May 1, 2010

• What?

  I am debating whether or not to close down my Xanga as it has become rather boring and traffic dwindling.  Lately it seems that my absence has caused me to miss out on some many happenings here.  I read people's comments and I am all "What the fuck is that about?"  I wanted to write an entry regardless.

  I was thinking of writing about this married couple from Boston that decided to move out west to Arizona and settle down somewhere in the desert. As they were traveling across country to their new home they realized that the spark was no longer there and they decided to become swingers. I'm sure most of us have come to that point in a relationship. I know plenty of people here that are at that point.  Hell, I can name one guy in my house that is at that point. But the guy in the story was freaked out by seeing his wife in the arms of another man although most swingers are totally into seeing their significant other in the throes of passion with another. Well our couple, the poor wife was diagnosed with terminal cancer the day after the botched attempt at swinging. Divine retribution? Well that isn't what I wanted to write about.

  Did you know that up until a few years ago it was common practice amongst Jews in Europe that when they had their sons circumcised the mohel would come in and snip the baby boy. He would then fill his mouth with some nice sacred Jewish wine, possibly Manishevitz. He then takes his mouth full of wine and inserts the baby boy's penis in his mouth to sterilize the circumcision. You know what I find ironic? Jewish girls wearing keffiyehs. But I digress.

  The number 172 appears at the bottom of the Lincoln Memorial on the five dollar bill.  What is the significance of this number?  I'll be damned if I know but on June 11th of the year 172 A.D. the Roman army had surrounded their enemies in Moravia but the heat was so intense that soldiers were being burned by their armor.  Their defense was killing them but then a thunderstorm came through and poured on the Romans and they were no longer frying or parched.  This is not why the number 172 is on the bottom of the Lincoln Memorial in the five dollar bill.  I am convinced the number 172 refers to the 172 hits Babe Ruth hit in his first season with the New York Yankees.  Because I hate the Yankees the number 172 actually refers to the number of episodes in the greatest television comedy of all time, Three's Company.  And yet this is not what my blog is all about.

  What I wanted to talk about are my plans for death. I want to be cremated. Yes, I want to actually go dust to dust at a much faster and hotter pace. My joking nature comes into play. Surgical screws don't melt at the temperature used for cremation so it may give my children Seldom Seen and Bonita quite a shock. What also may shock them is that before I die I plan on eating a handful of screws and quarters, a bike chain, and one of those metallic spring door stop thingies. Seldom Seen will ask Bonita, "Do you think Dad was really a robot?" Then they will scatter my ashes at a robotics plant.  Do you even understand why the metallic spring door stop thingie is humorous?  I do.

  Now as you read this you need to imagine that I have SportsCenter playing on my television.

  My semi-non-fictional autobiography will be coming soon to a Dollar Store near you.

  I wrote an entry. Did you notice? Did you care?

  

  metallic spring door stop thingy

  • 2:02 AM
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