance horse names cannot be more than 18 characters long and they can't be named after living people unless permission is granted.  Another rule is that the names can't be vulgar or obscene.  I guess some owners didn't get that memo.  Here is a list of some of my favorite horse names:

  Bodacious Ta Ta's  (that philly had a peculiar strut)
  Date More Minors (Can horses be pedophiles?)
  OHBEEGEEWHYEN (Must have had a practice when she wasn't racing)
  Wrecked Em (Has a proctology practice in the same building as OHBEEGEEWHYEN)
  Anita Cocktail (not to be confused with Anita Dick)
  Hardawn (I don't think that is possible when watching races)
  Golden Showers (From the 1940s so I am sure they didn't have such deviant acts back then)
  Girls On Top (the best way to ride)
  Ménage Á Trois (The horse, the jockey, and the whip...kinky)
  Rhythm Method (Sadly this horse didn't always perform the way it was intended to)
  Black Servant (A horse from the simpler yet incredibly racist times of the 20s.)
  The Cock (He placed 6th at the 1916 Derby probably because he had that something extra weighing him down)
  The Winner (Too bad he finished in last place)
  Our Dad (Apparently beastiality is alive and well in the horse racing community)
  Spineless Jellyfish (didn't make it out of the gates because it was scared)
  No Stinking Badges (We don't need No Stinking Badges to show)
  Acid Reflux (I hear they get her to run extra fast after they feed her Mexican food)
  Sexy Librarian (Who hasn't had that fantasy...WITH A HUMAN...WITH A HUMAN!)
  No Fat Chicks (But of course, it would slow her down)
  Sheikh'nnotstirred (Who knew James Bond was into horse racing)
  Sotally Tober (Why occiffer of course there's blood in my alcohol stream)
  Cunning Stunt (Whoever chose this name was a cunning linguist like myself...I hope you get that one, ladies )
  Senior Discount (The sad thing about this horse is that it never finished a race because it always had to be at Denny's before 5PM to get the early bird special)
  Hoof Hearted (I'll let the video explain it and if you don't get it, say the name really fast)
  Cum Rocket (No comment is necessary)

  
  Lookin' at Lucky is the favorite this year.  I know where money will be going.

  • 11:50 PM
  • 25 Comments